


The Re-Education of Jules Callaghan

by CTI_Jenn



Category: Flashpoint
Genre: F/M, Sequel to Growing up to Fast
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-03
Updated: 2013-06-04
Packaged: 2017-12-04 03:40:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 54,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/706108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CTI_Jenn/pseuds/CTI_Jenn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The sequel to Growing Up Too Fast. Jules is determined to finally put everything that happened to her at the hands of her uncle behind her. She's trusting that Sam is the one who can make that happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Johnny Dawson’s arm tightened around her chest and the muzzle of a gun pressed against her temple. She wanted to struggle against his grip, but two things stopped her. One was the muzzle of the gun pressed against her temple ready to fire at a moment’s notice. The other was the certainty that he would perversely mistake her attempts to get free as some sort of intimate sexual act on her part._

_Two dead bodies already littered the room. Natalie’s friend Rhonda stared at her with lifeless eyes. Jules couldn’t help but feel like the woman was staring accusingly at her in death. Why hadn’t she done more to protect Rhonda once realizing who she was involved with? The other was a relative stranger, a man Jules had met for the first time only earlier that day but who had apparently been intertwined with her life unknowingly for weeks. Chris Miathis had tried to be a hero and had died in the attempt, gunned down by Johnny Dawson only moments earlier. In fact the muzzle pressed to her forehead was still warm from being fired._

_There was a third body crumpled on the floor near her feet. Sam was still alive, but she wasn’t sure how long he would remain that way if he didn’t get help soon. The gray leg of his pants was saturated with blood from multiple stab wounds, the knife still embedded in his leg. His face was almost as gray as his uniform pants and his breathing was shallow._

_“So much blood on your hands, Little JAC. So much death you are responsible for. If you had just let me love you the way I wanted to, none of this would have happened. If you would just love me the way I love you, we could be so happy.”_

_Jules shook her head. “Go to hell. My team is right outside that door; they’ll kill you before they let you hurt me again.”_

_Johnny only laughed. “Not if I kill them first.”_

_He moved the muzzle of the gun and fired it in rapid succession. The door to the apartment seemed to disappear as one by one her teammates starting with Sarge fell in a pool of blood. Even Raf, who was supposed to be on medical leave, was there and collapsed under the onslaught of bullets._

_Tears streamed down Jules’s face. It wasn’t right. Her friends couldn’t die because of her. Johnny chuckled and once more pressed the muzzle to her cheek. It burned her skin. “I don’t think they can help you now. I’ll make you a deal though. I’ll let Golden Boy live if you agree to come with me right now. How much is his life worth to you?”_

_Her stomach churned. She couldn’t lose Sam; not even if it meant she lost her own life. It didn’t matter to her that she’d promised Sam she wouldn’t let Johnny hurt her. Sam would have to understand that sometimes promises had to be broken._

_“Jules, no!” Sam’s weak voice pleaded with her but she couldn’t listen. She couldn’t let anything happen to Sam. Even if going with Johnny meant she never got to see Sam again or never got to feel his comforting arms around her any more, it would be okay so long as Sam was alive._

_“Okay.” She didn’t -- couldn’t -- face Sam. Couldn’t stand to see the look of disappointment she was sure was on his face. Did he think she wanted to go with Johnny? Didn’t he realize that she would do anything to protect him? Even sell her soul to the devil._

_Johnny began to pull her alongside him toward the door. He dragged her bound body over her fallen teammates and friends. More deaths she was responsible for. Would Sam ever be able to forgive her for not doing more? Would she ever forgive herself?_

_Sam struggled to his knees as if determined to reach her in order to stop what was happening. Johnny glared at him and pointed the gun at him. “I don’t think so.”_

_The shot and Jules’s scream rang out simultaneously. The bullet lodged between Sam’s eyes killing him instantly. Her struggles were ineffective as Johnny picked her up and threw her over his shoulder. He was whistling as he walked away._

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
Jules sat straight up in bed, drenched in sweat and breathing hard. When familiar arms didn’t wrap around her in the pre-dawn darkness of the bedroom or Sam’s sleepy voice didn’t question whether she was okay, Jules was surprised but glad. The scream that had torn from her throat with such force that it was slightly sore must have been only in her dream and not repeated in reality. As much as she could use Sam’s comforting embrace, she was relieved that she hadn’t woken him up. She knew the nightly nightmares were worrying him and she hated that.

She’d lost count of the number of times she’d had a version of the same nightmare. Sometimes it was a straight memory of the day in Rhonda’s apartment when Johnny had made his last stand. Those were bad enough, but usually, like this one, the nightmares morphed into some into some horrible alternate reality of that day. It happened way more than Sam was even aware of, although all too often it had taken his calming presence whether he was awake or sleep to ground her afterward.

As her breathing started to even out, she twisted in the bed, so she could snuggle into Sam’s sleeping arms until her heart rate could do the same. Even as she reached for him, she found only an empty space where his body should be. 

She glanced at the bathroom but the door was open and the light was off. He wasn’t there. She whimpered slightly, hating herself for the sound. A touch of his side of the bed told her that it had started to cool. He’d been absent from his side for a little while. She reached for his pillow and hugged it to her chest. Burying her face into the fluffy material, she breathed in his scent. She hated these nightmares more for the state they left her in more than anything else. She was the badass SRU sniper and negotiator but the dreams left her feeling, at least for a few minutes, helpless and small. 

The dream image of Johnny shooting Sam flashed through her mind again and she shuddered. It was always harder for her to bounce back when the nightmare ended with Sam’s death. Not even the nightmares that ended in her own death affected her as much. It took her awhile to remind herself that as bad as that day had been, both she and especially Sam had survived. 

Where was Sam now though? In the time they’d been together, Jules had always been the earlier riser. The few times Sam had managed to wake up before her, she’d pretty much followed immediately after. She was typically a light sleeper and was usually aware the moment he stirred. In the rare event he didn’t wake her that way, his gentle but insistent kisses soon did the job. 

She glanced at the clock on the nightstand. The alarm wasn’t set to go off for another thirty minutes. It was a big day; Sam had been on medical leave for a month solid following the attack in Rhonda’s apartment. A month that he’d been sidelined due to stab wounds to the thigh. She knew the month had seemed like a lifetime to him; he was too active to be happy being inactive for long. To Jules, however, it seemed more like yesterday that she’d been terrified he wasn’t going to survive the loss of blood and the time it took to get him medical help. 

Yesterday he’d finally been cleared to return to work. Sam had been afraid the doctor was going to put him off for at least another week, so the clearance had thrilled him. The whole ride home from the doctor’s office, Sam had talked nonstop about returning to work. He’d promised that he wouldn’t complain about anything that might happen. Training, he’d insisted, wouldn’t bother him, no matter how demanding or tedious. He wouldn’t be bothered by multiple back to back call outs or the lack thereof. Patrolling all day in the SUV listening to Spike talk about a new gadget for Babycakes? Bring it on. 

Jules had found it hard not to be amused by his exuberance. When they had gone to bed the night before, he’d still been practically bouncing off the walls in anticipation. She couldn’t blame him, she’d been about the same way when she’d been cleared to return to work after being shot. He’d been like a kid at Christmas. Perhaps, like said kid, he’d been too excited to really sleep and had decided to go downstairs to watch TV so he wouldn’t disturb her and had fallen asleep on the couch. 

Not wanting to stay in bed alone, Jules threw back the covers and stood. She reached for her short terry cloth robe and slipped it on over the oversized t-shirt she’d worn to bed. Instead of heading to the bathroom to shower and dress, she made her way downstairs to check on Sam. She expected to see a glow from the television but the living room was dark. She flipped on a light at the base of the stairs and bathed the room in soft light. 

She frowned. The couch was bare except for the kitten curled up in his new favorite spot on the middle cushion. He lifted his head at her arrival and let out a playful meow. Jules grinned in spite of herself and as she passed the couch, picked him up and scratched behind his ears. She’d been so reluctant to have another pet after the violent death of the kitten she had as a teenager. But when Wordy’s daughter Lily offered her one of their cat’s litter, she hadn’t been able to say no, not without telling the horrible story she didn’t want anyone to know. It hadn’t taken long for the kitten to worm its way into her heart. Even Sam had gotten emotionally attached to the feline. 

“You realize you are losing your couch buddy today, right, Patches?” She asked the kitten after nuzzling its fur for a moment. She knew it wasn’t coincidence that Patches had changed favorite locations from the third step to the couch. Several afternoons after shift, she’d come home to find Sam stretched out on the couch with Patches either curled up on Sam’s chest or on the couch beside him. “But that’s okay ‘cause that means I get him back at work where he belongs. That is if I can find him. You got any ideas where he is?”

The kitten meowed again and Jules set him back down on the couch. She went into the kitchen but Sam wasn’t there either. At least here though, Jules could find evidence that he’d been there. His coffee mug was in the drain board, still wet from having been washed. The coffee maker was on with just enough in the carafe to fill her mug that Sam had left sitting on the counter next to the pot. 

There was a notepad propped to the side of the appliance. She picked it up to read it. _Went in early to hopefully get checked off before shift starts. Didn’t want to wake you. See you at work. Love you._

Even though she knew it was silly, Jules felt hurt that he’d left without her or without at least waking her. One of the perks of their relationship being in the open and approved of was that they could go to and from work together. It had become almost a thing with them; being Jules and Sam the couple until they arrived at headquarters where they became Constables Callaghan and Braddock the teammates. It was a ritual she’d missed while he was off, and, truth be known, one she was just as excited about resuming as he was about going back to work. 

Blaming the remnants of the nightmare for her current feelings, Jules set the pad back on the counter and left the kitchen. Returning to her bedroom, she gathered her clothes and carried them into the bathroom. What did it matter how they got to work so long as they got there? They didn’t have to arrive together arm in arm to prove anything and she was certainly capable of handling a nightmare without Sam to kiss it better. As she stepped under the spray of the shower, however, she had to admit that she sure wanted him to.

After she’d showered and dressed, Jules returned downstairs. She made sure Patches had plenty of food and water in his bowls and then turned off the coffee maker. She’d show Sam how glad she was to have him back at work by stopping at Timmy’s to pick up coffee and breakfast for him and for herself. She didn’t see any evidence that he’d eaten anything with his coffee. She knew he would appreciate a bacon egg sandwich and a latte to wash it down. She wasn’t going to let a stupid nightmare ruin the day for either of them.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
“Thanks for agreeing to handle my check offs.” Sam said as he and Donna Sabine Gerarld left the target range to head back to the main building. He’d wanted to get cleared yesterday as soon as the doctor had signed off on his return. However Team One had been off shift and he knew it wasn’t fair to ask either Sarge or Ed to come in on their day off simply because he was in too much of a hurry to wait.

When he’d woken up way too early and had been unable to go back to sleep, he’d decided to take a chance on getting Donna to clear him since Team Three was working the graveyard. She’d been more than happy to do so, and as a result, he wouldn’t have to waste valuable shift time. 

Donna nodded. “Glad to do it. It’s been way too long since Team One had a full roster.” 

Donna hid a grin as they reached the back door to the building and Sam automatically opened the door and held it open for her to enter first. It was such a gentlemanly thing to do but she wondered if Jules let him get away with such a chivalrous act. “Do you still have rehab on the leg or are you finished with that as well?” 

“Officially finished but I know I’m not back up to my usual speed. Now that I’m back to work, it should improve. Nothing like a pre-shift workout to kick the body back into shape.” He didn’t add that he still occasionally felt twinges of pain, especially when climbing stairs. It wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle and he didn’t want to run the risk of being sidelined over nothing. 

Donna glanced around to make sure they were alone. “Sam, I don’t have a right to ask and I’m not asking as a team leader but as a friend. How’s Jules doing? I mean really doing?”

Sam frowned. It was on the tip of his tongue to give an automatic “she’s fine” answer. Something in the way Donna had asked and was looking at him made him bite off the quick response. “Why?” 

Donna sighed. “The first couple of weeks you were off, I filled in for several shifts since Raf was still off as well. During work Jules was fine; maybe a little more reserved than usual but essentially her normal self. In the locker room, however, it was a different story. I guess she’s used to having the space to herself and being able to let her guard down.”

Sam’s worry must have been evident because Donna quickly continued. “It wasn’t much, not even enough that I said anything to Greg or Ed. It’s just that I could tell things were bothering her more than she was trying to let on. God knows I couldn’t blame her. You were hurt; she was nearly shot and killed; the man holding her at gunpoint was killed as he stood next to her; any of those things individually would be bad enough but all three on top of everything else? I don’t think I could handle it as well as she is.”

Sam didn’t want to admit how concerned he was, not to himself, not to a member of Team One, and certainly not to someone from another team. The nightmares plaguing Jules’s sleep seem to be getting worse not better. He’d given up asking her about them because he was afraid she’d shut him out completely if he kept making a big deal out of them. So he’d watched her quietly and worried without a word. It was one of the reasons why he hadn’t woken her this morning. She’d been sleeping so peacefully and for once seemed undisturbed by the nightmares that had been haunting her that he hadn’t wanted to disturb her. “Like you said, all that happened would affect anyone. That was right after it happened. It’s been a couple more weeks since you pulled those shifts.”

Donna nodded, leaning against the wall next to the elevator. “But has it gotten better? Sam, a woman can spot make-up tricks. I saw Jules last shift and she had a ton of concealer on. If I didn’t know you like I do, I would have thought she was hiding a black eye but I’m betting it’s dark circles she’s trying to cover.”

Sam shook his head and tried to keep any doubt from showing in his blue eyes. “She was sleeping like a baby when I left this morning.”

Donna frowned. “Babies don’t sleep that well, Sam, and I’m betting Jules isn’t either. Like I said; I’m asking as a friend not a TL. Jules is probably as tough as they come but she’s not indestructible. She went through more in just a few weeks than most people go through in their whole lifetime. It’s understandable that it’s upsetting her. I know she’s done the mandatory sessions with Luria but if she needs to talk, I’m willing to listen. One stubborn female making it in a predominately male world to another.”

Sam shrugged. He appreciated Donna’s concern but he knew Jules wouldn’t accept it. She had even balked at the mandatory sessions with Luria. He didn’t know any of the details from those meetings but he was sure she’d said and done only what she had to in order to satisfy the requirement. He was just grateful she would at least talk to him although he was pretty sure she wasn’t even telling him everything. “I’m sure she knows that but I’ll remind her.”

The elevator door opened up and Donna stepped inside and held the door. She realized she was getting the brush off but didn‘t take offense. “I’ve got to get to the debrief. You coming up? Pre-shift workout starts pretty soon. Wouldn‘t want the rest of the team to think you were slacking off on your first day back.”

Sam shook his head. “If I know Jules, she’ll be coming in any second now. I think I’ll wait down here and walk up with her. Thanks again for doing the rechecks for me.”

Donna nodded. “You’re welcome. I’ll tell Greg you’re good to go. Just remember I’m here if either you or Jules needs anything. I know you’ve got the rest of the team but sometimes it helps to have someone not as connected.”

Sam told her he’d keep it in mind as the elevator closed. He glanced at his watch. Jules was pretty predictable when it came to her schedule. She’d be walking in the door any second now. He hoped she wasn’t too mad at him for leaving without her.

As he waited, he thought about Donna’s concerns. Though he had acted like it was nothing, he was really worried about Jules. After everything that had happened, Sam had been glad it seemed like the effects of what happened were confined to her dreams. Only in her sleeping did she seem affected in any way by what had happened. The rest of the time she seemed to have bounced back better than he had. 

But he hadn’t been with her all the time. She’d been working her normal shifts while he’d been stuck at home recuperating. Had he missed something she’d been careful to hide from him? She seemed to be eating okay. He knew she had a tendency of losing her appetite when she was upset but he hadn’t noticed a change in her eating habits this time. He also hadn’t noticed any signs of weight loss that would indicate she’d been skipping meals when she wasn’t with him. 

Even though he hadn’t been at work in a month, his teammates had been stopping by regularly to visit and check up on him. They hadn’t mentioned any concerns and he was pretty sure Sarge at least would have said something if he’d seen something worrisome.

Maybe Donna was imagining things. He sighed; maybe the team and even he were too close to see if there really was a problem. No doubt Jules was a master at pretending nothing was wrong. She’d been doing so since her uncle first attacked her twenty years earlier. 

Still, she’d been better about at least letting him in since the truth had come out. She’d allowed him to see her vulnerable side in a way he didn’t think she’d ever shown anyone else. From the moment she started opening up to him while they had been at Halton, he’d seen how difficult it was for her to face her demons. But they had been facing them together. She wouldn’t completely shut him out. 

“Sam, hey.” 

He grinned at the sight of Jules walking toward him. She was carrying a cardboard drink holder tray with two large cups with the familiar logo and a bag with the same logo. When she was close enough he kissed her softly before taking the coffees from her. “Hey yourself. I am now completely and officially cleared for duty. Donna just finished my check-offs.”

Jules smiled. “Awesome. How early did you get here? I wasn’t even aware you were gone until I woke up.” 

Her tone was carefully neutral but Sam heard a slight accusation in it anyway. He grinned teasingly. “Yeah, well if you hadn’t been snoring so heavily you might have heard me.”

She slapped at his chest. “How many times have I told you that I don’t snore?”

Sam shrugged. “That’s right, you stayed up one night to listen and didn’t hear yourself.”

Jules’s eyes narrowed in mock anger as she took the coffee tray back from him. “I don’t have to take this abuse. I’ll just take the coffee and breakfast sandwiches upstairs and find someone who’s nicer to share them with.”

Sam chuckled and kissed her again. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry for suggesting you snore. You weren’t and you never have. But you were sleeping so peacefully that I didn’t have the heart to wake you. May I please have my breakfast?”

She seemed to consider his apology and request thoughtfully before handing him back the tray. “The one on the left is yours. Mess with my double double and I won’t be as forgiving.” 

“Yes, Ma’am. Did I hear mention of a sandwich too?” He took the one she’d indicated was his and handed her back the tray. He eyed the bag she was holding appreciatively.

His grin was infectious and boyish and made her heart melt just a little every time he looked at her that way. She grinned back at him as they started up the stairs. “Yeah, I wasn’t sure if you would be in the mood for sausage or bacon so I got one of each. I figured that way you wouldn’t start eyeing my bagel BELT once you wolfed down yours. So, did you do the obstacle course in the dark? The sun is just now starting to really come up.”

Sam nodded and he took one of the sandwiches from the bag. The check offs had left him hungry. Unwrapping it, he discovered it was the bacon sandwich, his ultimate favorite. He took a bite and waited until he had chewed and swallowed before answering. “Yeah, but with the lights on the training field, it wasn’t that dark. It was different, but kind of cool.”

Jules cocked an eyebrow. “So, what was your time?”

“Way under the required five minutes.” Sam’s answer was purposefully vague. He remembered when Jules had to do her recheck after she’d been drugged and attacked. She’d been so upset that her time had been 3:05. Considering he’d been recovering from a leg injury, he was pretty sure she’d be upset to know that he’d beaten that time. He didn’t know anyone who was as competitive as Jules, nobody except possibly himself.

“Sam…” 

He sighed. “3:02 but keep in mind that’s slower than my usual time. Stupid doc hasn’t been letting me work out the way I should.” 

Jules rolled her eyes. “Stupid doc knows you had really big holes carved into your thigh. You needed the time to heal before you put too much stress on that leg. Any pain now that you’ve run the course?”

Sam shrugged, finishing off the sandwich just as they reached their floor. “Nothing I can’t handle. After workout, I’ll pop a couple of Aleve and I’ll be set for the day.” He eyed the bag as he opened the door leading into the SRU headquarters. “Did you really get me two sandwiches?”

She nodded and offered him the bag again. She didn’t bother to question him on the pain. He was just as stubborn as she was but he was also just slightly better about accepting his limitations than she was. If he said it was okay, then she would trust his word. As they approached the communications desk, she threw away the tray the coffees had come in and retrieved her own sandwich. Winnie hadn’t arrived yet and Sid barely paid them any attention as she accepted the sandwich Sam handed her. 

Sam studied her for a moment as they quietly ate their breakfast. Despite the make-up that Donna had mentioned seeing Jules wearing lately, he could see the dark circles under her eyes. It concerned him even more knowing that Donna had noticed. Could he really blame Jules for having nightmares after everything that had happened? He’d had his own fair share of nightmares and he hadn’t been assaulted the way she had. In every other aspect of her life, she seemed to be handling things so well. But was that just a careful façade she’d perfected?

“You sleep okay last night?” He asked, trying to sound casual.

She nodded. It wasn’t exactly a lie. The nightmare hadn’t technically occurred during the night but rather the pre-dawn morning hours. “Apparently so since I didn’t hear you at all.”

“Look who’s back!” Spike’s exuberant voice filled the room as he entered the barn. He slapped Sam on the back as he approached. “The slacker finally returns. Awesome. The team’s back whole at last. About damn time.”

Jules wasn’t surprised to hear Spike’s enthusiastic greeting. How often had he complained in the last month that the team just wasn’t the same when they were a member or two down. “Slacker? Be careful who you call a slacker there Spike. Sam’s been here long enough already this morning to get re-qualified.”

“Damn.” He extended the word so that it seemed to last for several syllables instead of just the one. “Awesomeness. Hey, did Jules tell you we got that new scanner in that the department bought with that grant money? I swear I feel like Superman using it, like I can see through anything. It’s amazing. Babycakes is even jealous of its abilities.”

Sam cut a look toward Jules. “Are my ears deceiving me or is Spike cheating on Babycakes? And considering he’s dating my sister, why am I even joking about it?”

“Okay, ladies, less talking more exercising.” Ed Lane announced as he passed the trio. “Pre-shift workout isn’t going to work itself. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go. I want to see some sweat.”

“Of all the things I’ve missed while I was off, Ed’s eagerness isn’t one of them.” Sam confided just loud enough for Ed to hear.

“I heard that Braddock. Glad to have you back; you look like you’ve gotten a little flabby while you’ve been off. You been sitting on the couch eating bonbons the whole month?” Ed quipped as they all made their way to the gym. 

Sam shook his head. “Nope, if I’m getting flabby it’s your wife‘s fault. She‘s spoiling me.”

Ed stopped and turned to face him, his eyebrow raised in question. Jules slapped Sam’s shoulder but Sam just shook his head. “What? It’s true. The freezer is full of those Tupperware dishes that Sophie been bringing over since I got out of the hospital. I’m not complaining, mind you; your wife is an amazing chef. Beats take out any day.”

“Yeah, her shrimp alfredo is amazing.” Raf joined the conversation as he joined the group. “Then again, so is her chicken tetrazzini, her four cheese macaroni and cheese, and don’t get me started on her vegetable beef soup. The best thing about being on medical leave was that Sophie felt it was her duty to keep me well fed.”

Spike sat on the bench and reached for a couple of dumbbells. He looked from Sam to Raf to Ed and back again. “Wait, you mean to tell me that getting hurt means Sophie feeds you? Why hasn’t anyone ever shared this information with the rest of the class?”

Jules snickered as she turned the treadmill up to her usual speed and incline. “What, you planning on getting hurt just so Sophie will cook for you?”

Spike shook his head but it was clear he was thinking about it. “No, it’s not worth the time off, but still. You guys are holding out on me. That’s not cool.”

“If it makes you feel better she’s already cooking up a storm for the party tonight.” Ed assured the demolitions expert. It was a surprise party for Sarge’s upcoming birthday. Ed glanced around to make sure it was okay to speak freely. “Remember, the boss thinks this is just a normal team drink night, made even better because Sam’s been cleared to return to work. Nobody spills the beans.”

“So, Ed, what’s the latest about that training day coming up?” Jules broke into the conversation to alert Ed that Greg was coming. He nodded his understanding. 

“I was thinking about sending you and Sam to that one now that he’s back. There’s going to be some competitions during the day and the two of you are so competitive that I know you’ll show them why Team One’s the best.”

Before Greg fully joined them, the tone out page filled the room. “ _Team One, gear up. Hot Call.”_

As Winnie, who must have arrived in the time they’d made it to the gym, rattled off the information, Sam couldn’t help but be glad to be back at work. They raced to the locker room and quickly changed.

An hour later, he was wondering why he’d been in such a hurry to get back. He’d been perched on the roof top of a nearby building with his rifle aimed on a suspect holding a victim at gunpoint. Ed was supposed to be Sierra One but his location had lost its vantage point and he’d been forced to turn the role over to Sam. Greg was working the negotiation but it was still undetermined if he was going to be successful. 

“Team, we’ve got a second suspect running from the scene.” Ed suddenly reported though the headsets. “Jules, he’s headed south down Berksten. Be careful, I can see that he’s armed.” 

Jules copied the information and took off in pursuit along with Raf and Spike. Sam couldn’t think about what was going on with them as he remained focused on the suspect. The second suspect’s fleeing seemed to bring the negotiations to a grinding halt. The man holding the hostage was clearly escalating and Sam’s finger hovered over the trigger, anticipating the Scorpio call any second. He was prepared then a couple of seconds later when it was clear that the suspect was about to shoot his hostage. Sam’s finger tightened on the trigger before the second syllable of Scorpio was out of Greg’s mouth. The suspect fell and Sam sat back. Then his heart plummeted though when Raf’s frantic voice filled the head set. 

“Shots fired. Officer down. We need EMS at Berksten and Clout.”


	2. Chapter 2

Sam sat back on his heels from his rooftop perch. He’d already set his Remy to the side ready for collection as he knew it would be only moments before someone arrived to collect not only the gun but him as well. It was all procedural; he knew this routine better than he knew his own name. Normally it didn’t bother him any more than just being a necessary nuisance. Today, however, wasn’t normally.

Shots fired. Officer down. EMS requested. Words no cop wants or likes to hear, but when the person you love, the person whose very heartbeat gives worth and reason for your own, was in the line of fire then they were the words of nightmares. Had she been hit? Why hadn’t he heard her voice over the headset? Surely she would know he was frantic with worry and would find some way to alert him she was okay if she could. The fact that she hadn’t only fueled his worry.

“Constable Braddock, we’ll need you to come with us.” As predicted, it hadn’t taken long for someone to arrive. Sam barely listened as they explained the procedure he knew so well. Instead he had one hand to the headset, pushing it closer to his ear as if that would enable him to hear the information he desperately needed. When they got to the point about him not being allowed to talk to anyone, he looked up sharply.

Not talk to anyone? Could they really expect him not to be concerned that a colleague and possibly the woman he loved had been injured? Did they know just what restraint it had already taken not to start screaming Jules’s name into the headset and demanding to know if she was okay? Did they know exactly how much it was killing him not knowing? Did they even care? “Look, I know how this works and I’m willing to do what I have to do. Could someone just please let me know who was hurt and how severely before you haul me to the station?”

His request fell on deaf ears as he was led from the rooftop. Sam guessed he had the answer to the question as to whether they cared. As they emerged from the stairwell, he looked around for any member of his team he could ask, screw the procedures. There was no one in sight; they must all be taking care of whoever had gotten hurt. He planted his feet against the sidewalk. “I’m not going any further until I know who was hit.”

The suit clad officer frowned. “Constable, you have no choice but to go with us. Failure to do so will result in disciplinary action. Protocols….”

Sam took a step closer to the man, his jaw slightly rocking in barely contained anger. “I don’t give a damn about protocols right now. Someone on my team was injured and I need to know how bad he or she has been hurt. That’s all I’m asking for. Now what’s so damn impossible about that?”

Inspector Stainton approached, his frown more than evident. “What’s the difficulty here?”

“Constable Braddock is refusing to cooperate…” The officer started to explain but Sam quickly interrupted him.

“This asshole apparently doesn’t give a shit that I have a teammate injured. I’ve told them I’ll cooperate fully with their investigation but I need information. All I want to know is who and how badly and then I won’t cause any more trouble.” He was breathing hard and was ready to unleash the full force of his frustration on the newcomer despite the man’s higher rank or maybe because of it. 

“Relax Braddock, I was just over there. Scarlatti took one to the vest here.” The inspector touched his right shoulder near his shoulder bone. 

Sam let out a sigh of relief. Jules hadn’t been the one injured. She was okay. Then just as quickly as the relief flooded through him, he felt guilty. Spike was his friend and he didn’t want him to be injured either. At least knowing that the vest had stopped the bullet’s trajectory helped assuage a little of his guilt. “So he’s okay?”

Stainton nodded. “He’ll have a nice bruise and a sore shoulder but he’ll be fine. Medics are checking him but it’s more of a formality.”

Trying to make amends for his earlier relief, Sam pressed on. “They’ll insist that he go to the hospital to get it checked out, right? Just in case?”

Stainton shrugged. “They’ll suggest and highly recommend it but it’s ultimately his decision. While I was over there, he was protesting that it wasn’t necessary. Lane was trying to talk him into it. There was something said about a meatball sub from Sophie if Scarlatti would go to the ER to get checked out.”

Despite his worry, Sam grinned. Had it only been just before the call out that Spike had been complaining that they’d been holding out on him the information that Sophie Lane liked to cook for the wounded teammates? As tempting as any meal Sophie cooked could be, and Sam knew how much Spike loved meatball sandwiches, he wasn’t sure it would be enough to convince Spike to consent to a hospital visit. They were all guilty of being stubborn when it came to doing what they should when injured. 

“Ready to go now?”

Sam nodded and allowed himself to be led to the unmarked sedans. Greg was also being directed to one and the older man gave him a thumbs up sign as if to say good job and that everything was going to be okay. He nodded but then his eyes landed on Jules. She was standing at a third sedan and for a moment as their eyes met nobody and nothing else mattered. Sam took strength and reassurance from her gaze that was locked on him and he hoped he’d given what she needed at the same time. She offered him a wan smile and nodded toward him before slipping into the back seat of the sedan. It was with a lighter heart that he finally settled into the back seat of his own sedan. 

Despite the fact that the call had been pretty much cut and dried, the SIU investigation seemed to take longer than the actual hot call itself. By the time Sam was cleared to leave, he’d been ready to pull his hair out. Didn’t matter how many times Sam sat on this side of the investigation table, it never got easier having every moment of an incident called into question. He knew he’d done the only thing possible and even though it was never the desired outcome to have to take down a suspect using lethal force, sometimes it was unavoidable. No officer really wants to take a life and having his actions questioned afterward only made things harder. 

He stepped out of the interview room, wanting nothing more than to go back to the SRU floor and take a quick shower before putting on another uniform to replace the one he had to shed for evidence. He couldn’t wait for the last couple of hours of his shift to be over. If he hadn’t been looking forward to the party after shift to celebrate Sarge’s birthday, he certainly was now. There was nothing like a few beers to wash away the annoyance that seemed to naturally creep up after an SIU investigation. 

Leaning against a wall was the person Sam needed even more than he could use a beer or two. Jules smiled at him and stepped away from the wall. For a moment Sam stood locked into place, unable to speak, unable to move, almost unable to breathe. Inspector Stainton had told him that Spike had been the one injured. He’d seen Jules at the scene, intact and uninjured, but seeing her now was like seeing her for the first time. She was there and she was fine. He wanted to take her in his arms, swing her around and then kiss her until they were both completely breathless. He held back only because he didn’t want to give the suits in the next room any ammunition to hold over him the next time he found himself sitting opposite them. 

“Hey. Everything go okay in there?” Jules tilted her head in the direction of the room he’d just left.

Sam nodded. “Yeah, as well as any SIU investigation goes. What about you? I figured since you got a chauffeured ride back here in the back of a sedan, you must have taken down the second suspect.”

Jules shrugged, and then reached out to lace her fingers between his. He loved the way her hand fit in his. She used their joined hands to gently tug him toward the stairwell so they could return to the SRU floor. “It wasn’t too bad. Somehow I keep getting the same investigator. For all the trouble he gave me the last two times, he barely put up a token investigation. I almost got the feeling I scare him.”

She sounded like the idea completely baffled her. He looked down at her, trying to gauge whether she seriously couldn’t see how anyone could be intimidated by her or if she was being funny. He could completely see why the SIU investigator would be scared of her. She didn’t back down from anything or anyone. If he didn’t know her better; if he hadn’t earned her respect and trust, he could easily see himself being just as intimidated. 

Once they were in the stairwell and the door closed behind them, he pulled her close to him and wrapped his arms around her. Perhaps he couldn’t kiss her senseless the way he wanted to until they were off shift, but he needed at least a moment or two of her being in his arms to rid himself of any lingering fears of her being hurt. She didn’t question or complain; instead, she simply put her own arms around him and pressed herself against him. He kissed the top of her head.

“When Raf said there was an officer down, I think my heart stopped beating for a little bit. I was so afraid you’d been hurt or killed. It took everything in me not to scream out for a status report but the damn protocols meant I couldn‘t say anything. I don’t think I really relaxed even after Stainton told me Spike was okay until I saw you with my own eyes. It’s not that I don’t think you are capable of taking care of yourself; I know you can, but no matter how good any of us are, things happen.”

She lifted her head so that she was looking at his face. Rising up on her tiptoes, she brushed her lips against his. “I know. I wanted to say something over the radio so you would know I was okay but those damn protocols meant I couldn’t. I’m sorry you were worried.”

He lightly massaged her lower back, wanting to run his hands up the back of her t-shirt just as much as he wanted to claim her mouth. “I’m sorry Spike was hurt but I’m not sorry that it wasn’t you. I guess that makes me kind of a shitty friend.”

“Don’t beat yourself up, Sam. Just because you are glad that I’m okay doesn’t mean you wanted something bad to happen to anyone else. Come on, we’d better get back upstairs. Spike kept insisting that he was okay before I got led off, but Ed was trying to get him to go to the hospital to get checked out just in case.”

Sam remembered what Stainton had said as he fell into step beside her. His left hand stayed on her lower back. “I heard he was bribing him with a meatball sub.”

Jules grinned. “Yeah, apparently Sophie’s made enough meatballs for the party tonight to feed an army so Ed felt pretty safe in volunteering a few of them as an incentive to get him to go to the ER. I don’t know though; as much as Spike loves meatball subs, he didn’t look much inclined to give in. I don’t know why he’s being so stubborn about it.”

Sam snorted. “Yeah, I don’t know anyone else that would argue about getting checked out.”

She gave him a playful shove. “Hey, the last time I took a bullet to the vest, I went to the ER without protest.”

“I’ll agree that you went but the without protest I’ll argue with. I seem to remember you insisting on walking out on your own power despite the fact that you could barely stand. I seem to remember that being a condition to you agreeing to go.” Inwardly Sam shuddered, remembering the call where a teacher being held at gunpoint by a student she’d seduced had suddenly pulled her own gun and shot at Jules. If it hadn’t been for the Kevlar vest stopping the bullet, it would have caught Jules straight in the heart. She’d had the wind knocked out of her and a bruise that looked brutal and painful but she’d bounced back from it like nothing had happened. 

She shrugged lightly. “Okay, so we’re all a little guilty of being stubborn. I think it’s one of the things we look for when picking new team members.” As they reached the floor for the SRU, Jules stopped and turned to face Sam, her expression turning serious. “I guess today’s not been the first day back you were looking forward to.”

With one hand still on her lower back, he brought his other up to gently caress her cheek. “I wish we could have had a different outcome on that call but I’m glad to be back. Glad to be doing what I love with the person I love by my side. If we have about ten more calls today, I’ll be okay with that as well. Then tonight after we’ve celebrated with our friends, I get to go home with you and now that we don’t have to worry about that stupid leg wound, I’m looking forward to showing you once again just how much I love you.”

A shiver of anticipation ran down her spine as she lightly chewed on her lip. In the month since his injury, their lovemaking had been limited. The doctor had limited his physical activity for the first couple of weeks, and Jules had insisted that that meant in bed as well. Then when the doctor approved light activity, she’d suggested that he concentrate that time more on building himself back up for returning to work. They hadn’t been totally abstinent but they’d both been feeling the loss of their usual intimacy. “I really like the sound of that.”

Glancing around to make sure they were still alone in the stairwell, Sam lowered his head to give her a chaste kiss on the lips. “Then let’s go keep the peace so the day will go quicker.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
In the end, they only had three more hot calls during their shift. A jumper that Sarge successfully talked down, a hold up at a convenience store that went bad but had been resolved peacefully before it went even worse, and a domestic violence call that ended in a murder/suicide before they could even arrive on scene. Sam was tired by the time he stepped under the spray of the shower at the end of the shift, but it was a good kind of tired. It had been difficult the last month, watching Jules leave for work and knowing he was on the sidelines when he should be helping. If only he’d been paying more attention when he had arrived at Rhonda’s apartment, maybe he wouldn’t have been injured, maybe Dawson wouldn’t have threatened Jules and she wouldn’t have had to stand there as Maithis killed her sadistic uncle and then threatened to do the same to her.

In the days following his injury, he finally got out of Spike everything that had happened in the apartment after he’d been taken to the hospital. It wasn’t easy for any of them to take the Scorpio shot but it had to be worse to be the victim held at gunpoint when it happened. To be threatened one second and the next have the gunman’s blood and brain matter splattered on you, what had that been like for Jules? She didn’t talk about it, not with him and he was pretty sure she’d been vague in her answers when she’d met with Luria in the aftermath. The few times he’d tried to broach it with her, however, he’d seen the little spark in the depths of her eyes that told that it bothered her more than she’d ever admit. 

He’d never admit to anyone how much he’d been beating himself up over his failure that day. He was Special Forces trained, damnit; how the hell had he not heard Dawson approach before getting hit? He’d promised himself when he first started getting an inkling of what had happened to Jules as a teenager, that he would do everything possible to make sure she wasn’t hurt again. What a failure he was. He hadn’t been there when Dawson drugged her and almost raped her in their own living room; hadn’t been there when a second assailant had broken into their attic and tried to do the same; but had been there when Dawson had made his last stand but thanks to a knife in his thigh had been powerless to do anything. He couldn’t change any of that but now that his leg was fully healed, he was determined to do everything he could to make it up to her. 

Turning off the shower, he reached for his towel. The team needed the party tonight, not just as a chance to celebrate Sarge’s birthday but because things had been too crazy for the last couple of months. If Toth came back to evaluate the team, would he be feel comfortable clearing them this time? Jules had been attacked twice and forced to take the life of one of her attackers and then was also there as the second one -- her own uncle -- was taken down. Ed and Raf had been injured in a boat explosion that should have killed them and Jules and Wordy. The day Ed returned to work he’d had to make the impossible shot that saved Jules’s life. Sam had been stabbed in the thigh. Only Spike and Sarge had been spared physical injury but watching their teammates suffer couldn’t have been easy. Even though Sam thought they were handling everything as well as could be expected, he was sure Toth would have a field day trying to tear them down. 

Sam wrapped the towel around his now dry body and emerged from the shower area. Spike was standing in front of his own open locker buttoning his shirt. The demolitions expert had a pretty nasty bruise on his shoulder where the vest had stopped the bullet earlier in the day. He’d been downplaying the injury all day, even going so far as to make jokes about it, but Sam had also seen him with an ice pack in between calls. Sam knew from experience how painful even what seemed like such a minor wound could be. Spike closed his locker. “You really think Sarge has no idea about tonight? I mean he’s a world class profiler. How could he not suspect something?”

Sam shrugged. “What’s to suspect? His birthday is still over a week away so you know he’s not thinking about it. Plus, drinks with the team isn’t that uncommon; neither is him picking up Ed. I think we’re safe.”

Spike grinned. “Until he gets there and finds out we’re all there. Good thing he won’t have his sidearm. Did we ever tell you about the one time we tried to give Jules a surprise party for her birthday? Set her up good too. She never saw it coming. We forgot how good her reflexes are though. If she’d been armed, she would have taken out the room. As it was Wordy ended up flat on his ass since he was the closest to the door when we yelled surprise.” 

Ordinarily Sam would have chuckled at the story. He knew she didn’t like to be surprised. He remembered how quickly Jules had drawn down on him when he first met her. Now that he knew what she went through at as a teenager, he wondered how much her aversion to surprises had to do with what her uncle did to her. He shook his head. “Yeah, well, Sarge would be more likely to negotiate us down than pull a gun on us.”

There was a sharp rap on the side of the lockers and Jules cleared her throat signaling her presence. Sam grinned and told her it was safe to enter. She came around the corner and wrapped her arms around Sam’s waist. “What’s taking you two so long? Everyone else left ages ago. If we don’t get a move on, we’ll be late.”

Spike nodded. “I still have to swing by and get Natalie. Gotta go. See ya at the party. Do me a favor though, don’t mention the close call today to Nat tonight. I know I’ll have to tell her cause the bruise is going to pretty much give things away, but I’d rather not panic her until after the party.”

Sam shook his head. “I know my sister. She’s going to freak regardless. My advice is to tell her as soon as you pick her up, show her the bruise, let her fuss a moment. She won’t have time to go into full Nat mode because of the party and by the time it’s over she’ll be over it as well.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Spike promised and then left. Sam closed his locker and twisted the lock before turning to Jules. 

“You ready?”

She nodded. “I’ve been ready for the last twenty minutes. I swear I don’t know why they complain about girls being the ones who make couples late. Whoever came up with that notion never met you obviously.”

“Whatever.” Sam put his arm around Jules’s waist as they left the locker room. Once they were in the parking lot, Sam secured his bike to the rack on the back of the Jeep. Before Jules could get into the passenger side of the vehicle, Sam gave her hand a tug and pulled her close. Pressing her against the side of the Jeep and sandwiching her between his body and the Jeep. Finally he felt free to give in to the urges he’d been suppressing all day. His lips captured hers first in an almost desperate kiss. Her lips parted allowing him full access. 

He could have lost himself in the kiss, wanted to lose himself in it. Jules emitted a throaty moan of pleasure that indicated she was enjoying it just as much as he was. Birthdays and surprises and parties were momentarily forgotten; Sam was on the verge of suggesting they skip the party completely and go straight home. Before he could, Jules broke off the kiss, breathing hard. 

“As nice as that is -- and believe me it’s very nice, I think we should head to Ed’s. If we’re late, he’ll have us running the obstacle course tomorrow in full gear AND carrying Spike and Raf on our backs. For the record though, when we get home, I’m all for picking up where we left off.”

“Copy that.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
Normally Jules loved a good party. The louder and more rambunctious the festivities the better. She should be enjoying this one. She was surrounded by her friends, the people she loved more than just about anyone. The food was delicious; not that she’d expect anything less when Sophie did the cooking. The alcohol was flowing freely, although she was only just finishing her first beer an hour into the party. The music, what could be heard of it over the boisterous talking of her friends, was just the type she liked.

She couldn’t say she was having a bad time; it wasn’t that. She simply found herself retreating momentarily to the kitchen just to get a respite from the noise. If pressed, she wouldn’t even call it retreating. She set her beer bottle on the counter and took several deep breaths. All she needed was a moment to regroup and then she’d get right back into the swing of the party. 

“I swear Clark could have 50 of his closest friends over and it wouldn’t get as rowdy as it does when the team is over.” Sophie announced as she came into the kitchen with Jules carrying a stack of dirty dishes. She set them in the sink and then looked at Jules. “Eddie said there was a tough call for both you and Sam. Everything went well with SIU didn’t it?”

Jules nodded. “Yeah, they can try to give us a hard time but when we do everything by the book, it’s just a formality. It’s all good. Spike probably had it harder since he took a bullet to the vest.“ She looked around to make sure Nat hadn’t wandered in. “Don’t talk about that though. Spike wasn’t sure when he was going to tell Nat that little nugget of information. Want me to give you a hand with those? It’s the least I could do after all the cooking you did…”

“Don’t you dare.” Sophie warned. “I’ve got Eddie and Clark lined up for clean up duty later and I want them to enjoy every minute of it. In fact they should feel lucky that I’m even bringing the dishes in here.”

Jules grinned. “Ed Lane on dish duty. I think I would pay money to see that.”

“A few years ago it would have been a sight worth paying money for. Since Izzy was born though he’s gotten a lot better about helping around the house. Don’t tell him I told you that though. I might not be able to get him to do anything if he thinks the team knows.”

“My lips are sealed.” Jules promised. 

Sophie picked up a covered platter off the counter. “I’ve got to get these out the table. You coming?”

Jules nodded. “In a minute. Ed was telling me about the finish he put on your cabinets and I wanted to check it out to see if it’s something I wanted to do to mine.”

It wasn’t the complete truth but it was easier than admitting she was still needed a respite. Sophie encouraged her to take her time and then went back out into the crowd. Alone again in the kitchen, Jules picked up her beer and downed the last of the alcohol. She could have used a second one but wasn’t ready to rejoin the crowd in order to retrieve one from the cooler. 

“Hey, there you are. I was looking for you.” Shelley Wordsworth entered the kitchen. Almost as if she had read Jules‘s mind, she had two beers in her hand. She handed one to Jules. “When Lily heard we were meeting the team tonight, she begged me to ask you about Patches.”

Jules laughed as she opened the bottle and took a sip. “He’s spoiled rotten. I bet he didn’t know what to do with himself today since Sam was back at work. I swear I came home one day and they were both stretched out on the couch sound asleep, exact same position and everything. He thinks he has the complete run of the first floor but he still won’t go up the stairs beyond the third step. I know he’s not scared of heights because he climbed to the top of my bookcase the other day but it’s like he’s afraid of the second floor. I wonder if he remembers being left in the attic.”

Shelley watched her carefully. “Maybe. Sometimes it’s hard to get past a trauma no matter how safe you know you are. There are days that something that anyone else would consider totally stupid triggers a reaction and it’s been years since my first marriage. It tears me up when it happens because I know it hurts Kevin too. It’s not that I don’t trust him or think that he would ever do anything to hurt me; he’d rather cut out his own heart than hurt me or the girls. I catch myself pulling away or flinching in reaction to something he says or does and I can see it in his eyes. He thinks I don’t trust him.”

Jules didn’t answer. Though she knew about Shelley’s abusive first marriage, Wordy didn’t really talk about it much. He’d certainly never mentioned feeling like there were times Shelley didn’t trust him. She always considered that they had the strongest marriage of anyone she knew, stronger even than Ed and Sophie. She was glad that she didn’t have to worry about Sam thinking she didn’t trust him. 

You don’t trust him though. The voice in her head argued. If you trusted him like you claim to trust him, you wouldn’t hold anything back from him. You would let him love you the way he wants to love you not just the way you are comfortable. She frowned around her beer. Don’t do that to yourself. Sam understands. He knows it’s not him. And you are working toward getting past what happened to you. Sam is helping you do that. He knows the amount of trust that takes. Right, all that he tried to do to give you back what you lost flew out the window when you were attacked again. You went right back to square one. Way to let Sam know you trust him.

“Jules, you okay?” Shelley sounded more than a little worried. 

Jules blinked. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Sorry, zoned out for a moment. So what do you do? When he feels like you don’t trust him?”

Shelly shrugged. “I can’t control what triggers affect me and Kevin knows that. So after it passes, all I can do is reassure him that it’s not him but the situation. Then I try harder the next time not to let it get to me. Some days it’s easier than others. I just try to make sure I’m honest with Kevin about everything. I owe it to him not to do anything less.”

Jules considered everything Shelley had said. She’d been holding back from Sam too long. It was time she really put the past behind her. She remembered the night she’d asked Sam to help her get back what she’d lost the night her uncle had attacked her. Her decision was made; no matter how hard it might be, it was time to allow him to make love to her the way a lover really should make love to a person. Tonight.


	3. Chapter 3

Sam was not drunk. Sure, he’d lost track of the number of beers he’d consumed at the party. It seemed like every time he’d disposed of an empty bottle, a full one seemed to miraculously take its place. While the number of beers was questionable, he knew for certain that he’d had exactly two glasses of the rum punch Ed had made. It wasn’t really his favorite drink -- a little too much punch for his taste, but Ed was always so proud of it that Sam felt obligated to have a couple of glasses.

Even with the beer and rum punch, he knew he wasn’t drunk. At least not in the fall-down-stupid sense of the word. Were he to submit to a breathalyzer test, he was fairly sure he would be under the legal limit and was cockily confident that he could walk a straight line and pass any other field sobriety test he might be given. Still, when it came time to leave the party around ten o’clock, he didn’t hesitate to hand the keys to the Jeep over to Jules. Passing a test was one thing; taking a chance with human lives was quite another.

He’d dangled the keys before her and offered her a trade: the keys for a kiss. Their lips had briefly brushed against each other in a quick, chaste kiss since neither was really big on public displays of affection. He missed the slightly startled look in her eyes as she followed him down the driveway to their vehicle.

He also missed the way her hands were just slightly shaking despite the warm late summer night as she turned the key in the ignition and put the Jeep into drive. Instead, he started telling her a funny joke Spike had told earlier when she hadn’t been with him. Spike stories were always hilarious but became immensely more amusing after he’d had a few drinks. The proof that Sam wasn’t completely drunk came when he realized that Jules didn’t laugh the way she usually would.

He glanced over at her. She had both hands on the wheel and her eyes were fixed on the road ahead. There was a tenseness in her shoulders but she didn’t really seem upset; just distracted. Even buzzed, he recognized her posture. She was in full project mode. He grinned. He loved watching her when she got her mind set on a project. She threw herself into it the same way she threw herself into everything she found important: wholeheartedly one hundred and fifty percent.

He wondered what she’d seen at Ed and Sophie’s that had inspired her. He knew Ed had talked about redoing the cabinets in the kitchen and at some point Sophie had insisted on having marble countertops installed as well making the kitchen look almost brand new. He knew Jules had spent quite a bit of the evening in that room and either would probably have appealed to the renovator in Jules. A project would be good for her; a way for her to fully exorcise those demons of the past couple of months. The things that had been weighing her down and keeping her from sleeping could be put to rest so she too could rest. Exhaust the body so the mind would follow. 

When she pulled into their driveway and her right hand reached for the gear shift to put the Jeep into park, his hand was there to cover hers and give it a quick squeeze. Even in the dim light, he could tell she was blushing slightly as if she realized she’d be caught at something. 

“Sam, I…”

He cut her off almost immediately. “It’s okay; I understand. Whatever you have in mind, we’ll do it. I’ll help you all I can and if I can’t, I’ll still be right there with you every step of the way.”

She chewed her bottom lip, and Sam could swear she looked almost nervous. What was it about this project she had in mind that was worrying her? Had she been afraid he wouldn’t be supportive? He felt compelled to add, “I mean it, Jules. Anything.”

“I love you.”

He grinned. He would never get tired of hearing her say that. His memories that first night in the hospital after he’d been stabbed were hazy at best and would probably always remain that way. He wasn’t sure if it was a dream or reality but he clearly remembered hearing Jules’s voice telling him over and over again how much she loved him. He’d held on to those words like a life line and allowed them to pull him back from the darkness. Now, he raised their enjoined hands to his lips and kissed hers. “I love you too.”

Perhaps if his mind hadn’t been clouded by the alcohol, he would have realized there was something different about her behavior, something more pressing than just a regular renovation project. As it was, he didn’t pick up on anything. They walked up the sidewalk hand in hand, and Sam was glad they had a later shift the next day so they could sleep in or at the very least have a lazy morning in bed together.

Once inside the house, Sam watched as Jules locked and bolted the door behind them. As she turned toward him, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tightly into his embrace. Then his head lowered and his mouth sought out hers, giving her the kiss he hadn’t been comfortable giving her in front of the rest of the team. His tongue swept hungrily inside her mouth, desperate for more.

At first, she yielded eagerly to him, and, in fact, pressed closer against him as if she could also not get enough. Then, as abruptly as if someone had flipped a switch, she froze in his arms. Sam’s fingers twirled themselves in her hair, and he deepened the kiss, not noticing the change in her. He was aware of nothing but how good her kiss tasted until she did something she’d never done before. She pushed him away from her.

He was sure his confusion was evident in his eyes as he looked at her. Her own expression wavered between fear, hurt, and perhaps a little anger. She was breathing hard, and despite the emotions swirling in her expression, her eyes were unfocused as if she wasn’t really there. It scared him.

“Jules, Sweetheart, I’m sorry.” He reached out to touch her cheek with just his fingertips but she flinched at his touch. He took a couple of steps away from her even though instinct told him to hold and reassure her. “Jules?”

The flush of embarrassment he’d thought he’d seen earlier was even more apparent now. She looked away from him, but not before he saw a hint of tears pooling. She walked, half stumbling, over to the couch and sat down. Patches, who had been curled in a ball sleeping at the other end, meowed at the realization that he was no longer alone, and, after stretching, walked to her and climbed into her lap. She clutched the kitten to her, her hand rubbing the fur almost absently. 

“Jules,” Sam tried again, not moving from his position no matter how much he wanted to hold her. “Did I hurt you?”

She shook her head, and Sam breathed a sigh of relief. But it was short lived because it was obvious to him that she wasn’t okay.

“Did I say or do something tonight to upset you?” Again she shook her head. “But you are upset, aren’t you?” This time she shrugged. For a moment Sam felt like he was back in the Emergency Room with her after she’d been drugged and attacked in this very living room. His frustration then at only being able to communicate through blinks and yes/no questions was nothing compared to now, knowing she could explain but for some reason wouldn’t.

That night in the ER, it had been his fear that his touch would scare her, that his close proximity would frighten her or remind her of the attack. He’d been relieved that his fears had been unfounded. Or at least they had been until this very moment. So what was so different now?

He covered his face with his hands and blew out a frustrated breath. In the pocket of space created by his hands, he was able to catch a whiff of his breath. He swore silently. The smell of rum was obviously present even though he’d only consumed two glasses of the rum punch at the party. 

No wonder she had reacted the way she had. She didn’t talk much about the attack but he’d hung on to every painful word of her statement to the detectives handling her case after the attack. The haze of alcohol evaporated as he thought about how Dawson had used a rum soaked rag to wash away any trace of salvia he might have left as evidence. She’d only talked about it that one time but he’d noticed without saying anything that afterward, she’d disposed of the bottle of rum they kept for those rare times they used it for cooking or entertaining. It hadn’t been replaced. 

He started toward her but thought better of it. Instead, he made his way up the stairs, through the bedroom, and into the bathroom. He brushed his teeth, and then for extra measure rinsed his mouth twice with mouthwash. He tested his breath again, and this time only smelled the mint-y freshness of the mouthwash. Before heading back downstairs and to Jules, he reached in his pocket for the pack of cinnamon flavored gum he’d put there after work. He popped the last two pieces in his mouth to ensure she didn’t get even the slightest hint of rum on his breath.

She was still sitting on the couch, cuddling Patches close. Never had Sam felt so jealous of an animal the way he did right then. He sat down on the opposite end of the couch, keeping his distance from her. “Jules, I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”

He was grateful that this time she actually looked over at him. The fear was gone but he could still see the embarrassment and anger. She shook her head. “You didn’t do anything.”

She was talking to him. He smiled ever so slightly, taking comfort in the small steps. “I never meant to trigger bad memories. I guess maybe I was a little more wasted than I thought. I’d never want to hurt you.”

For a moment, she didn’t answer and once again her eyes were everywhere but on him. Sam practically held his breath, waiting for her to say something, anything. When she finally did, her voice sounded distant as if she were far away. “I wanted you to kiss me. I want you to do more than kiss me. I wanted you to take me upstairs and make love to me like you’ve never been able to do before.” She looked back at him and he could see the hurt as well. “That’s what I wanted and what I needed. Then, all of a sudden, it wasn’t you and me anymore. He was here and I was once more trapped and couldn’t get away.”

She didn’t have to name the he she was referring to. Sam knew she was talking about her uncle and didn’t need to see the slight shudder she gave to realize it. Once again he reached out to touch her cheek, tentatively this time and ready to pull back if she wasn’t ready for it. She didn’t flinch and instead leaned into his touch. His thumb caressed her soft skin. “Sweetheart, I know you don’t want to hear this but we knew flashbacks weren’t only a possibility but more like a definite reality we’d face. I’ve tried very hard not to do anything that would be a trigger but tonight I just didn’t think when I drank that punch.”

“You should be able to drink anything you want to drink. I shouldn’t have reacted that way. It wasn’t fair to you…”

He was starting to realize that the anger he‘d sensed in her was directed at herself and not at him. He‘d rather she was made at him. “It’s okay, Jules. I’m sorry I made things tough for you.”

She shook her head. “I swore I wasn’t going to let what happened control me. It’s over and he can’t hurt me anymore. I should be stronger…”

“Are you shitting me? Jules, you are the strongest person I know. Do you really think because a taste or smell reminded you of a horrible experience that it means you aren’t strong? That’s so far from the truth that it’s ridiculous.”

Her lower lip quivered but no tears spilled down her cheeks. In fact, the hint of tears he’d seen earlier had completely disappeared. It didn‘t stop her voice from sounding defeated. “I don’t trust you.”

A punch in the gut wouldn’t have hurt as much as those four words. He lowered his head, not wanting her to see how much it hurt but this time she reached out to take the hand touching her cheek in her own. She kissed it. “I’m sorry. I know I can trust you and I want to trust you. Hell, I really thought I did. Obviously though I don’t. If I really trusted you, I wouldn’t have pulled away from you. Not the way I did earlier and not when we make love either. I know you would never hurt me and I should be able to give myself to you fully but I don’t. The only thing that would explain that is that I don’t trust you the way I should.”

Realization hit him like a two ton sledgehammer, and hurt just as much. Worse than thinking she didn’t trust him was this understanding that she was taking her reactions as proof that she didn‘t. If it was really a matter of her not trusting him, he was pretty sure he knew what to do with that. He could be patient and slowly but surely win her trust if that’s what it took. But how could he counter the real issue here? The fact that she didn’t trust her own responses enough to know that it had nothing to do with him?

“Let me get this straight. You think because there are things you aren’t comfortable with, it means you don’t trust me enough? Seriously? Is this because you pushed me away tonight? Jules, you weren’t pushing me away; it was the rum. Look at you, you are sitting here, talking to me, touching me, letting me touch you. How could you say you don’t trust me?”

Jules set Patches on the floor and stood. Walking over to the little table near the stairs, she picked up the framed photograph of her and Sam. Not that long ago, the glass in the photograph had been shattered by her uncle during one of his forages into her house. She didn’t know how many times he’d made himself at home; there was so much she didn’t know about what he’d done or why he’d done it since Miathis had killed him before she could get all the answers she needed. Now the glass had been restored almost as if nothing had ever happened. Sam had asked her at one point if she would rather he find a different picture to replace it completely, and she’d said no. She didn’t want to change things because of the attack; it seemed too much like giving Johnny continued power over her. “I pushed you away, Sam. You weren’t doing anything wrong, and yet I pushed you away. How could you say I trusted you?”

Sam rose off the couch and joined her. Taking the picture out of her hands, he set it back on the table and then lightly gripped her shoulders. He could tell he wasn’t convincing her of anything. He sighed and tried a different approach. “Do you think I’m weak or that I don’t trust you or our friends?” He waited as she shook her head. “Well, don’t you think this has affected me as well? Things I wouldn’t have thought twice about before make me hesitate big time now.”

“Yeah, right,” Jules argued. “You’ve been my rock through this. I haven’t seen…”

He raised one of his arms and brushed a finger over her lips, silencing her. “Just because you haven’t seen it doesn’t mean my fears aren’t there. I have my triggers too. Tonight, I was talking to Wordy and he suggested it was time you and I came over for another cook out. I wanted to say yes; I had no reason not to, yet I heard myself hedging and saying I had lost track of how our schedule was running while I’d been off. He didn’t question me about it; just said to give him a call and let him know what date works for us when I knew our schedule, but I could tell he was confused.”

Jules frowned. “Why would you hesitate? A chance to get his jalapeño burgers…” She trailed off as she remembered how the night had ended the last time they went to the Wordsworths.

Sam nodded, knowing she was on the same page as he was now. “It’s stupid I know. Johnny is dead and that psychotic rapist he set up to take the fall for what happened to you can’t hurt you anymore either. But Wordy made the invitation and my heart seized up. My reaction makes less sense than yours did because us eating out with Wordy and Shelly didn’t have anything to do with what happened that night.”

Jules frowned, her expression one he recognized as one she got when she had to concede a point she didn’t want to admit to. “Not so stupid. Damnit Sam, it’s not supposed to be this hard.”

Sam grinned, glad to see she was past the point of beating herself up over her reaction -- at least temporarily. “Copy that. Hard as it is though, I know we’re both going to make it through this okay. We don’t know any other way.”

Jules stared into his blue eyes. She knew he had a point but she didn’t want to eventually be okay, she wanted it right away. “I don’t want to be a victim anymore. Every time I have a bad reaction, whether you want to say I have a right to them or not, I feel like I’m his victim all over again. Just when I make a vow to myself that I’m not giving him that power over me, this happens and it reminds me of everything I want to forget all over again.”

“Jules…”

She shook her head. “No, Sam, don’t make excuses for me. I am stronger than this. Yeah, Johnny hurt me but I can get past it. I didn’t let an armor piercing bullet get the better of me and I’m sure as hell not going to let this either.”

Sam pulled her in close, ready to release her if she protested even slightly but glad when she seemed to melt into his embrace. He kissed the top of her head. “I know you aren’t. I never doubted it. But seriously, Jules, it’s not going to go away completely just because you want it to. And yeah, I know we had pretty much a similar conversation after you were shot. You wanted to bounce back immediately then too. Then you got frustrated and disheartened when you couldn’t walk across your hospital room without getting winded.”

“But that didn’t stop me from trying.” 

“Yeah, I also seem to remember you passing out in the hallway because you were trying to do too much too soon and your body just couldn’t handle it. Scared me shitless that you were going to pop open stitches and have to be rushed back to surgery or something. Getting chewed out by your doctor for not stopping you wasn’t much fun either.”

“Did I ever apologize for that?” Jules asked quietly. She’d called him her rock earlier and the first time she’d ever realized it was in the days and weeks after she’d been shot. He’d spent as much time as he possibly could at the hospital, keeping her company, keeping her sane when the forced inactivity had threatened to be too much for her. She didn’t know how she would have gotten through that time without him, and yet, how had she repaid him? Even if ending things had seemed like the only thing she could have done at the time to save her job, she knew it had hurt him terribly. For a while, she’d been afraid she’d irreparably destroyed their friendship in the process.

“You never owed me an apology, not then and not now. I just wish I could make this all better for you the way you want it to be.”

“You can.” Jules looked up at him and cupped his face in her hands. Then, rising up on her tiptoes, she kissed him much the way he’d tried to kiss her earlier. Sam gave in to the kiss, realizing she needed it as much as he wanted it. When she finally pulled back, her eyes practically pleaded with him as she made her request. “Make love to me.”

His breath hitched in his throat at her plaintive request. It wasn’t the only part of his body that was reacting favorably. It had been much too long since he’d been able to make love to her the way he wanted to thanks to his injury. Now that he’d been cleared for duty by the doctor and had passed all the check-offs to resume work, nothing was standing in their way. It was what they both wanted, yet Sam felt almost guilty for wanting to give in to her request so quickly. The fear reflecting in her eyes when she’d pushed him away earlier had cut him to the quick. Was she really wanting more intimacy or was she saying it because she felt she had to prove something to herself? Right after the attack, he would have protested, insisting she wasn’t as ready for what she was asking for as she thought she was. It was part of his over protective nature that he knew he had to suppress if he didn’t want to unintentionally hurt her worse than she’d already been hurt. So he squelched his initial reaction. 

He refused to second guess her or himself. If she felt comfortable enough to make the request, he wasn’t going to say no. His hands trailed down to her waist, and he lifted her up so that she could wrap her legs around his waist. She didn’t protest that her weight was too much for him to carry up the stairs with his injured leg, and instead allowed her lips to once more find his. Her attention to his wound this past month had been more amusing than frustrating simply because all the fussing she was doing was exactly what she’d complained about him doing to her when she was the one injured. He wasn’t sure if her saying nothing now was due to the fact she had believed the doctor when he had cleared Sam or that she needed the close contact as much as he did.

He started up the stairs and yeah, his muscles around the stab wound twinged slightly. He ignored the pain just as he’d been ignoring it for the past week, not willing to let it change what he was doing. The one concession he made since he was holding the woman he loved at the same time was that one hand did stay on the banister for support while the other hand was firm against her back. Once they were on the landing, he started to turn toward their bedroom but Jules broke off her kisses and shook her head.

“Not there. Take me to the spare bedroom.”

The way he was holding her, her head was even with his and he could look straight at her into her eyes. Her brown eyes no longer held any of the fear, embarrassment, or anger he’d seen earlier, only an earnest pleading for him not to say no. Had it really been over two months earlier that she’d asked him in the back yard to help her overcome her bedroom fears and they had designated the spare bedroom as the place for that to happen? They hadn’t used it once since the night before Johnny had drugged and attacked her in the living room, and Sam hadn’t really expected the request tonight. 

“Jules, I know you feel like you have to prove something to yourself after what happened downstairs but you don’t. I want to make love to you so badly, but for tonight, it doesn’t have to be about anything else but me showing you how much I’ve missed you and need you.”

She chewed on her bottom lip for a moment, and he could tell she was formulating her answer carefully before responding. “Sam, I need this. Please. It’s not about my reaction earlier, not completely anyway. You told me in the car earlier you understood and would help me. Don’t change your mind now.”

_I wanted you to take me upstairs and make love to me like you’ve never been able to do before._ Blue eyes locked on brown and for several long seconds it was as if they’d both forgotten how to breathe. That was what she was thinking about during the ride home? He’d been so sure it was another renovation she was thinking about. Everything about her had screamed project. “I thought you were planning on ripping out cabinets or putting in a marble countertop or some project like that.”

She nodded. “Project Fix Jules, remember. It’s been on the back burner long enough.”

He untangled her legs from around his waist and set her down. He turned his back to her so he wouldn’t see the hurt in her eyes at what seemed like a rejection. He put his hands to his hips. “Jules, I told you when you first used that term that I didn’t like it. You aren’t some project; you could never be. I love you too much for that. I also told you that you don’t need fixing because you aren’t broken.”

Her own arms crossed at her chest and her eyes narrowed ever so slightly even though he wasn’t looking at her to see it. “Yeah, ‘cause I’m so freakin’ perfect, right? Damnit Sam, you know I want more for us and you promised to help me. What changed about that?”

Sam turned around to face her, his hand reaching out to cup the side of her face. “Nothing. It’s just the term I can’t stand. It makes me feel like you think you are so much less than you really are. It hurts me because I look at you and you take my breath away. Even after everything you’ve been through, you are still this strong, beautiful person who is so far from broken it makes me feel weak.”

Jules stepped closer to him. “Renovations aren’t always about fixing what’s broken. Sometimes it’s about taking something that’s okay and making it better. Like the dining room downstairs. You thought it looked just fine the way it was, but after I finished, you agreed it looked so much better, right?” He nodded. “That’s what I want for us. What we have is good, better than anything I’ve ever experienced, but I know it can be even more powerful. I want that for us; hell, I want that for myself. Is that so wrong?”

“No,” Sam admitted softly. “I’m not against helping you recover what you lost growing up…” 

She snorted derisively. “Can’t lose something you never had.”

He kissed the tip of her nose and amended his words. “What was taken from you before you could discover it for yourself, then. You were hurt in the worst possible way, Jules, by someone you should have been able to trust. For twenty years you lived with that pain and fear, unable to open up to anyone about it. The fact that you trusted me enough to let me in to that pain is so huge. You deserve to know and to experience what love can really be, and I want to be the one to help you with that. Just please, never refer to it as Project Fix Jules again. Please, for me?”

“Okay.” Jules agreed, snuggling into his arms again. “I won’t call it that again, but can we please try tonight? I’ve missed you so much and I want to make love to you.”

“We can do that in our own bed.” Sam reminded her. “I want to make love to you just as much, but I don’t want you to feel pressured into something you aren’t ready for just because you want to prove something to yourself.” Seeing she was about to protest, he added. “Jules, it is about proving it to yourself because you don’t have anything to prove to me. I’m going to make love to you tonight, no matter what unless you just tell me no. You decide where but make it about what you want, not what you feel you have to prove.”

She stepped back and took his hand in hers. She tugged it slightly pulling him toward the spare bedroom. “Tonight I need more, even if it’s just a baby step or two.”

He nodded and followed her into the spare bedroom. Closing the door behind them, he then pulled her close into his embrace. Her head tilted back and his lowered so they were once more kissing as if it could replace the need for breathing. He wanted to undress her, wanted to feel her bare body pressed against him, but he hesitated. He knew as a teenager she’d been forced to undress herself before her uncle assaulted her. After learning that, he’d made more of a point of not putting her in that position, not wanting to add to her stress. But two months earlier when Johnny had once more tried to have his way with her, she’d been drugged and powerless to fight back as her uncle had removed her clothes. He wasn’t sure which would be more likely to trigger a bad reaction, so he compromised. Taking her hands in his, he guided her own hands into slipping her top up and over her head before moving them down to the button on her jeans. 

She blushed ever so slightly and her smile was soft. He knew she realized what he was doing and took the smile to mean he’d made a good decision. He released her hands once her jeans were pooled at her feet. She kicked off her shoes and stepped out of her pants before reaching up to unbutton his shirt, unaided. Soon, they were both standing there in just their underwear. He skimmed his fingertips up and down the bare skin of her arms. She shivered in desire.

He lowered his head to rest it against her forehead. “Jules, what do you want me to do for you tonight?”

“I want you to make love to me like I was any other woman you’ve ever made love to.” She answered without hesitation.

He shook his head, not lifting it from her forehead in the process. “Not possible. No other woman I’ve ever made love to ever mattered as much as you do.”

“You know what I mean. I don’t want you to hold back because you are worried about my reaction. I want you to make love to me like nothing ever happened to me.” Jules protested. 

Again he shook his head. “There you go trying to run the marathon before you’ve completed a 5k. Baby steps remember. I’m not going to hurt you. It’s okay, Jules. We’ll take it as far as you are comfortable, but I’m not going further than that. Do you want me to tell you what I’m going to do before I do it?”

He’d tried both with her. While he wanted to give her the option to say no if it was something she didn’t want to try, he worried that the foreknowledge made her tense up too much. He wasn’t sure not telling her really made things easier for her though. 

“This started out as you being the patient experienced lover giving me that first time experience I missed out on.” Jules explained softly. “If I were that virgin making love for the first time, would you tell me what you were doing?”

He shook his head. “I’m more of the show rather than tell person.” He realized she was giving him the answer he was asking for. He kissed her softly. “I love you Jules. I won’t hurt you but if anything makes you uncomfortable, tell me. We don’t have to take it any further than what you are ready for.”

“Mmm. Sam, please make love to me.” 

While she pulled the covers back on the bed, he threw his gum away in the garbage can next to the bed. Then he lowered her on to the sheets before settling in next to her. He pulled her in close to him kissing her deeply. One hand was under her body holding her close to him as his other skimmed her neck and arm. His mouth left hers and blazed a trail down her cheek to her neck before settling on the spot on her clavicle that always drove her crazy. She whimpered in pleasure. His hand that had been roaming moved to her bra covered breast. This was territory that had for so long been taboo with her until they had first started working on her fears. So far in their limited attempts at this, him being able to touch her breasts, even going so far as to gently tease her nipples, was the best success they’d had. So much so that it wasn’t unusual for him to wake up to find that even in their sleep, she’d guided his hand there during the night. 

He recognized the change in her breathing and knew she was enjoying his touch. He lifted his head from kissing her neck to stare into her face. Her eyes were half closed and her mouth was parted just slightly. A flush of pleasure colored her cheeks. He kissed her cheek and then moved to her ear. He nipped at the lobe and then whispered. “Do you like that?”

She nodded and moaned in pleasure as he ever so gently pinched the nipple through the material. He was careful of the pressure he applied, knowing the reason she’d been so reluctant to have him touch her breasts had everything to do with the pain her uncle had caused her. He breathed into her ear and then gently tugged on her earlobe before continuing. “I can make you feel so much better. Would you like that?”

Again she nodded. “Please, Sam.”

The hand that had been holding her to him expertly unfastened the clasp on her bra, freeing her breasts from their confines. Pulling his hand from behind her, he pressed her back so that she was lying flat against the bed. He removed her bra completely, tossing it to the floor where the rest of their clothes were. Now his hand explored the newly uncovered skin as his mouth once more moved down her neck. 

As he kneaded the soft flesh tenderly, Jules’s arms came around his back, holding him close, her fingers pressing into his flesh as if she were worried that if she didn’t hold him tightly enough, he would disappear. While his left hand played with her right breast, he lifted his head from the spot on her neck and blew warm air over the neglected left breast. Leaning down, he tentatively licked the hardened nipple. She arched off the bed and one hand left his back to grip the sheets beneath her.

He glanced up at her, trying to gauge her reaction. Her expression, her eyes tightly shut and her lip caught tightly between her teeth, didn’t tell him if she’d liked it or not. “Jules, if it’s too much, just tell me.”

Her head twisted back and forth twice, indicating no but she said nothing. Trusting she’d speak up if it was too much, he lowered his head again, this time covering her nipple and as much of her breast as he could with his mouth. His tongue swirled around the area. He wanted her to know this pleasure, not because he’d often dreamed of what it would be like to make love to her breasts, but because he wanted her to know how arousing and wonderful it could be. He was careful not to let his teeth graze her sensitive skin, not wanting to hurt her or remind her of being bitten by Johnny. 

Her other hand left his back as she gripped the sheets with both hands. It was taking everything in her not to scream out for him to stop. He wasn’t hurting her; just the opposite, it felt so good. But her mind wouldn’t release the memory of the past or the fear of being hurt. She held her breath, reminding herself silently over and over again that Sam wouldn’t hurt her and that she should concentrate on how wonderful he felt but it was hard. She was afraid if she made the slightest noise or move, she’d give in to the fear and forget the pleasure. She refused to do that; she wasn’t going allow what happened to control her anymore. She trusted Sam; she wasn’t questioning that any more, wouldn’t hurt him by even thinking that she didn’t. Despite the fears and memories that threatened to overwhelm her, she’d work on reminding herself that she was strong enough to trust herself to be okay. 

After lavishing her left breast with attention, Sam sat up and looked at her, realizing she hadn’t moved or uttered a sound since he started. “Jules, sweetheart, breathe darling. It’s okay, if it’s too much, it’s okay.”

She released the breath she’d been holding and shook her head. “Don’t stop. Please.”

He wasn’t sure her body was in complete agreement with her words. She hadn’t pulled away. The last time he’d tried to kiss her breasts, the reaction had been immediate so he hadn’t been sure how she’d react this time. She wasn’t stopping him but he couldn’t tell if she was really enjoying the attention either. He shifted his body so he was almost on top of her, one leg settling between hers and the other on the outside her body, both supporting the majority of his weight. “Jules, why don’t you want me to stop?”

Tears formed behind her tightly shut eyes but she refused to let them spill. He wanted her to explain her plea? Didn’t he understand it was taking all of her control to stay in the moment? No, of course he didn’t because if he had an inkling of her thoughts, he would stop immediately for fear of hurting her. That was the kind of upstanding, sensitive man she was in love with. Besides, she didn’t understand her reactions herself, much less how to articulate them. How could she tell him how much she loved what he was doing but at the same time was scared to death? 

“Feels good. Please.”

He still wasn’t sure. He pressed his lower body into hers so that his clothed erection pressed into her also clothed sex. He wanted her to feel his arousal, wanted her to know how much he wanted her. He also wanted to gauge her readiness for him. Her panties were wet with desire, so he knew his attention was having a positive effect on her body. He just wasn’t sure it was having the same effect on her mind. 

“Jules, open your eyes, Baby. Let me see you.”

She shook her head. If she opened her eyes now, she wouldn’t have control over the traitorous tears. If he saw the tears, he would take it as proof he needed to stop but now more than ever she needed him to continue. “Please Sam. Want you.”

He reached the hand up that wasn’t touching her breast to touch her cheek. His thumb rubbed against her jaw line. “I want you too. So much. You feel so good. Your breasts are so perfect, just like the rest of you. I love kissing you there; I think you like it too but that doesn’t mean it’s completely easy. I know that Jules. You realize you’ve taken a pretty big step tonight just by letting me show you how good that can feel don‘t you? That wasn’t just a baby step but a huge gigantic leap. You know that, don’t you? It doesn’t have to go any further than that tonight and it won’t mean anything. I know you want me; I can feel how much. I can give you what you want. I want to give you that. Open your eyes, Baby, and tell me.”

If anything her eyes tightened shut even more. The leg that wasn’t trapped between his own lifted up to wrap around him, pulling him closer to her. “Sam. Please.”

Her plea didn’t tell him what he needed to know. He sighed, recognizing that maybe she didn’t know how to answer him. “Okay, Baby. If you want me inside you, we’ve got to shed the rest of our clothes. Is that what you want?”

She nodded, her butt raising off the bed just slightly and her hands releasing the sheets enough to start to remove her panties. He raised off her enough so that all his weight was on his knees. Then he stilled her hands and took over. Her leg released him enough to allow him to remove her panties and then his boxers before she once more pulled him to her. He slowly entered her, taking his time so he didn’t cause her any discomfort. Her tightly shut eyes relaxed and the corners of her mouth turned upwards.

“You like that?” He asked quietly starting to move inside her with gentle thrusts. She nodded, her hands were gripping the backs of his arms as her body moved in time to his. 

“Feel so good.” 

“Yes, you do.” Sam agreed, even though he knew that wasn’t quite what she meant. His lips captured hers in a searing kiss and he sank further into her. He kept only enough of his weight on his legs to keep from totally crushing her but allowed some of his weight to rest against her body pressing her further into the mattress. When the kiss ended, he moved to her ear, his breath warm against her as he spoke softly. “So nice and tight. I fit so perfectly inside you; like you were made just for me. I think you probably were. I’ve missed this so much, missed you even though you’ve been by my side every night. It was driving me crazy falling asleep with you in my arms and not be able to show you how much I love you.”

Her other leg wrapped around him as well, giving him even greater access as he increased his pace. He watched her face, pleased to see no trace of discomfort or fear on her features. Her eyes though remained closed, although not as tightly as before. 

“Jules, Sweetheart, open your eyes for me. I want to look into them as I make love to you. Please, let me see you.”

She didn’t want to open them no matter how much he begged. Didn’t want to take a chance than any of her fears might be lingering there to be interpreted the wrong way. But almost against her own will, her eyelids slowly opened. A couple of the tears she’d held at bay had lingered and now that they had been freed, slipped down her cheeks, as she had feared they would. Once again she held her breath, waiting for him to comment on them. Instead, he kissed them away. 

“That’s my girl. So beautiful and so strong. I love you so much.”

Her short trimmed nails dug in to his arms and her breathing quickened. In her limited experience, she’d never had a lover that could send her over the edge so completely the way Sam could. He was a giving lover who made her want to give just as much. Even the first time they’d made love, she’d wanted to give herself over completely to him. But wanting to do so and being able to do so were worlds apart. She couldn’t imagine letting down her guard with anyone else or even wanting to. 

“Sam, please…”

“Please, what Baby?” He peppered kisses along her jaw line. 

“More. Please.” What was it about this man that he could reduce her to not even being able to form full sentences? And when he looked at her with that cocky grin like he knew just how much he was driving her crazy, did he know how much more she wanted to melt into a pile of nothingness goo? 

“More what?” His manhood twitched inside her at her less than articulate request. He loved that he could do that for her because she did the same to him with just a look or with his name on her breath. He pulled almost completely out of her before easing back inside. “More of this?”

“No.” She shook her head but realized he might take it the wrong way. “Yes.” It still wasn’t really what she was asking for but embarrassment stole her words. She released one hand from its hold on her body and used it to guide it up to her breast. “This.”

Now his own breath caught in his throat. While he was starting to get used to her hand simply guiding his to her breasts, this was the first time she’d come close to asking for the touch. It was a big step for her and he wondered if she even realized it. He gently teased the flesh and feeling emboldened by her request, he lowered his head and once more closed his mouth over the nipple. 

Once more she arched off the bed and she gasped. He glanced up to see if it was a good gasp or bad, not wanting to remove his mouth from its prize until he knew for sure. He couldn’t tell by her face but felt the increase of wetness suddenly coating his manhood and knew he’d triggered a pleasurable response in her. It was a little awkward maintaining his rhythm while licking and suckling her breast, especially with their height differences but he was determined to give her this experience. 

_Walrus, walrus, walrus._ The word beat against her tightly shut teeth, begging to be released. She knew if she even breathed the word, he would stop what he was doing immediately but as much as the word was trying to pour out of her, it wasn’t what she wanted. She wanted what he was doing to her. It felt good, better than she had ever believed it could be. She knew he wouldn’t hurt her, knew she could trust him. Stopping him went against everything she’d begged of him to start with. She wasn’t going to be weak and give in to the sudden fear that threatened to consume her. She was through being her uncle’s victim and it was time she proved it to herself. The only thing she had to fear was the actual fear and in no other aspect of her life had she ever allowed fear to rule her. It was time she stopped letting it control her lovemaking as well. 

Memories of another mouth biting and tugging where Sam was currently lavishing with love threatened to overwhelm her. The two experiences were so different and she wasn’t sure which was going to win out in its conflict. The pleasurable sensations Sam was bringing out in her had her spiraling out of control but she couldn’t quite ignore that tiny voice screaming at her to stop things before she got hurt. 

She held her breath, afraid if she even tried to breathe regularly she’d scream out their code word in a moment of desperation even though it was the last thing she wanted. Her hands once more grasped the sheets tightly, so much so that her knuckles turned white with the exertion. Unwanted and unbidden tears, a mixture of the emotions coursing through her slid unnoticed down her cheeks. Just when she thought she couldn’t take any more, an orgasm more powerful than any she’d ever experienced washed over her. 

She screamed out his name as the word walrus banished itself from her thoughts. Now that she could breathe again, she couldn’t take in enough air and lay there gasping hard. Sam released her breast as he felt his own climax building. His own fists grasped the sheets above her shoulder as his body shook with pleasure. As he started down from his own pleasurable high, he pulled out of her and turned on his side, gathering her quivering, gasping body tightly in his arms. 

“It’s okay, Sweetheart, I’ve got you. Let it go. Just breathe. It’s okay.” He continued to whisper reassurances to her until at long last, the shaking subsiding and her breathing evened out. He thumbed away the last of the tears that had stormed past her defenses. Had he hurt her? Why hadn’t she stopped him? Why hadn’t he noticed that it was too much? “Jules, Baby, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed it.”

She shook her head, yawning drowsily. “I’m not. I faced my fears, Sam. As much as they wanted to overwhelm me, I didn’t let them. I didn’t let Johnny control me, and because I didn’t, I got to experience something totally incredible with you. I love you so much.”

He could feel her drift off to sleep, emotionally and physically spent. Her reaction, while powerful, worried him. How much distress had she hidden from him? He should have known that given what she’d said earlier, she was determined to push herself past her limits. He should have watched more carefully and realized it was too much. He looked down at her sleeping face; she looked more relaxed than he’d seen her in a while, and there was a lazy, satisfied smile lingering on her lips. A smile he’d managed to put there. Maybe it had been too much, but she obviously didn’t regret it so how could he?

He kissed her forehead and settled into a comfortable position. Tomorrow would be time enough to talk things through. She sighed contentedly in his arms, and he tightened his hold. “I love you too, Jules.”


	4. Chapter 4

_The scene was familiar, too familiar. An experience Jules had lived through and been forced to relive in her dreams for weeks now. She and Sam were in Rhonda’s apartment, the bound captives of her uncle. This time, however, Jules wasn’t wearing her full uniform and protective Kevlar. Her clothes had been stripped away leaving her exposed for everyone to see._

_And it seemed like everyone was there to see her. Rhonda’s lifeless eyes were fixed right on her. Sam, bleeding from stab wounds, had been propped up against the couch, his eyes taped open so he had no choice but to watch. Even the rest of Team One was there, gathered into the room like it was a party or a funeral instead of a crime scene. No one seemed to have a weapon except Johnny, who had the muzzle jammed against the side of her head with bruising force._

_His other arm was crashing her against him while his hand was pinching and abusing the flesh of first one breast and then the other. She wanted to fight back; hit, kick, scream, anything that would break her free from his grasp. But she knew if she did, the consequences would be worse for Sam. So she endured what he was doing to her knowing she could take whatever happened to her so long as Sam and their friends were okay._

_Her eyes scanned the room looking for anything that would end the standoff. Instead she found only the eyes of her teammates. Anger, disgust, and hatred were obvious in all of them, but she knew those emotions were directed at Johnny. She felt the same way. The pity that mixed in, however, cut her to the very quick. The pity was for her alone. She didn’t want their pity. Pity meant they knew she was helpless; that she was weak. Even if she was, she didn’t need Constable Callaghan to be seen as such. She’d worked too hard to secure her place at SRU to have it all come down like a house of cards._

_“Let them go, Dawson. This will only end badly for you.” Sarge warned, trying to negotiate; his voice the only weapon they had._

_Johnny only laughed. “Nobody can stop me. My sister couldn’t. Twenty years in jail couldn’t. Golden Boy was no match. The great illustrious Strategic Response Unit is no better. She’s mine. She’s always been mine.”_

_He leaned in close and began to whisper every dirty little thing he wanted to do to her. Almost against her will, her body started to shake and a sob threatened to burst forth from the depths of her soul. Her one solace was that no one else could hear what he was saying, didn’t know what he had planned. Although that only extended to his words as his roaming left little doubt as to what he wanted to do to her._

_No longer content with just fondling her battered breasts, his hand traveled lower only to disappear between her legs. The sob that had been just a threat released itself at the shock, pain, and humiliation of the intrusion. At her outcry, the men in her life that did more than just claim to love her, especially Sam, protested vehemently although they couldn’t move to help her. Another voice mixed in with theirs, a voice only she could hear, a voice that had been twenty years silent, a voice she’d longed to hear since the day it had been silenced._

_“Fight him, Julianna. You are stronger than he is; you always have been.”_

_Jules’s eyes darted around the room, looking for the source of her mother’s voice. Suddenly it wasn’t Rhonda lying there dead on the floor but her mother, but without the alcoholic influence. She wanted to beg her mom to get up, to rewrite history and live. She knew it couldn’t happen but it didn’t change the desire._

_Margaret Callaghan’s plea spurred her into action though, made her forget the potential consequences. Her hands were bound behind her back with flexi cuffs as were her feet but she still managed to ram her elbow into his solar plexus. As he bent double, his intrusive hand fell away and Jules gasped in relief to have it no longer pawing at her most sensitive region. He growled at her and shoved her forward, sending her to the ground._

_No one on the team moved as Johnny pounced on her prone figure. She thought he was going to shoot her but the gun seemed to have disappeared. His expression was contorted, ugly, as he shook his head._

_“Why fight me, JAC? You know you want this as much as I do. Why must you make it so difficult? You think these idiots don’t see it as well? Look at Golden Boy over there. I can see it in his eyes; he knows you’ve never been able to be a real lover to him and that you never will be because you belong to me.”_

_She shook her head. “No, that’s not true; it’s because you hurt me. Sam’s the one I love, the only one I want to experience all those things you kept me from having because you are sick.”_

_She tasted the blood in her mouth as he backhanded her. Then his fingers dug painfully into her jaw, forcing her mouth to stay open. With his other hand, he uncorked a small vial, one that was exactly like the one the rapist had tried to use on her the night she killed him. He poured the contents down her throat before tossing the empty bottle away._

_“I’ll show you. No one is going to stop me this time. Not you, not your mom, not Golden Boy, not those idiot Keystone Cops you call friends. You’ll be mine in every way I want you all while they watch. And when I’m through, you can watch me kill everyone else, staring with Golden Boy.”_

_She wanted to scream in protest, wanted to fight back, but her body was already betraying her. Her vocal cords, her muscles, everything was locked keeping her from doing anything. Once again she was a freaking blinking vegetable, only this time she couldn’t even blink._

_“Jules!” Sam called out to her desperately, but he sounded so far away. “Fight it, Sweetheart; it’s okay. You’re safe.”_

_Safe? The monster her grandmother had given birth to was about to rape her in front of so many people who mattered and he was telling her she was safe? As if it wasn’t bad enough that her body was betraying her, suddenly her lungs ceased to work as well. She couldn’t breathe no matter how desperately she tried._

_It was hard not to panic knowing the air currently occupying her lungs was all that she had left. Why hadn’t the rest of the team stepped in? Without the gun in play, they could have easily subdued one subject even without their own weapons. Maybe they were expecting her to do something. Maybe they were waiting for her to act in her own defense. After all, she was the one who had always insisted on carrying her own weight. She should be able to save herself. If only her damn body would cooperate._

_“Jules, Sweetheart, please take a breath. Come on, Sweetheart, just breathe.”_

_Easy for him to say. Didn’t he realize she couldn’t? Darkness nibbled at the edges of her consciousness. As much as she was loath to admit it, she welcomed it; at least if she lost consciousness, she wouldn’t have to know what vile things Johnny did to her. She wouldn’t have to see her friends watching as she endured her own personal hell. Maybe it was cowardly of her but for once she didn’t care. She couldn’t fight back, no matter how much she wanted to, and she hated the way that made her feel. She couldn’t save herself; Johnny was going to finally get what he wanted; then he was going to kill Sam. Death was preferable to what her life would be like if that were to happen._

_She willingly surrendered to the darkness even as Sam continued to call out her name._

\-- FP -- FP -- FP 

  
At first Sam wasn’t sure what had woken him. He’d been sleeping hard, having fallen asleep not long after Jules had drifted off in his arms. It took him several moments of blinking back the sleep and staring up at the ceiling to realize that Jules had cried out in fear and pain. He twisted onto his side so that he could check on her. It was obvious she was having a nightmare; unfortunately he’d gotten too accustomed to the signs. He was always torn as to whether it was better to let her sleep or to try to wake her up. If the nightmare appeared mild, he simply held her and whispered comforting words until she came out of the dream on her own. If it was a bad one, he would gently try to rouse her because he hated to see her suffer needlessly. From the rigid way she held herself, this could be the worst one yet.

Softly he called her name, not wanting to startle her but wanting to draw her away from the terror currently gripping her. Then she elbowed him in the chest. The jab hurt but not as much as the tortured look on Jules’s face. He couldn’t be sure how long she’d been caught in the grip of the nightmare but the sheen of sweat coating her body suggested it had either been a while or at least very intensive. 

Every instinct in him wanted to gather her in his arms and comfort her, but he didn’t know if that would just feed the nightmare rather than stop it. So instead, he kept his distance and his voice low and calming hoping it would reach some level of cognizant understanding within her. 

Her eyes flew open but he knew she wasn’t awake. He reached over and switched on a lamp and sat up beside her, brushing away her damp hair from her face. His concern turned to panic when he realized she had stopped breathing. He shook her almost roughly hoping to shock her back into breathing but it didn’t help. He couldn’t see any physical reason for the respiratory distress. His phone was on the floor with his clothes; should he get it and call 9-1-1? Or should he try mouth to mouth first?

He tried to open her mouth in order to breathe for her but her jaw seemed locked into position. He was sure the nightmare was to blame but he couldn’t be sure if she was holding her breath or if there was something else preventing her from taking in oxygen. Regardless, he hoped that if he could wake her up, she’d be fine. 

“Jules!” No longer did he try to make his voice low and comforting. Now it was sharp and almost a shout. “Fight it, Sweetheart; it’s okay. You’re safe.” 

His words had no effect but the lack of oxygen clearly was. Her lips pressed tightly together were taking on a bluish tinge. He had to do something or she would pass out. If that happened, he’d have to call for medical help. He knew if that happened, Sarge and Ed would learn about the nightmares and that Jules wouldn’t want that. He hoped she would forgive him.

Irrationally, memories from his childhood came to mind. Natalie had gone through a stage in her childhood where she threw horrible temper tantrums, complete with holding her breath. It never failed to get her what she wanted from the General, surprisingly enough, but it never worked with their mother. Mrs. Braddock would just look at Natalie and shrug. “Fine, hold your breath,” she’d tell her. “You’ll turn blue, pass out, and start breathing again. Problem solved.”

He knew what he was witnessing now wasn’t a temper tantrum; he had a feeling a Jules version of one would more closely resemble a bomb detonating. Still, he couldn’t help but wonder if what his mom had always warned Natalie really was true. If Jules passed out now, would it make her start breathing again? Or would whatever was holding her breath captive continue its assault? He couldn’t take the chance.

“Jules, Sweetheart, please take a breath. Come on, Sweetheart, just breathe.”

He gave her arms another vigorous shake. The coldness of her skin despite the fact that she was sweating worried him. His words weren’t reaching her and he knew if he got any rougher in his attempts to shake her awake that he would hurt her. She’d been hurt enough to last a lifeline; there was no way he was going to add to that. He slipped out of bed and raced to the bathroom without bothering to put on his boxers. He drenched a hand towel with cold water, calling out her name the whole time she was out of his sight. 

Without bothering to wring the towel out, Sam returned to the bed and sat down on the edge beside Jules. He let the cold water drip onto her face and when that didn’t seem to work, he squeezed the excess water from the towel directly over her.

Jules sputtered and began to cough. At the same time, her lungs tried to suck in desperately needed air. It just made her choke even more. She sat up, drawing her knees up to her chest, and leaned her head against them as she focused on her breathing.

Again Sam fought the urge to take her in his arms. He thought she was awake but he couldn’t be sure. He didn’t want to risk scaring her until he knew for sure she was aware of her surroundings. To curb his innate need to protect her even though there was no real danger lurking, Sam moved back around to his side of the bed and slipped on his boxers before sliding back in bed. Not wanting to abandon her completely, he lightly rubbed her back. 

For the second time that night, Jules was trying to catch her breath. Still breathing hard she twisted her head to glance over at Sam. “Where are we?”

“In the extra bedroom, remember?” Sam reminded her gently, not wanting to be alarmed that she didn’t seem to remember where they were. He hoped it was just a by-product of the dream and not a result of the lack of oxygen. He was 99% certain she hadn’t gone long enough without air to cause damage, however he’d never known her to be confused about her location. 

She nodded, still breathing hard. It wasn’t like she’d forgotten the incredible lovemaking she and Sam had shared. Far from it, parts of her body still tingled with the memory of his touch and the sensations he’d created in her, overshadowing anything that might have occurred in her dream. She attributed her momentary confusion to her mind being jumbled up, dream mixing with reality leaving her more than a little disoriented. Her chest hurt and she wondered how a nightmare could create such an intense reaction in her. She also couldn’t figure out how she’d gotten so wet.

She lifted her head off her knees and turned to look at Sam. “Did you pour water over me?”

He couldn’t help but grin a little sheepishly. “Sort of. You weren’t breathing and I didn’t know what to do. You really had me scared, Jules.”

Her pale face got even paler. She’d thought the not being able to breathe had just been in her dream, but apparently it had also manifested itself in reality as well. How was that even possible? She’d dealt with nightmares off and on for the past twenty years, more on for the past month than off. Never had one affected her physically other than the occasional need to empty her stomach afterward or not wanting to return to sleep. What had been so different about this one?

“Want to talk about it?” Sam probed gently though he knew the answer was going to be no. Every time he broached the subject of her nightmares lately, she put him off, claiming they weren’t worth discussing. 

She shook her head mutely. Finally her breathing seemed to be evening out but she could still feel her heart beating more rapidly than usual. She wasn’t sure if it was because of the direction the dream had taken or because of the effect the dream had had on her breathing. Talk about it? She didn’t even want to think about it any more than she had to. 

Sam frowned. He’d known she would say no just like she always did. In fact, he‘d stopped asking her about them, not because he didn‘t care but because he didn’t want to make things worse for her. He knew she didn’t like discussing what was bothering her any more than he did. Because of that most of the time he was okay to let things go, but tonight was different. Tonight had scared the shit out of him, and could have had disastrous consequences for her. Whether she wanted to talk about the details of the dream itself or not, they at least had to talk about the fact that she was having such horrific ones that it affected her breathing. 

He sighed; the last thing he wanted to do was start an argument, but he couldn’t ignore his fears anymore. “Jules, I don’t want to push you into something you don’t want to do. You know I don’t, but these nightmares seem to be getting worse not better. I’m worried about you.”

Once again she buried her face against her raised legs. “I’m fine. No need to worry.”

His fingers which had been lightly skimming up and down her back stilled. “Yeah, no need to worry. Your lips turning blue from the lack of oxygen is perfectly normal.”

Though the words said otherwise, he wasn’t being sarcastic. He didn’t sound angry. There was nothing in his tone but stark honesty and raw emotion. 

“One time, Sam. I’m sorry I scared you and trust me, I’m grateful that you were here and that you woke me up. Still, no need to make it bigger than it was.”

The urge to hold her could no longer be denied. He slid one hand under her raised knees and the other went behind her back and drew her to him, cradling her against his chest as he leaned against the headboard. He tilted her head up so she was looking at him. “Trust me, one time of seeing you not able to breathe was one time too many. Worse than seeing you trapped in that room filled with anthrax and not being able to get to you. Worse than once I was able to go in having to pass you by and go for the injured civilian when you were the one I really wanted to carry out of that lab. Tonight I didn’t know why you weren’t breathing or what to do to help. I felt so damn helpless.”

“Do you think I wanted to scare you?” There was a hint of accusation and anger in Jules’s voice. 

Sam shook his head. “No, of course I don’t. If you want to know the truth, I think it scared you just as badly as it scared me. It’s not just this one, Jules, although I hope like hell you never have one that bad again. I can tell the nightmares are getting to you even though you try not to let it show. I’m concerned about you; I hate to see you suffering. After talking to Donna today, I’m even more concerned.”

Jules frowned. “What does Donna have to do with it?”

Sam let his fingertips skim up and down against her arm. “Donna asked about you. Said she’d noticed that you looked like you hadn’t been sleeping well. If she’s picked up on it, then you know it’s only a matter of time before Sarge notices as well. Hell, maybe he has already and just hasn’t said anything until he has too.”

He felt her stiffen in his arms. He didn’t release his hold on her although she would if made a move away from him. “It’s no big deal, Sam. So I’ve had a few nightmares; why are you making it a federal case? It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

He wasn’t going to argue with her, not now with the dream so fresh in her mind and with his own emotions so raw. If he pressed the issue too much, she’d dig her heels in and he’d never be able to convince her of anything. He leaned down and kissed her softly. “Jules, I’m sure you can handle it but you shouldn’t have to. If I had my way, I’d make sure you never had a restless night and that all your dreams were good ones. I can’t do that though, no matter how much I might want to. I just want to make things easier. Is that so wrong?”

She sighed. “No, not wrong, just not necessary. I‘ve dealt with dreams for years just fine and this is no exception. Don‘t make it bigger than it is.”

He didn’t agree but didn’t say so. “It’s late and even if we don’t have to get up early in the morning, we should still try to get some sleep. Since I soaked your side of the bed, how about we head down the hall to our bed?”

She nodded and kissed him before leaving his arms. She slipped on her panties and shirt; she’d never been one for just walking around in the nude and since being attacked in her own home, she was even more reluctant to do so. He followed her down the hall, scooping up the rest of their clothes as he passed them. He set them in a chair as they entered their bedroom. Once his hands were free, he took her in his arms again.

“I love you. I know you don’t want me worrying about you but I can’t help it. I just want to make this better for you.”

She practically melted against him. “Sam, you do make things better, more than you could even know. There’s no reason for you to worry though. If I haven’t been sleeping as well lately, it’s probably because I’ve been just as worried about you. Now that you are back at work and everything is better, things will settle down. I’m sure of it. Okay? No need to stress out over things, okay?”

He wasn’t as sure as she was but knew it wouldn’t do him any good to argue the point right then. “Okay, we’ll see. Promise me though, if things don’t improve you’ll at least think about talking to someone. Okay?”

She shrugged, neither agreeing nor disagreeing. “It‘s not going to be necessary. I know it’s late but I think I’m going to take a shower before trying to go back to sleep. I’m sure it’ll relax me enough that I’ll sleep just fine.”

Sam nodded. “Sounds like a good idea. Want me to fix you something to drink while you do that? Maybe warm milk or hot chocolate?”

She chewed on her bottom lip. “Actually, there‘s something I would like even better.“ 

Sam cupped the sides of her face, his thumbs trailing up and down her jaw line. “Name it.”

“Join me in the shower.” She breathed her request more than spoke it. She saw a hint of doubt in Sam’s eyes and knew he was worried, the way he always worried, about pushing too much too soon. “I’m fine, okay. It’s not like I’m rattled and I need someone right beside me while I take a shower because I’m scared someone’s going to jump out and attack me or something. I’m not asking because I’m expecting some slow steamy seduction in the shower to wipe away any bad memories with incredibly amazing ones instead. I’m asking you to join me not because I need you but because I want you. I want to feel your arms around me.”

He nodded and started backing her slowly toward the bathroom. In a few minutes, their clothes were once more in a pile on the floor and Sam was adjusting the temperature of the water. He liked a nice hot shower but Jules preferred the temperature just below scalding, always had but for the past two months her need for the water to be as hot as she could stand it had increased. He’d tried bumping the thermostat on the hot water heater down a few degrees but she’d figured it out pretty quickly and set it back. He was just glad that there was a safety feature built in that prevented it from actually going above 57 degrees. 

They stepped into the shower and the spray hit him like a thousand hot stinging needles so he hoped it was hot enough for her. He could stand it if it helped her relax and get the sleep she needed. He pulled her close and kissed her as the water cascaded over them. He turned her so that the majority of the hot water was hitting her and then reached for her loofah. He poured some body wash onto it and began to run it lightly over her body. This wasn’t just a shower but there also wasn’t anything overtly sexual about it either apart from the kisses he kept plying her with. He knew her body well. Knew where to touch her and how much pressure to apply to work out the kinks and turn her almost to putty in his arms. Slowly he could feel the tension easing out her as if he had scrubbed it away. 

He wished he could scrub away the dreams and the memories just as easily. She was tough; he didn’t know anyone else who could go through everything she’d been through and not be an emotional mess. He also knew that no matter how tough she was, the attacks and being held captive were weighing on her, and he hated that. If there were a way he could erase everything bad that had ever happened to her, he would. He couldn’t, but at least for now, in this moment, he could give her what she needed. He could be there for her and do everything in his power to help her relax so that the rest of the night she didn’t have to worry about anything bothering her.

He knew he’d been at least partially successful as her arms circled his neck and her head rested on his chest. When he heard her sigh contentedly, he set the loofah aside and made sure the soap had been washed away. Turning off the water, he stepped out of the shower, almost carrying her. He toweled them both off and picked her up bodily in his arms. He carried her to the bed and gently set her down. 

She pulled him close and kissed him, her legs wrapping around him so that he was pressed flush against her. He held her like that for a moment and then pulled away. Her invitation was clear and he felt like an idiot for not accepting. 

“Turn over on your stomach.” His voice was almost husky as he spoke. 

Jules complied but glanced up at him in confusion. He laid down beside her and brushed her towel dried hair off her shoulders and kissed her shoulder blade. “You said this wasn’t about seduction but relaxation. Let me help you really relax. Let me do that for you.”

She nodded, her arms wrapped around the pillow. Sam began to massage her back. He’d discovered almost by accident how much she liked a good massage and how well her body relaxed and responded to his touch. Without a hint of conceit, he knew he could send her over the edge much the way he had earlier in the evening. He also knew how to work out all the painful kinks her muscles could work themselves into after a long hard day on shift. This massage wasn’t about either. The pressure he exerted on her back was about neither. 

He started at her neck, his thumbs exerting just enough pressure to be felt. In a matter of minutes she was once more putty in his hands. Just like in the shower, he could feel the tension leaving her body as he touched her. She sighed contentedly and her eyeslids closed only to open again. Sam smiled as he watched her slow surrender to sleep. 

He leaned down and brushed a kiss against her shoulder blade. The corners of her lips turned upward and she murmured something sleepily that he didn’t quite catch. He continued his slow gentle massage for another ten minutes until he was sure she was sound asleep. Then he slid down in the bed and gathered her close to him. His own sleep wouldn’t come as easily and he knew it. 

The concerns he’d tried to deny that morning when talking to Donna had increased tenfold after witnessing the latest nightmare. She had blamed the increase of dreams on her worry over him and that it would get better now that he was better and back at work. He wished he truly believed that but he couldn’t help but worry. He really felt like she needed help, more help than he could give her. The problem was how to convince her without completely upsetting her.

He continued to lay there trying to think of a solution for the better part of an hour before he finally gave in to his own exhaustion. As he drifted off to sleep, he was no closer to an answer.


	5. Chapter 5

“I hate you, Sam.” 

Sam nodded at Jules’s words. He hadn’t needed to hear them to know what she was thinking. Her body language had clearly been saying it since she’d realized their destination. He’d anticipated her reaction and had carefully considered whether it was worth it before he’d made his plans. He hated upsetting her but he hated what she was going through even more.

A week had passed since he’d returned to work, a week since she’d stopped breathing due to the nightmare she’d had. A week in which everything had been back to a normal routine. He’d been back at work without a problem and things there had been perfectly ordinary. Unfortunately, Jules’s nightmares hadn’t seemed to lessen any. Sure, she’d tried to hide the fact that she was still having them; but she had scared him so badly with the one the night she stopped breathing that he‘d been almost too scared to go to sleep himself. He hadn‘t had a good night’s sleep since that night so he was well aware of what she was going through each night. While she hadn’t had any as drastic as that one, he now realized just how much her dreams were taking over her sleep. He didn’t think she even knew how much. 

So, the day before, knowing they had today off, Sam had made a phone call and set up an appointment with Dr. Luria for her. Then knowing she’d never willingly agree to what he’d done, for possibly the first time ever, Sam lied to Jules. He’d told her he had a doctor’s appointment and wanted her to come with him. She hadn’t suspected anything until they were standing outside Luria‘s office. When she had realized she’d been duped, he’d thought she was going to turn straight around and leave without ever stepping foot in the office. 

She might have anyway, but before she could make a move, he’d put both hands on her shoulders trapping her between himself and the wall. “Please, Jules, I know this isn’t what you want but I didn’t know what else to do. I’m worried about you. It’s killing me knowing you’re having to battle those dreams every night and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. Well, this is my way of trying to do something. Please, all I’m asking is that you talk to her this once. Maybe she can make some suggestions that will help them go away.”

Jules had rolled her eyes. “Yeah, right.”

He didn’t want to bully her into this but he was too tired and knew that she was too stubborn to do this nicely. “Jules, I’ve tried to wait it out but it’s not going away. You don’t really want me to have to go to Sarge about it, do you? Because if we both don’t start getting real sleep soon, it’s going to come to that.”

Her eyes had narrowed and she’d relented but he knew she wasn’t happy about it. That was how they’d come to be sitting in the waiting room where Jules had made her hurtful proclamation. 

He sighed and leaned his head back, closing his eyes for a moment. “Fine, you hate me. Do you foresee this as being a permanent hatred or just until you get over being mad at me?” She didn’t answer but he could feel her glare even through his closed eyes. He opened them and turned to look at her. “Seriously Jules, just talk to her this once; if it doesn’t help, then I won’t pressure you about coming back. I know you’re mad at me and yeah, I’d probably be just as mad if the situation was reversed and you made an appointment behind my back. Mad as I’d be though, I would like to think that I would understand you wouldn’t do such a thing unless you truly believed it was best for me.”

He reached out and touched her cheek, brushing his thumb along her jaw line. “Jules, I’m not trying to hurt you. I just feel like I’m in over my head; I feel like you are too. You can’t tell me the nightmares aren’t wearing you down. I can see it in your eyes every morning when you once again don’t get a good night’s sleep. I’ve watched the way your body reacts when you’re dreaming. I feel so damn helpless every night. I’m scared that if I fall too deeply asleep you might have a dream so bad that you stop breathing again and I won’t be able to save you. I know you don’t want me hovering and that you hate me feeling like I need to save you but I can’t change how I feel. You mean too much to me for me not to worry.”

Her shoulders slumped and he knew he was getting through to her. She picked absently at invisible lint on her jeans. “I don’t mean to make things worse for you. It’s not like I want to have these nightmares but I don’t see how talking to Luria is going to change things. I don’t even want to tell you about them, and I trust you more than I trust anyone.”

Sam slipped an arm around her shoulders, pulled her closer, and kissed the side of her head. “Aw geez, Jules, I know that. Maybe talking to Luria won’t help but we won’t know if you don’t give it a try. The last thing I want to do is make you relive things you don’t want to talk about. If I had a better plan, I’d try it but I don’t. So please, if you can’t do this for yourself, do it for me.”

Jules frowned. She’d almost rather he continue to threaten to talk to Sarge. Then she could maintain her anger at him. Was he even aware the effect his emotional blackmail had on her? It wasn’t that she felt like she owed him for all he’d done for her, for being there. That wasn’t what their relationship was about. It was more that, as much as he hated to see her suffering, she felt the same way about him. If her dreams were only affecting her, she’d deal with them in her own way and in her own time. Listening to him, listening to the pain in his voice as he described his worry, she knew they were affecting him just as much. She didn’t want to hurt him. She sighed.

“One visit?”

He nodded. “One visit. And when you are finished, I’ll take you anywhere you want to go for lunch and then we’ll do whatever you want to do for the rest of the afternoon.”

He could tell she was considering it. She shrugged lightly. “The DIY store is having a sale today.”

Letting Jules loose in the DIY store was similar to letting a child loose in a toy store or Spike loose in an electronics store. Sam grinned. “I’ll even hold your purse if you want to try on fixtures or something.”

She punched his arm lightly. “Stop it. I’m still mad at you.”

Amanda Luria cleared her throat. She’d been standing at the receptionist’s desk waiting to call Jules back, but hadn’t wanted to interrupt what appeared to be a very serious discussion. The tension seemed to have eased and she felt it was an appropriate time to announce her presence. “Jules, you can come back now.”

Almost immediately Sam felt Jules tense up again. She stood and stiffly followed Luria to the back. As he watched her go, Sam wished, not for the first time in the last month, that Dawson was still alive so he could beat the man to a bloody pulp for everything he’d done to Jules. There was nothing Sam could even imagine doing to Dawson that would even come close be being enough to make up for even an ounce of the misery he’d caused Jules. 

Jules followed Dr. Luria down the short hallway to the office. The psychologist studied the younger woman carefully as Jules entered. In her years of experience, she’d learned you could tell just as much if not more about a person’s condition from their body language as from the information he or she disclosed. And her observations now were telling her that this would not be an easy hour. Not that a session with Jules Callaghan ever was. 

The past few times she’d met with Jules, in the immediate aftermath of the younger woman being held hostage and having her hostage takers killed right in front of her and Sam injured, the SRU officer had almost defiantly strode into the office and plopped down on the couch as if daring Luria to think anything was wrong. In those sessions, Jules had only shared as much as she’d had to in order to fulfill the mandatory sessions but Luria had sensed there were deeper issues that needed to be dealt with. Maybe now they would get to the heart of the matter.

“You can have a seat, you know.” Luria reminded her as she closed the office door and took her own seat in a comfortable chair that was positioned next to the coffee table, couch, and matching chair. Her own demeanor was calm and relaxed with the hope that it would help calm and relax Jules as well.

“I’d rather stand if that’s okay.” There was a hard edge to Jules’s voice, further indicating that she wasn’t happy to be here.

Luria nodded. “That’s fine. Whatever makes you more comfortable. Sam looks good. Has he returned to full duty yet?”

Jules nodded and Luria was pretty sure she saw just a bit of tension leave her body. Luria hid her smile as she tucked that little nugget of information away for further consideration. Sam was Jules’s soft spot. Luria waited to see if Jules would elaborate. The silence continued for a few seconds more before Jules continued. “About a week now.”

“What brings you here today?” Sometimes she waited and let the patient reveal their reasons for a sudden visit on their own, but she knew from experience that she’d be waiting all day if she left it up to Jules. 

Jules turned to look at her, her arms folded across her chest. “I didn’t make this appointment. Sam did. I only agreed to stay because it was important to him.”

“So what did Sam see that made him think you needed to see me? He wouldn’t have made the appointment unless he really thought you needed it. And no matter how much you love him, you wouldn’t have agreed to stay if you were totally against it.”

Jules’s eyes narrowed and her arms crossed over her chest. “I don’t have PTSD.”

“Okay.” Luria watched her carefully. “What brings you to that diagnosis?”

She wasn’t being flip. As a profiler, Jules had to be able to look at a subject and make sound judgments about the person’s mental state. Jules looked at her for a moment and then settled into the corner of the couch furthest away from Luria. 

“First of all, time. It’s just been a month since that day in the apartment; it’s really too soon to even think in terms of PTSD.”

Luria nodded. “True, but Acute Stress Disorder could still be a factor in the meantime. And it‘s not like you don‘t have other traumatic events that could contribute to the condition that happened way more than a month ago.”

Jules took a deep breath; did she really want to reveal how much research she had done to reassure herself that she wasn’t dealing with post traumatic stress disorder? “There are three areas of concern when diagnosing PTSD. Re-experiencing the event, avoidance, and increased arousal. A person has to be affected in all three areas for more than a month to be diagnosed.”

Luria nodded. “And you haven’t had all three?”

“I don’t avoid places.” When she first learned that Johnny had found an apartment down the hall from Sam’s apartment, she’d been insistent on leaving and reluctant to going back to the building. However, in the month since Sam had been hurt, she had been the one to insist they visit Spike and Nat at the apartment several times. As far as avoiding things that would remind her, wasn’t she the one insisting on Sam breaking through her fears of certain intimate contact? “I also haven’t had any instances of hyper-vigilance or angry outbursts that I wouldn’t have had before.” She fell silent again. Her chin was jutted out as if daring Luria to contradict her.

“But you have been reliving the experience, I take it.” It wasn’t a question. Her silence on that area had made it obvious. “How? Flashbacks? Dreams?” Jules squirmed slightly at the mention of dreams. “How bad are the dreams, Jules? How often?”

Jules remained silent. She’d told Sam she would give it a try but he didn’t understand that talking about them was just as bad as having them in the first place. _She didn’t ask for a recounting of them, Jules. Quit avoiding the questions._ She sighed. “Some worse than others. Every night, sometimes several a night.”

“Do they wake you up? If so, how long does it take you to get back to sleep?”

Jules squirmed uncomfortable. “I don’t always fully wake up if it’s not that bad, just enough to stop the dream. If I do wake up, it sometimes takes me a little while to get back to sleep.” She didn’t add that a little while usually meant hours or not at all. “It’s no big deal though. I’ve dealt with nightmares for twenty years. Sam’s just blowing this out of proportion.”

Luria’s face gave no indication to her thoughts. It bugged Jules slightly although she knew that she and Greg could wear the same impassive expression when dealing with a subject. Finally the psychologist spoke. “Jules, I think I know you and Sam pretty well. Neither one of you is prone to blowing things out of proportion. So what’s different about these nightmares that’s got Sam worried?”

“Have you ever had a physical reaction to a dream?” Jules didn’t answer the question but posed one of her own.

“Sure, I think we probably all have. I’ve woken up sweating from a dream that scared me. I’ve even woken up with sore leg muscles when I’ve dreamed I was running a race or something like that. Is that what you mean?”

Jules shrugged. “I’ve had that as well, no big deal. I’m talking about something more.”

Luria raised an eyebrow. “I think you’re going to have to elaborate a little.”

Jules blew out her breath through her mouth. “A week ago I dreamed Johnny drugged me again with that paralyzing drug. Only in my dream he gave me too much and I stopped breathing. I thought it was just a dream thing even though it felt so real, but when Sam woke me up, he said I wasn’t breathing. It pretty much freaked him out and he thinks it’s going to happen again so he set me up to come here.”

Luria frowned; she could see why that would upset Sam or anyone. Yet Jules seemed almost nonchalant about it. “It didn’t scare you?”

“At the time, hell yeah. But it’s not like I’m freaking out that it’s going to happen again. I’m fine.”

“Then why are you here? I know it was Sam who made the appointment for you, but you came back here with me. It wouldn’t have been the first time you didn’t show for an appointment. What’s different this time?” 

Jules could see why Luria was good at her job. There was no recrimination in the woman’s voice, only a calm statement of the facts. She shrugged. “It was important to Sam that I talk to you at least once. Sam doesn’t ask me for much, so why not? It’s just an hour of my time gone. And it’s not exactly a waste of your time because you get paid regardless of whether you can help me or not. So what‘s the harm?”

“And you don’t think I can help you?” Again no hint of offense being taken came out in her words. 

“I don’t think I need help. There’s just been a lot of stuff going on, that’s all. It’s stupid really.” Jules pushed off the couch and began a slow pace around the office. 

Luria didn’t question the sudden movement. She knew that Jules could remain still if she had to-- she couldn’t be a good sniper otherwise, but she had quickly learned from the few times she’d actually gotten Jules to meet with her that Jules handled her discomfort by moving. If pacing around the office helped her to cope, then it didn’t bother her. “What’s stupid, Jules?”

Jules stopped mid pace and looked at her. She frowned and then resumed her pacing. “The dreams themselves. I wasn’t even hurt that night, not really, not compared to Sam. Why should the nightmares be worse now than they were after the times I actually was hurt?”

“What happens in the dreams?”

Jules’s eyes narrowed and she refused to look at the psychologist. She’d been expecting and dreading that very question since she’d realized where Sam had taken her. She didn’t want to talk about the images her subconscious threw at her night after night, not with Sam, not with her friends, and certainly not with Luria. She glanced at her watch. “Isn’t my hour just about up?”

“You still have about forty-five minutes left. You wouldn’t be trying to avoid talking about your dreams would you?”

The glare that Jules shot towards Luria was one that had made many a grown man quake in his boots but didn’t seem to faze the psychologist at all. Jules was staring to regret promising Sam that she’d do this. Luria knew exactly how to get to her, how to prod her into talking whether she wanted to or not. “I dream about that night in Rhonda’s apartment. Sometimes exact memories and sometimes what could have happened.”

Luria nodded. That was consistent with Jules admitting that she was reliving the experience. “I take it the ‘what could have happened’s are worse than what really did. That’s not unusual, Jules, but you know that. I’m sure there have been hot calls that turn out right that later turn incredibly wrong in your dreams as well. For all of you. Our brains need to process the experience and it’s not always pleasant. That you are having dreams doesn’t concern me. The frequency and intensity of them, however, does.”

Jules stopped her pacing at the window and stared out the busy street below. “I told you; I’ll be fine. If it’s happening more frequently than other dreams, is it any wonder? I mean this was a big deal. Three people died that day and Sam could have easily been a fourth.”

“And you feel to blame for that?”

Jules stiffened. Did she? If she’d aimed a little better twenty years ago, if she’d told what he’d done to her back then, if she’d fought a little harder against the drug to actually have seen that it was Johnny who attacked her in the living room, if she’d gone in with Sam to check on Rhonda, if she’d just done some one thing differently, could she have prevented at least some of what had happened that day? She shook her head. She wasn’t going there. She couldn’t change the past and she wasn’t going to beat herself up over what didn’t happen. “Johnny’s to blame. I was just a kid when he hurt me and I was scared. When he came back a couple of months ago, I did as much as I could possibly do. I’m not going to blame myself for things I couldn’t control.”

Luria smiled, wondering if that was the first time Jules had allowed herself to voice that she wasn’t to blame. “You’re right; you didn’t ask for any of what happened. Not to you, not to Rhonda, not to Sam, not even to your uncle or Miathis. None of it was your fault. Still, it seems like there’s something about that night that your mind doesn’t want to let go of. Until we discover what that is and work through it, the dreams will keep recurring.”

Jules shuddered just a little. “So what, I sit here and tell you ever detail of every dream I’ve had for the past month and you psychoanalyze it? Awesome, can we have popcorn to go along with story time?”

“I don’t think we have to go through every detail, and I think you have the answer more than I ever could. I’m betting that even if every dream is different, there are still some reoccurring themes that run through each of them. We discover those, talk about what it is about those things that trouble you, we’ll get answers. I bet you even already know what it is without thinking about it.”

“Sam’s hurt in all of them.” Jules blurted out suddenly. “Not just like he was in reality but Johnny threatens to kill him or hurt him worse or I don’t know.”

“And that scares you worse than you getting hurt. Jules, there’s no denying Sam is important to you. In the time the two of you have been together, has he ever been hurt? Really hurt, not banged up.”

Jules shook her head. “No, nothing that Mr. Stubborn would allow himself to be hospitalized over.”

It took everything in Luria not to laugh out loud at Jules’s description. Talk about your pot calling kettle moments; Jules had to be one of the most stubborn of all the Team One members. “So, this was the first time you had to really worry about losing Sam. It probably didn’t help that it really wasn’t job related even if the job became involved.”

Jules turned to face Luria, her back leaning against the wall. “Sam’s okay now though. He’s fully recovered and even back at work. If I’m so worried about what could have been, shouldn’t that ease off now that things are returning to normal?”

“Maybe. Sometimes our subconscious fears take a little longer than reality to work out. Recognizing what’s going on might help. Have you talked to anyone about how you really felt that day? I know you did your required sessions with me but we both know you pretty well glossed over them just to be finished. Maybe talking to Sam would help.”

Jules snorted. “Yeah, right. Sam feels like he let me down. It’s stupid cause there’s no way he could ever do that but I know he does. He thinks if Johnny hadn’t gotten the drop on him, things would have turned out differently and I wouldn’t have been put in danger. If I tell him that worrying about what could have happened has anything to do with my nightmares, it’ll just add to that. I’m not going to do that.”

“Even if it’ll help you both?” Luria watched her carefully. “Seriously Jules, Sam loves you as much as you love him. Do you think seeing you suffer from these nightmares is any easier on him? If, like you think, he’s blaming himself for what happened, what do you think it’s doing to him to see you suffering those nightmares every night and not knowing what’s causing them or how to help you? What if talking to him actually helps you both?”

Turning around so she could once more stare out of the window, Jules considered what Luria had said. She knew Sam would do anything for her just as she would do anything for him. She’d managed to confide in Sam more about her past than she’d ever been able to talk to anyone about, more than she ever thought she’d talk to anyone. How much harder could this be? “You make it sound so easy. Have a simple conversation and bye-bye nightmares.”

“Nothing easy about it and certainly not simple. However I think it’s the first step. It might not even be the only thing causing the dreams but it’s a start. Jules, I know talking about your feelings doesn’t come easy for you. Lack of really good sleep isn’t going to make that any easier. I have a suggestion that might help.”

“You got a miracle cure or something?” Sarcasm practically dripped off Jules’s statement.

“Sort of.” Luria admitted. “I’m a psychologist not a psychiatrist so I can’t write prescriptions. My partner Dr. Shuller, however, can.”

“I’m not taking sleeping pills.” Jules interrupted, her tone not open for argument.

“I wasn’t going to suggest sleeping pills. Actually, studies show that they can make nightmares worse in some cases. I had something different in mind. There’s a drug called Prazosin that’s been very successful in treating nightmares in PTSD patients…”

“I told you I don’t have PTSD.” Jules interrupted once again, reminding her sharply. 

Luria didn‘t seem flustered at all by Jules‘s outburst. “I know you did, and I’m inclined to agree with you for now. You are suffering from severe nightmares, though. Bad enough to interrupt your sleeping on a consistent basis -- yours and Sam’s. The two of you can’t keep losing sleep the way you have been; how many times has lack of sleep been a contributing factor to a subject reaching his or her breaking point because their cognitive ability is diminished? SRU is a stressful job and the two of you need to be at your best or people could get hurt. The Prazosin could help you get that sleep you need. If you are able to sleep without being interrupted by nightmares, then Sam would also be able to get the sleep he needs.”

Jules left her spot near the window and returned to the couch. “Let’s say I agree to try this drug; what happens when I stop taking it? Won’t the dreams just come back? There’s got to be some drawback to it or everyone who ever had a nightmare would be taking it.”

Luria realized she should have expected Jules’s skepticism. “It’s possible the nightmares could come back but not as likely if you’ve worked on the reasons why you are having the dreams in the first place. I won’t lie to you, Jules. Taking the Prazosin isn’t a cure-all but it could help. I wouldn’t recommend it if I didn’t think so.”

“No thanks.” Jules shook her head. “Maybe I do need to sleep better but I’d rather do that without the help of drugs.”

The doctor couldn’t say she was surprised by Jules’s reaction. “Fine, it was a suggestion, but if you change your mind, let me know and I’ll talk to Dr. Shuller. I could suggest a few things you could try in lieu of medication that might help reduce the frequency of the nightmares. They wouldn’t be a cure-all, not any more than the Prazosin would have been, but it might help you get some quality sleep. Nothing however is going to change the fact that you and Sam have to have a serious talk about what’s really bothering you. How about it?”

Jules nodded. “Yeah, that I think I could handle.”

Fifteen minutes later, armed with techniques to reduce stress and induce a restful night’s sleep, Jules stepped out of Luria’s office. Just as she had the other times Jules had left her office, Luria reminded her that she was available if Jules needed to talk, no matter what time of day it was. Jules nodded absently, though it wasn’t in her plans to make another appointment any time soon. 

Sam was still on the couch where she’d left him. His head was reclined back against the top of the couch with his eyes closed. Soft snores drifted over from his place on the couch. If Jules had needed evidence just how much he was being affected by her dreams, this was it. He only snored when he was extremely tired. 

“He fell asleep not long after you went back,” the receptionist explained. “I didn’t have the heart to wake him.”

Jules didn’t want to wake him now either. Just how much sleep had he been sacrificing because he’d been so worried about her? As much as she would have liked to let him sleep as long as he needed to, she knew that couch couldn’t be that comfortable. She sat down beside him and kissed him softly after quietly saying his name. Immediately his arms wrapped around her pulling her closer and he traded her simple peck for a slightly more insistent one. 

“Does this mean you don’t hate me anymore?”


	6. Chapter 6

“Pancakes.”

Sam glanced over at Jules as they made their way out of the medical tower and headed toward the parking lot. Despite the kiss she’d given him when she’d woken him up in Luria’s office that suggested that maybe she’d forgiven him, she hadn’t spoken since then. He hadn’t pressed her, realizing she was probably processing everything that had happened during her session with the psychologist. Her sudden one word comment now took him by surprise.

“Excuse me?”

“Pancakes. You said after Luria finished with me, we’d go to lunch. Any place I wanted, I believe was the promise. I want pancakes. Doesn’t the diner we go to after a late night shift serve breakfast all day?”

Sam nodded. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure it does.” He waited a couple of heartbeats, trying to study her carefully. He cocked his head to one side. “Seriously, I promise you anything you want for lunch, and you decide on pancakes?”

She shrugged. “Why not? We haven’t had the bottomless Big Stack in a long time. I could go for some banana and blueberry pancakes.”

By now they had reached the jeep and Sam unlocked the doors. He couldn’t say for sure what was going on in Jules’s head but he knew there was something. It wasn’t that she didn’t like pancakes because he knew she did, especially the fruit filled ones like banana and blueberry but he’d never known it to be her first choice. Most of the time, he was the one requesting that particular meal. As Jules opened the passenger side door, Sam fixed his gaze upon her. “Yeah, if that’s what you want, that’s where we’ll go. Whatever you want.”

“That’s what I want.” Jules replied succinctly. Normally Sam could read Jules’s mood pretty well but currently he couldn’t get a feel on her. Her tone suggested she was mad but her posture seemed more resigned than angry. Once she was settled in her seat, he went around to the driver’s side. Neither spoke as Sam pulled out of the parking lot and headed toward the diner. He wanted to ask about her session, but didn’t want to pry, didn’t want to re-open fresh wounds if Jules didn’t want to talk about it. 

A few times Jules opened her mouth like she was about to say something but then closed it again without a word. Instead she stared out the window, lost in her own thoughts. It was killing Sam to know that even though he had had her best interests at heart that he’d caused even a moment of tension for her. Not sure if she’d appreciate the gesture but unable to stop himself from trying, Sam reached over and touched her cheek. At first she stiffened and he was ready to pull back, but then she moved her head so that his hand was trapped between her cheek and her shoulder. Still, she didn’t say anything.

Sam sighed, feeling the need to breach the silence but not sure what to say. Finally, he settled for what his gut urged him to tell her. “Jules, I’m sorry I blindsided you today with this visit. I’ll apologize for that because it probably wasn’t fair to spring it on you like I did. However, I’m not going to apologize for making the appointment for you or for insisting that you talk to Luria at least once. I couldn’t just sit back and do nothing knowing how little sleep you’ve been getting.”

“I know.” Jules admitted softly. It was all she said but Sam hoped it meant she wasn’t too mad at him. He pulled into the first parking space at the diner Jules had requested for lunch and they went inside. They chose a booth near the back and settled in on opposite sides of the table. A waitress took their order and then brought them their drinks. 

Jules ran her finger over the rim of her glass of Coke. She sighed. “Dr. Luria wanted me to take a drug that might would stop the nightmares.”

“Prazosin.” Sam supplied without hesitation. Jules’s eyes narrowed as she looked up at him sharply, suspicious that he’d been able to name the drug so quickly off the top of his head. He shrugged. “I did some research on the internet trying to figure out ways to help you and it came up on one of my searches. I had a feeling she’d mentioned it. You told her no.” 

Jules nodded even though he hadn’t posed it as a question. Her posture was definitely defensive. “I don’t need drugs, Sam. I’m not sick or crazy…”

He reached over and took her hand that was playing with her glass in his own and gave it a squeeze. “I know. I knew you wouldn’t agree to it and that’s why I didn’t mention it myself as a possibility. Sometimes I think I know you better than I even know myself. You wouldn’t want to feel dependent on any kind of pill to get a good night’s sleep. Besides, if you were on medication, you’d be obligated to report it to Sarge. He might try to fool us into thinking he doesn’t know the internet from a tennis net but we both know he’d be on it in a heartbeat to find out why you were taking something if he didn’t recognize the name on his own. If it knew you were taking Prazosin, he’d know you were having the nightmares and I know you don’t want that.”

Jules made a face. “You might know me better than I know myself. Having to tell Sarge never crossed my mind, at least not consciously.” She chewed on her bottom lip and then, with her head bowed, glanced up at Sam through mostly closed eyelids. “Would you take it? If you were the one having nightmares?”

Sam took a moment to consider her question thoughtfully. He owed it to her to give her an honest answer. “I don’t know, probably not and for the same reasons. Still, I’d be lying if I said part of me doesn’t wish you would. Anything that would make things better for you.”

Jules frowned. “It wouldn’t make things better, Sam, not really. It would just treat a symptom, nothing more.”

“That’s all Advil does for a headache as well.” Sam reminded her. Before she could say anything, he sighed. “I know, you fight through the pain of headaches as well. Still, if it gives you a few nights of peaceful sleep…”

“Then you could get a few nights of peaceful sleep as well.” Jules finished for him. “If it were really that simple, I might would consider it just for that reason. But it’s not and we both know that. I could take it for a few weeks and maybe the nightmares would stop, but if I stopped taking it, then what? Even Luria admitted there was a possibility of rebounding. What if it made the dreams not only come back but come back worse than they currently are?”

The waitress returned, setting plates of pancakes in front of each of them. Sam waited until she left, never letting go of Jules’s hand. He gave it another squeeze. “Jules, it has nothing to do with me getting sleep and you know it. I don’t give a damn about that. I wouldn’t want you to agree to take something you aren’t comfortable with just because you thought it was what I wanted. I just hate seeing you hurting and not being able to do anything about it. I understand your reasons for telling her no about the drug, and I don‘t blame you. I support your decision.”

He released her hand so they could both eat. It didn’t escape his notice that while he dug into his pancakes enthusiastically, Jules seemed to be picking at hers. It was the first time in the last month that he’d seen her appetite affected by everything that was happening. Again he wondered at her request for pancakes for lunch. Had she requested them because it was what she really had wanted or because she knew how much he loved them? 

He waited until he’d finished his first stack and had requested a second one before continuing the conversation that he was sure Jules would rather put off completely. “Surely, Dr. Luria had other suggestions besides the Prazosin.”

Jules busied herself taking a bite from her half-eaten stack of banana and blueberry pancakes. She knew Sam only wanted to make things better. She’d known he had a protective nature long before he’d even kissed her the first time, and while it sometimes irked her independent, I-can-take-care-of-myself nature, she’d accepted it as part of what made Sam the man she loved. She swallowed her bite and then washed it down with a sip of her soda. “Yeah, sure. She suggested I try yoga or some other form of meditation just before going to sleep. Told me to avoid eating spicy foods or watching anything scary close to bedtime. Said I could try aromatherapy or maybe even a sound machine.” She shrugged, the move indicating she didn’t think much of the suggestions.

Sam nodded; he’d seen some of the same suggestions in his research. “Sounds like it’s worth a try at least. What could it hurt?”

She shrugged again. “She also suggested that I keep a dream journal to help figure out what’s really causing the dreams. Like that’s going to do much good. What, I’m supposed to wake up from a nightmare when I can barely catch my breath and my heart feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest, and relive the whole experience by writing it down? Right, I can’t even talk to you about them.” 

Sam put his fork down. “Causing them? I mean, don’t we know that already? The dreams started…”

“I know when they started.” Jules interrupted, her tone sharp. Then she immediately felt bad. “Sorry, I just…Can we talk about something else for now? I know we need to discuss things; I owe it to you, at least, but can we just please put it off until after lunch?”

Sam nodded. He’d told himself after Jules had followed Luria back that he wasn’t going to pressure her to talk about the session. It was bad enough that he’d forced her into something he knew she didn’t really want, he didn’t have to force her to go through everything a second time. Now that she was sitting across from him, it was easier said than done however. “Yeah, sure. I told you that the rest of today is yours. Whatever you want to do. Just… Jules, you don’t owe me anything, okay? I don’t want you thinking that. I want to be supportive and do anything I can to help you but if discussing things with me just makes things worse, then it’s not worth it.”

Jules wouldn’t meet his eyes and that concerned Sam more than anything. She cut the rest of her stack of pancakes into bite sized pieces but then played with her fork rather than eating. Sam frowned. He stretched his leg out, nudging her lower leg with his foot. She still didn’t look up at him. “Jules?”

“Yeah, sure whatever. We’ll talk, just not now and not here. Okay?”

“Whatever you want.” Sam agreed even though it was the last thing he wanted to do. He didn’t understand it; part of him felt like she was mad at him but in other ways he just couldn‘t tell. This wasn’t like the Jules he knew so well. She was the type if she was angry, she let him know why. They would argue about it and work it out. This, this just seemed wrong but he didn’t know what to do and trying but making things worse in public didn’t seem like the right way to make it better.

He decided a change in conversation was in order. If she didn’t want to talk about her visit or the nightmares, then he’d give her that, for now at least. Again he nudged her ankle with his foot. “So, after we eat, you got the rest of the day planned out for us?”

For a moment, she didn’t answer him. Her head was no longer bowed and she was looking at him like she was trying to figure something out. She picked up her fork and ate another bite of her pancakes and then nodded as she swallowed. “Yeah, actually. I saw something in the paper today about a flower show down near the marina. I thought it might be fun to check it out.”

“A flower show?” Sam’s tone was carefully neutral. He wasn’t that into flowers and didn’t think Jules was either; after all, she was the one who had complained about receiving flowers when she’d been hospitalized. “Like where they sell flowers to put in the yard or something? You want to try putting in a garden or flower bed around the house?”

Jules shook her head. “No, this one is more like an art show for flowers. People bring their prized collections in to be shown and judged. I’ve heard there are some amazing displays every year. Thought it might be nice to take a look.”

It sounded horrible to Sam. Walking around looking at flowers he knew nothing about all afternoon? Sounded like pure torture to Sam; still a promise was a promise. If that’s what Jules wanted to do, then he could manage to look enthralled with the idea for a few hours. Maybe Luria had suggested it thinking the different floral scents would have a positive effect on her sleep. “Sure, sounds great.”

The corners of her mouth turned downward, and she dropped her fork against the plate with a small clatter. She pushed it aside. “I’m going to the bathroom; I’ll be back. You can have what’s left of my pancakes if you want them. I‘m done.”

Sam watched her leave, wanting to get up and follow her. He’d upset her with his answer; he knew that instantly, but didn’t know what about it had bothered her so much. He sighed deeply as she disappeared down the little hallway that led to the public restrooms. Never before, not even when she’d been lying in the emergency room unable to do anything other than blink, had he felt so helpless. She was hurting and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do to make things better. He felt like she was slipping away, down that deep hole she’d mentioned being afraid of falling into what seemed like forever ago when she first learned Johnny Dawson was being released from prison. He’d promised her then that if that started to happen, he’d grab hold of her and not let her fall. He wanted to do that now but it was starting to feel like she was already too far down for him to catch. He couldn’t let her down, not just because he loved her too much to see her suffer but because if he did, he’d tumbled right down with her.

He paid the bill and waited for her at the end of the hallway. Ten minutes passed and he was starting to worry about her. Just as he was tempted to ask a waitress to go in and check on her, or, damn the rules, burst into the restroom and check on her himself, Jules emerged. She didn’t seem surprised to see him waiting for her. She raised up to plant a brief kiss on his cheek before passing him. He sighed and followed her out of the diner. He’d gotten enough of a look at her to see that her eyes looked a little red but nothing that had indicated that she’d really been crying. 

Sam wasn’t surprised to see her climb into the driver’s seat. After all, she was the one who apparently knew where this flower show was and how to get there. He got in the passenger side and fastened his seatbelt. He looked over at her; her hands were slightly shaking as she put the key in the ignition. 

“Jules…”

“Sam, not now. Okay? I’m fine; everything is just freakin’ fine. I don’t want to talk; I just…” She broke off as a single fat tear slipped down her cheek. She brushed it away, cursing its existence as she did.

Sam reached over and took the keys away. He couldn’t and wouldn’t let her drive upset. Inwardly he cursed himself; it was only a matter of time before the lack of good sleep and all the stress finally got the best of even someone as strong as Julianna Callaghan. “Jules, you don’t have to talk. Okay, I’m not going to make you. If you don’t want to say another word to me the rest of the day, that’s okay. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

She glanced over at him, her eyes flashing and her chin jutting out. Once again, his good intentions had missed the mark and he’d upset her but he‘d be damned if he knew how. She held out her hand. “Give me the keys back, Sam. We’re so not going to sit in this damn parking space all afternoon.”

Sam considered giving her the keys back but only for a moment. He didn’t care if it just further fueled her anger, he knew she was in no condition to drive. “I’ll drive. Tell me where this flower show is and I’ll get us there.”

Jules shot him a glare but opened her door. “Fine, take me home then.”

Sam wanted to punch something in frustration. Instead, he reached over and gripped her shoulder firmly but not so hard as to hurt her. “Jules, stop it, okay? You want to go to the flower show, so that’s where we’re going . I’m sorry I’m doing such a great job of pissing you off today. You’ve got to know that’s not what I had in mind.”

“Take me home or give me the damn keys back so I can.” 

Their eyes locked on one another for the longest time. Jules’s were flashing with barely contained pent up emotions that were dark and stormy. Sam’s were pleading with her to let him in so he could make things better. If this were a hot call with Jules as the subject and Sam the negotiator, he knew he would be failing miserably. Subject might not have a weapon but she was definitely a red and showing no signs of de-escalating. Sam’s jaw was rocking, not from anger but from frustration. He knew he was handling things all wrong, probably because he hadn’t been sleeping well and because he was too close to the situation. He sighed. 

“Fine, we’ll go home. I’m driving.”

Jules nodded and broke the stare. It only took them a minute to switch places. Sam pulled out and turned in the direction of the house instead of toward the marina. Jules was huddled in the passenger seat, her arms crossed at her chest, staring out the side window. He could feel the anger rolling off her in waves. Subject was still firmly a red with no signs of moving toward yellow.

The ride home was made in silence. Nothing good would come from anything being said during the drive. Sam kept glancing over at Jules longingly. They’d had arguments before but nothing that had ever felt like this. Not even when he realized she was breaking up with him did her reactions to him feel this bad. It was killing him but there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it.

He pulled into the driveway and turned off the engine. He turned to face her. He reached over and touched her cheek, which, to his relief, was dry. To his further relief, she didn’t pull away even if she didn’t relax into his touch. “Jules…”

Her lower lip quivered and she bit down on it as if to stop it. “Sam, I don’t think I can do this.”

She got out of the vehicle without another word and ran up the walk toward the house. Sam continued to sit there, stunned by her words. What did she mean she couldn’t do this? What this? Deal with the nightmares? Be angry with him? Be with him? After all they’d been through, was she about to walk away again? He’d barely handled it the first time; he knew he couldn’t do it again. But if it -- if he-- was making things worse for her…He couldn’t finish the thought. 

He followed her up the walk. She hadn’t shut the door all the way and that surprised him. She’d always been cautious about locking the door but since the attack, that caution had become more like obsession. She wasn’t in the living room or the kitchen. Patches, who was eating from his bowl in the kitchen, looked up as Sam entered and meowed. 

A voice in Sam’s head said he should leave things alone. Give Jules her space and let her cool off. They needed to discuss things, apparently a lot of things given her parting statement, but talking about it while she was upset was just asking for trouble. A second voice, the voice that fed his protective streak, argued that he needed to find her and check on her. He didn’t think she was upset enough to do anything desperate; didn’t believe she was capable of such actions no matter how upset she got, but he’d also been with SRU long enough to know that sometimes situations made people act in ways they would never ordinarily act.

He headed up the stairs, the second voice influencing him way more than the first. He found her sitting on the bed, just staring at the wall absently. He leaned against the door frame, watching her. “In all the time I’ve known you, there’s never been anything you couldn’t do. Even when it was something you had doubts about your ability to accomplish, you still pushed through and made it work. Whatever this is, whatever you think you can’t do, talk to me and we’ll work through it.”

“If I asked you to leave, what would you do?”

Her question, softly spoken, cut deeper than Dawson’s knife ever had the opportunity to do. If he hadn’t already been leaning against something, he was pretty sure his legs wouldn’t have been able to hold him up. He’d figured she’d be upset with him about the visit; she’d been very adamant about not wanting to talk to a professional, but he’d never suspected she’d be so upset that she’d want him to leave. She hadn’t even gone that far when he’d made the mistake of blurting out his fears that she’d been raped as a teenager over the radio for all the team to hear. Surely that had been bigger than forcing her into one visit with Luria?

His heart was pounding and his head was swirling. He didn’t think anything could hurt worse than the night she’d sat her across from him at the coffee shop and told him she wouldn’t risk her job by continuing their relationship. But this, hearing her ask him to leave was killing him. _Fight for her._ Both voices in his head demanded. _Make her realize it would be a mistake. Don’t lose her over this._

“If you want me to go, I will. I’ll pack a bag and stay at the apartment for a few days. Then we’ll see what happens next.” He tried to keep the emotion out of his voice. He didn’t want to make this any worse than it had already been for her.

She looked up at him, her eyes dry and unreadable. “Is that what you want?”

_Hell, no, it wasn’t what he wanted._ He wanted to scream the answer for the whole world to hear. What he wanted was to take her in his arms and crush his lips to hers. He wanted to show her just how much he wanted her and loved her. He wanted to kiss away all her fears and doubts until nothing remained but her steadfast knowledge that he loved her more than life itself. He couldn’t do that though. He wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t use his body, would press attention on her that she didn’t want. She’d had enough of that to last a lifetime. “Give me ten minutes.”

Jules stared at him. She could hear in his voice that it wasn’t what he wanted. _Why wouldn’t he tell her that? Why wouldn’t he fight back, tell her what he really wanted to say?_ She stood. If he did leave, at least he’d get the sleep he needed. She moved across the room and into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. The tears she hated to cry spilled over, refusing to stay hidden any longer. She gripped the counter until her knuckles turned white. He was going to leave because he though that was what she wanted. She glanced in the mirror and hated the person staring back at her. She released the counter and picked up the nearest object she could find, a porcelain soap dish next to the sink, and chunked it at her reflection. A sob mixed with the sound of breaking glass.

Sam heard both the strangled cry and the dish colliding with the mirror. His heart froze and without a second thought went to the bathroom. Jules had backed up against the wall and slid down to a crouch position, her face buried against her knees. He’d never seen her look so broken and somehow he knew it was all his fault. Without a thought to the consequences, he scooped her up in his arms and carried her back into the bedroom. He sat down, still holding her tightly as she cried. His own tears fell down his cheeks and into her hair. 

“Jules, I’m sorry. Sweetheart, please, don’t do this. I’m sorry.” Then he paused, playing back the conversation in his head. Belated he realized she’d never asked him to leave, only asked what he would do IF she did ask. Mentally, he kicked himself. “Jules, do you want me to go?”

“No.” Her reply was muffled but a welcome sound to his ears. 

“Then I won’t go. Shh, Jules, it’s okay. I misunderstood what you were asking. I didn’t mean to upset you. I only said I would because I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“Damn it, Sam, stop it.” Jules pushed out of his arms and scrambled to the end of the bed. “Quit saying what you think I want to hear. Tell me what you want.”

Sam had never felt more confused in his life. He couldn’t win for losing today. If he said he would leave, she got upset. If he said he was staying, she got upset. What did she want from him? “I want to make things better for you.”

Her entire posture stiffened and her hands tightened into fists. “When, Sam? Tell me when this relationship stopped being about us and became about me?”

He shook his head. “What? What are you talking about?”

Jules turned to face them. “You haven’t slept this whole week worried about how my dreams would affect me. Since we left Luria’s office, everything has been about what I want even if it’s something you would hate. ‘Whatever you want.’ How many times have you said that to me today, Sam? A flower show? God, Sam, why would even agree to that? We get back here and you are willing to leave or stay based on what I want. What about you, Sam? When did you stop mattering? Am I that selfish, that demanding, that you don’t feel like your thoughts and feelings matter anymore?”

He started to reach out to touch her, hesitated, but did it anyway, trusting what his heart was telling him rather than his head. Her shoulder relaxed against his hand. Feeling emboldened, he scooted closer and cone more wrapped his arms around her. She rested her head against his chest. He kissed the top of her head. “Jules, what’s happening to you matters to me. If you are suffering, then I suffer too. Trying to make things better for you makes things better for me was well. You aren’t selfish, quit thinking about that. You’ve been through so much the last couple of months and it hurts me to see you in pain. Maybe I’m the selfish one because I can’t be happy if you are hurting. If I’ve been too smothering, I’m sorry. I’m not neglecting myself if I cater to your wants and needs a little. After all you’ve gone through, you deserve it.”

“What I’ve been through? What about what you’ve gone through? You were the one on medical leave for a month because of the stab wound you got because of…”

“Don’t you dare say because of you. I was stabbed because a demented psychopath couldn’t get what he wanted.”

“A psychopath that wanted me.” Jules reminded him. “I’m not blaming myself, Sam. I’m not going to take the guilt for Johnny’s actions, but I do know I played a part of what happened. You were hurt and you could have been killed…”

“And you took care of me. You stayed with me the whole time I was in the hospital and even when I came home, you did everything you could to take care of me. When I was hurting, you sacrificed whatever you had to in order to make things better for me just like I tried to do for you today. I knew seeing Luria was hard for you and if giving you a Jules day helped make that easier, then I could suffer through a flower show. It’s what we do because we love each other. We put the other person’s needs ahead of our wants.”

“Then why is that a one way street?” Jules accused. 

Sam looked confused. “What do you mean?”

“Every time today I mentioned owing you or wanting to do something because you deserve it, you brushed aside what I was saying. I can’t do anything because I think it’s good for you but then you turn around and in the next breath tell me the things you do are because I deserve them or because what I want matters.”

Sam paled. Had he really done that? He knew he must have even if he hadn’t realized it. It hadn’t been because he didn’t want her to do for him but because he’d so wrapped up in wanting to take care of her. His protective nature at its worst. 

“You need sleep and you admitted to me today that you haven’t been getting it. How do you think that makes me feel? I feel bad enough knowing those stupid nightmares wake us both up but to know you are staying awake in case something happens? It’s not fair. I can’t control these nightmares; I wish like hell I could but I can’t. Knowing they are affecting you just makes it worse. You say that when I hurt you hurt because you love me. Don‘t you think the same is true for me? Damn it, Sam, I almost lost you and that hurt worst than anything Johnny could have done to me physically. Knowing you‘ve lain awake at night so worried that I might stop breathing or have a bad nightmare makes me feel horrible.”

Sam tilted her head up. “Jules, I don’t want to make things worse for you. It’s not like I’m staying awake on purpose. I try to go to sleep but then I wake up in a panic, thinking I might sleep through you needing me. It’s as involuntary for me as your dreams are for you. Yeah, it’s been a bad week for me but it’s been a bad month or more like a bad two months for you. That’s why I wanted you to see Luria. I want you to get help so that you know that the dreams aren’t going to last forever, Sweetheart; they’ll get better and pretty soon it’ll just be a distant memory.”

“I just don’t want it all to be about me.” Jules insisted. “I love you and I need you but even more I need us. This relationship, it’s got to be about what we need and want, not just what you think I need. Okay?”

He let that sink in for a moment and then leaned down to kiss her softly on the lips. “Okay, I get your point. I’ll work on letting you worry about me as much as I worry about you. I’ll warn you though; it’s not going to be any easier for me than it is for you. But I’ll try my damndest not to shut you out. Okay?” 

Jules nodded, sniffling slightly. Sam continued. “Now, it’s our day off, and I don’t really want to spend a moment of it fighting with you. So what do _we_ want to do for the rest of the afternoon?”

“We need to get some sleep.” Jules answered almost immediately. She twisted in his arms so that her hands were planted on his chest. “As Dr. Luria reminded me earlier, so many of the calls we have to handle are the result of someone suffering from sleep deprivation. We don’t need to add to that.”

Sam grinned at her, feeling better now that he knew for sure she didn’t want him to leave. “Sleep, huh? I guess cuddling up in this bed with you in my arms does sound a hell of a lot better than a flower show or a stroll through a do-it-yourself store.”

“Yeah, well, when I said we, I didn’t mean at the same time. If we both take a nap together, one of us isn’t going to get any sleep. And I don’t mean me. Whether you want to or not, you’ll stay awake worrying about what’s going on with me, and that will mean you’ll stay tired and I’ll just still feel guilty about keeping you awake. You nap now while I go pick up some of the things Luria suggested could help me sleep better. Later, once you’ve gotten some much needed rest, I’ll take my own nap.”

Sam had to admit she had a point. Still he managed to affect a convincing pout. “What if I can’t sleep without you in my arms?”

Jules rolled her eyes. “You seemed to be sleeping quite well without me in Luria’s office. I think you’ll be fine. If you are a good boy and take a good nap, maybe just maybe I’ll let you hold me while I nap.”

Sam’s grin returned. “I like the idea of that. Tuck me in before you leave? I don‘t know whether I deserve it or not, but I would definitely enjoy it.”

A tiny smile of her own played at the corners of her mouth. She recognized that he was at least trying. “Yeah, sure, why not.” 

He laid down, pulling her down with him. He kissed her again, his hands trailing up and down her arm and back in the process. For a few minutes, they allowed themselves to get lost in the kisses and touches but, then Jules sat up after planting one more kiss on his lips. “Sleep now. We can play later. I’m sorry I was such a pill earlier.”

“I’m sorry I made you feel worse. We’ll figure this all out -- together. I promise.”

She nodded as she slipped out of the bed and pulled the blanket at the end of the bed up and over him. “Yeah, _we_ will.” She leaned down and brushed her lips against his forehead. “Sleep well.”

Sam was asleep before she left the bedroom.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
It was two hours later when Jules returned to the bedroom. Seeing that Sam was still sound asleep, having barely moved it seemed in the time she’d been gone, she very quietly set her bag on the floor at the edge of the bed. He was once again snoring softly. Somehow when he did it, which wasn’t very often, it was sweet and endearing. She toed off her shoes and slipped out of her jeans. Slipping the blanket back, she laid down beside Sam snuggling into his side. Immediately his arms closed around her trapping her to him. With anyone else, the quick move pinning her to him might have scared her but this was Sam and she trusted him without question. Being trapped against him was reassuring not frightening.

While she’d been out, she picked up a sound machine and chamomile scented bubble bath and candles. She wasn’t sure how any of it was supposed to help her sleep better, but she felt like she owed it to both Sam and to herself to give it a try. She’d also ordered a new bathroom mirror to replace the one she’d broken during her tantrum earlier. She wondered if Sam had even noticed it before when he’d gathered her in his arms and carried her out of the bathroom. She hoped the saying about a broken mirror meaning seven years bad luck was wrong. They’d both had more than their fair share of bad luck to last a lifetime. 

She was glad she’d scheduled the delivery of the mirror for the next day. Now that she was settled in Sam’s arms, she didn’t want to leave any time soon. Her own exhaustion was rapidly catching up with her and she could feel her breathing start to match Sam’s even rise and fall. Just as she was about to surrender to much needed sleep, Sam’s voice filled her ear. 

“Pleasant dreams, Sweetheart. We both deserve them.”


	7. Chapter 7

Sam slept like he hadn’t slept for a week; which considering he hadn’t, made sense. Vaguely his mind registered the fact that Jules had slipped into bed with him and just as vaguely he remembered whispering something to her before sleep swallowed him back up. As he woke up, he stretched lazily. He wasn’t usually one for naps in the afternoon; hadn’t been even when he was a little boy and his mother had tried to enforce nap time. Accustomed to naps or not, the clock on the nightstand testified to the fact that he‘d been asleep for more than four hours. That had to be some sort of record for him. 

He glanced down at the woman in his arms. Jules was still asleep, her body flush against his with her back nestled against his broad chest. Her head was turned upward so that he could easily stare into her beautiful, peacefully sleeping face. She was completely relaxed, with no sign of any of the stress that had taken up what seemed to be permanent residence around her eyes since she’d gotten the news that her uncle was being released from prison. 

As refreshed as he felt after his long nap, he hoped that her rest had been equally productive. While his own sleep had been disrupted to the point of being virtually nonexistent for a week, he knew she’d been dealing with the dreams for much longer, at least a month. How had she managed to take care of him as he recovered from his stab wounds, work her shifts, act as nothing was bothering her while every night she lost more and more sleep because of her nightmares? 

He frowned as he gently caressed her arm with just the tips of his fingers. It was a stupid question; she’d managed because she was Jules and she didn’t know how to not push herself past her limits. The better question was how the hell had he missed it? Why hadn’t he noticed sooner? Why had it taken first Donna questioning how she was doing and then the worst possible nightmare ever to finally make him see how what Dawson had done to her was affecting her? Again, the answer was simple; he’d missed it because Jules hadn’t wanted him to see it.

One of the things that had first made him notice her, even from a distance as he’d watched Team One handle a hot call before they’d even known he was about to be their newest teammate, was her strength. In the days and weeks that followed, he’d felt himself drawn to her, like a moth to a flame. She exuded a confidence and an assurance that clearly stated she wouldn’t let anything or anyone stand in her way. The more she’d pushed him away, the more he’d wanted her. 

It hadn’t been until that night at the Royal York when Jules had felt like she’d failed in her duty to protect a principal that he’d really gotten a glimpse of her vulnerable side. He’d seen it even more after she’d been shot. He couldn’t admit it to Jules but as he’d gotten to know and experience that somewhat softer side of her, he’d fallen head-over-heels, stupid in love with her. What she saw as a weakness Sam saw only as further proof of her strength. He knew he’d never be able to convince her of that if he talked until he was blue in the face. So in order to not feel embarrassment at what she would consider a flaw, was it any wonder she’d hid any sign of vulnerability from even him?

Jules murmured and then sighed. Sam grinned. This past week aside, he didn’t usually get the chance to watch her sleep. His fingers trailed down her arm lightly and then took her hand in his own. His thumb rubbed against the base of her left ring finger. He thought about the ring that was now safely hidden away in a safe deposit box at the bank. From the moment his dad had given in to his demand for the family heirloom Sam had inherited from his grandfather, the urge to see it residing on Jules’s finger had been almost overwhelming. Jules didn’t know he had the ring; he’d been careful to keep her from seeing it while he’d been in the hospital. When he’d come home, he’d placed it in the pocket of a winter coat hanging in the coat closet. Sam had figured it was the safest place for it until he could get to the bank. It wasn’t like Jules would be needing their coats this time of year and he was pretty sure, she hadn’t even opened the door to the closet since Dawson had dumped her unresponsive body there after the attack. 

The impatient side of him said it didn’t make sense to wait. He loved her, and he knew she loved him. He couldn’t imagine spending his life with anyone else, couldn‘t imagine even wanting to. He’d already given her his heart; why not give her his name as well? If anything, recent events had served to remind him just how tenuous life could really be; sometimes it didn’t pay to put off the things that really mattered. And nothing mattered more than the woman sleeping in his arms. But he wasn’t going to rush into anything. Not because he had any doubts about wanting to marry Jules, but because when he did ask her, he wanted it to be perfect. Wanted it to be a story they would both be proud to one day tell first their children and later their grandchildren, just as his grandfather had done for him. He didn’t want the black cloud that was Johnny Dawson hanging around when he finally proposed. Didn’t want Dawson to even be a footnote to the story.

He didn’t delude himself. Just as his leg would forever bear the scars of the stab wound he’d suffered, Jules would always have to live with the pain she’d endured at her uncle’s hands both twenty years ago and recently. Only that strength he’d noticed in her from day one could explain how well she’d recovered from both traumas already. He knew she was frustrated because she wanted to put everything behind her like nothing had happened. Sometimes over the last few days, especially late at night when he was too worried about her to even close his eyes, he’d wondered if her nightmares were more a manifestation of that frustration than the memory of what had happened to her. 

So as much as he wanted the world to acknowledge what his heart already knew: that he and Jules were meant for each other and that their lives were so much better together than apart, he would wait. Wait for her emotional wounds to scar over and become less painful. Wait for her to be in a place where she once more felt invincible and happy. Wait for the past to be firmly in the past and no part of their present and certainly no part of their future. As much as he wanted her to be his wife, he wanted her to fully be able to enjoy not only the proposal, but the engagement and wedding as well.

Staring into her beautiful, sleeping face he became impatient for something else, something he wasn‘t as willing to put off for even a moment longer. Lowering his head, his lips brushed hers. His tongue caressed her bottom lip, seeking entrance. She responded, kissing him back even while still asleep. She knew his touch, knew the feel of his lips without question and without fear. There was nothing scary or intimidating about the feel of his lips on hers; instead it was welcomed and wanted. The kiss deepened and he could tell she was waking up. He shifted his body so that she was beneath him. He kept the majority of his weight off her as he pressed her gently into the mattress.

Several minutes later, he pulled back enough so that they could both catch their breaths. She smiled up at him, her eyes still heavy with sleep. She was awake but barely. “What a way to wake up.”

Sam pulled back, suddenly looking chagrined. “I’m sorry; I should have let you sleep. I didn’t even think…I just wanted…” 

He was stumbling over his words and then Jules reached up and pinched his lips shut between her fingers. “Sam, that wasn’t a complaint. Did I give you any indication that I wasn’t enjoying myself? You can kiss me awake; you can kiss me asleep; hell, I don’t even mind when you sneak a kiss or two while we were at work. You can kiss me anytime or anywhere.”

“Good to know,” Sam answered, lowering his head to once more capture her lips, holding her to her word as he held her body to his. For a few minutes, they allowed themselves to get lost in each other’s kisses. Now that Jules was awake, Sam wasn’t as hesitant about lowering his weight against her. He wasn’t trying to trap her into position or crush her beneath him; it was more like he needed and wanted to have her as close to him as he possibly could. 

Jules didn’t protest; instead, she eagerly responded to his kisses. From the moment his lips had touched hers for the first time that night outside the Royal York hotel, she’d known what she’d long suspected: Sam Braddock was an excellent kisser. He had the power to turn her insides to mush with just the power of his lips and now was no exception. Though the kisses were heated and intense, they didn’t go beyond just the kisses. 

When they both needed a few minutes to catch their breaths, Jules tried to get a look at the clock but her position was too awkward to really see the illuminated numbers. “What time is it?” 

Sam glanced toward the clock. “Just before six.”

Jules stiffened suddenly and her eyes widened. “Six? Shit, I knew I should have set the alarm before I fell asleep. I didn’t expect to sleep so long.”

Shaking his head, Sam frowned. “What’s wrong? It’s not like we had any plans for today. We both needed the sleep; probably still need more to be honest.” There was something in her eyes that made him change his answer. “We have plans?”

She nodded. “Peter called me while I was out.” Of her four brothers, only two lived close by, and, of the two, Peter was probably the one who liked Sam the most. “The company he works for is a co-sponsor for this big-deal charity fundraiser tonight. He was given tickets to attend but Missy is sick with food poisoning. I guess she forgot there’s a reason we don’t let Peter in the kitchen. Anyway, the tickets he was given would go for $500 a piece so he hated to see them just go to waste. He called to see if we’d be interested in going.”

It was clear by the look on Sam’s face what he thought about the idea of a some sort of fancy fundraiser. A soft smile played on Jules’s lips. She’d had the same reaction when Peter had first called. She’d been set to politely turn her brother down until he’d given her a little more information about the party. “He promised that the food was supposed to be top notch but the guest list is what convinced me to take the tickets.” She rattled off the names Peter had told her; names that meant something to her only because she’d heard Sam talk about them all the time. Sure enough his eyes got bigger and brighter with each successive name. 

“Jules, that’s like the A list of A list names from just about every hockey team in Canada. Guys I would give my eye teeth for the chance to see play in person and you’re telling me I’ll get to hobnob with them tonight? How the hell did they get them to fly in from so far away? Be honest with me; I’m still asleep and dreaming, right?”

“From what Peter told me, the guy ultimately responsible for the fundraiser is a HUGE hockey fan and apparently has a lot of clout with the different teams. Since it’s the off season and the charity they are raising money for is a worthy one, he was able to convince them to come.” Jules reached up and pinched his upper arm. “You’re not asleep and the invite is real. However, if we don’t get a move on; we’ll be late. You get your shower first and I’ll lay out your suit for you.”

Sam’s grin only widened. “You gonna wear that beautiful green dress you bought for the gala?”

Jules wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him again. “It’s not like I have a closet full of fancy dresses to choose from, is it?”

Sam pulled her flush against him. “The way you look in that dress; it’s a damn shame you don’t get to wear it more often or that you don’t have a closet full of them. These plans you’ve made for us keep getting better and better. I get to meet the best hockey has to offer AND I get to do so with the most beautiful woman in the world on my arm. But what about you? It doesn’t sound like much of a fun evening for you.”

Her eyes locked onto his and a teasing smile matched the twinkle in her eyes. “Are you kidding me? Seeing the way you lit up when I mentioned those names makes it better than a great evening for me. Besides, I’ll be on the arm of the most handsome man there; what more could I want?”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

  
Jules had attended many a Police Gala. They were always the same. People wearing fancy clothes or dress uniforms they weren’t comfortable in, eating cold, rubbery chicken dinners, and drinking warm, flat champagne. She’d been there and even counting the last one where she’d been honored, she usually found herself wishing that she were wearing jeans and a comfortable top joining the rest of Team One at the Goose for beers. Despite Peter’s assurances that this fundraiser would be worthy of the $500 a ticket price tag, she hadn’t expected it to be much different from those galas she’d attended in the past. Only the idea of Sam getting to meet his favorite sports heroes had made her agree to go.

She’d been wrong. No rubbery chicken but a succulent well-cooked lobster dinner had been placed in front of her once she and Sam had been seated at a large round table. One sip from her champagne glass told her they were serving a high quality alcohol instead of the cheap stuff she was more accustomed to getting. As good as the food and drink was, seeing the look on Sam’s face when he realized he was sitting next to the goalie from the Canucks more than made the evening perfect.

She hadn’t known Sam when he was a little boy and aside from a few pictures, she’d never gotten to see that side of him, but looking at him now, she was pretty sure she was seeing what he’d been like at Christmas growing up. At least she hoped he’d had Christmases that exciting. Though he occasionally reached over to squeeze her hand beneath the table, she was more of an afterthought as supper went on. She didn’t mind; ever since her father had shown up to say her uncle was being released from prison, she and her past had been taken up too much of his attention. She knew he didn’t mind and that he’d wanted to be there for her and still did, but it was more than nice getting to see him relax and enjoy something that was basically all his own again. She watched hockey and even enjoyed it but not to the same enthusiasm that Sam loved it. 

As awe-struck as Sam was getting to meet his hockey hero, the goalie was just as impressed when Sam had admitted that he and Jules were officers with the Strategic Response Unit. Apparently his dream growing up had been to be a cop and he plied Sam with questions about the job as much as Sam was asking questions about being a part of the Canucks. The two had hit it off from that point on and after dinner, there was an offer to introduce Sam and her to the other hockey players in attendance at the fundraiser. Again, the way Sam’s entire face had lit up warmed her heart and eased more than a little of the pain she’d endured the last couple of months. She urged him to go, wanting him to get the chance to meet them all without worrying about whether she was enjoying herself or not. 

She’d watched as the two made their way through the crowds of people as she sipped her glass of champagne. Even from across the room, she could practically see the tension that had been so evident in Sam’s body the last week seem to melt away as if it had never been there. And as he noticeably relaxed and had a good time, she felt a little of her own tension ease as well. 

One of Peter’s co-workers recognized her from a picture he’d seen on her brother’s desk and engaged her in conversation. As she explained why Peter hadn’t been able to attend the party, she lost sight of Sam. Suddenly she was the one being introduced about to different people her brother worked with. It didn’t surprise her that Peter was well-liked at work; the family had always joked that Peter could charm an Eskimo into buying air conditioners in January simply by flashing a smile and asking politely. 

By the time her first glass of champagne was empty, it was quickly traded out for a fresh glass before she could protest. Two glasses wouldn’t hurt her and probably wouldn’t even so much as give her a buzz but one of Luria’s recommendations for trying to prevent nightmares had been to avoid alcohol before going to bed. For Sam’s sake as much for her own, she had planned to follow the doctor’s recommendations. Good intentions aside, she decided not to worry about it; she wasn’t going to let any stupid dreams prevent her from enjoying the evening. She wasn’t even going to think about it. 

She got caught up in listening to stories about some of the antics her brother had been involved in and even shared some stories of her own, ones that wouldn’t embarrass him too much if his co-workers went back and told him later. As she finished off her second glass without any of Peter‘s co-workers around to insist on a third, she set the glass aside. With the momentary respite, she looked around the room, doing a quick scan to see where Sam was. She didn’t see him and she frowned. It wasn’t like she was worried about him or feeling neglected; she just wanted to catch a glimpse of him. 

“Excuse me, Miss, but can you give me your number? I seem to have lost mine.”

A brush of someone suddenly standing too close behind her and whispering in her ear should have sent her into defense mode. She could have had the newcomer on his knees begging for mercy in under a minute, but she simply rolled her eyes and turned her head. Even if he hadn’t said anything, she would have known the feel of Sam’s body next to hers. 

“Please tell me you’ve never actually used such a lame pick-up line.” Her eyebrow arched when he flushed a little. She grinned and shook her head. “You have? And all this time I thought you were a serious player in your care-free days.”

Sam wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her flush against him. “I never said I seriously used it. Once, I’ve used it once on a bet. Just before we were to ship out to Afghanistan for my second tour, a group of guys from my unit, about five of us, went out to one of the local clubs for a last taste of partying I guess before we left. One of the guys came up with this idea for a big dare. We had to pick out a girl in the bar and use our best worst pick-up line on her. We were completely smashed by this point and we’d probably seen one too many bad club scenes from movies, but we all agreed to it. The bet was simple. If one of us was able to convince the girl to share a drink or dance with him with the line he used, the others would each pay $25. If the line got one of us slapped or hit, the one who got hit would owe the others $10 each. That was the line I used.”

Sam didn’t talk much about his military days or his past dating experiences, so this wasn’t a story Jules had heard before. She twisted in his arms so that she could look at him easier. “And? Did you earn money or lose it?”

Sam chuckled. “Neither really. I missed out on the $100 from the other guys for winning the bet. She looked me up and down and apparently decided that I was this cocky soldier that was used to getting my way and then turned back to her friends like I’d never said anything. I was a little hurt; I thought my boyish charm would more than make up for the lousy line. But at least I wasn‘t out $40 for getting slapped.”

“And here all this time I thought offering to show me your ‘gun’ was the worst you could come up with.” Jules joked, remembering the first time she’d met him. As he’d reached into his pocket for the picture he carried of the pearl handled vintage colt he owned, she and in turn the rest of Team One had pulled their guns on him for the perceived threat. He’d never so much as batted an eye at having four guns leveled against him. 

“You make that sound so much dirtier than it really was.” Sam accused, his breath warm against her face. “So, if you’d been there that night and I’d tried that line on you, would I have made money or lost it?”

“You definitely wouldn’t have won any, that’s for sure. As for losing it, I’m not sure. Depends on how long it took me to get over laughing at you as to whether I would have had time to hit you or not. So, what about your buddies? Any of them win money?” She relished any chance she got to hear stories about his days before SRU, but never felt it was right to pry since she definitely didn’t want to share a lot of hers. 

“Matt did; he used some line about the girl being lost ‘cause he’d never seen an angel so far from heaven. I don’t think it would have mattered what line he used; he could pick up a girl from across the room without saying a word. He just had that way about him. It was a little scary sometimes and more than a little annoying always. It didn’t really cost me but $5 though since two of the other guys got slapped for their attempts and each had to give me the ten. Matt was nice about it though, he paid for our drinks with his winnings.”

Jules grinned back at him. “So you having a good time? Should I worry about you leaving me and the team behind to go to Vancouver to try-out for the Canucks?”

Sam snorted. “Like I’d have a chance at that.” Seeing her lower lip poke out just slightly, he caressed her cheek lovingly. “And like I could ever leave you behind if they did.”

“Better answer.” Jules assured him.

“Seriously though, getting to meet these guys tonight, to talk to them like they were just some random, unknown, normal people was amazing. They were more interested in hearing about my job it seemed than talking about theirs. They made me feel like I was the celebrity guest instead of them.”

Jules tightened her hold on him. “Well, you are my favorite celebrity.” She was about to joke that she’d thought she’d have to send out a Bravo team to extract him just so she could have a little time with him. She refrained because she didn’t want him to think she begrudged him the experience of meeting the hockey greats. 

“I want to star in all your dreams.” Sam blurted out without thinking. The last thing he wanted to do was remind her of the nightmares that had been plaguing her. She didn’t seem to pick up on it though as she wrinkled her nose.

“You seriously didn’t just say that did you? You’re just full of bad pick-up lines tonight, aren’t you? You didn’t get into a bet with your new friends did you? You cheating by going with the sure thing? Before I decide if I’m going to help you win or lose, how much are you looking to make and how are you going to share it with me?”

Sam chuckled, enjoying seeing her look so carefree and relaxed. It was worth getting teased over. “Now who’s been watching too many movies? No bet. I’ll blame the expensive booze on the amount of cheese I seem to be exhibiting tonight. I had a couple of drinks with the guys while we were talking; not exactly what I’m used to having when we go out with the guys to the Goose. Besides, I just realized I haven’t been that great a date tonight. I’ve neglected you…”

“I didn’t mind. I know getting to meet these guys was a big deal for you. I haven’t felt like you’ve neglected me or anything. I don’t want you to feel bad about doing something without me, especially not a once in a lifetime chance to do something you really enjoy.”

Sam again caressed her cheek lightly. “I don’t feel bad about meeting them. That was awesome and I’m going to have to do something really nice for Peter to thank him for the opportunity. Still, I do feel bad that I haven’t gotten to spend hardly any time with you tonight. I intend to make up for that right now. Bad pick-up line aside, you think I could convince you to dance with me?”

Jules had heard the band start to play but hadn’t realized that couples were out on the open floor dancing to the slow song that was currently being played. She loved to dance but didn’t get the chance all that often. She allowed Sam to lead her to the makeshift dance floor. His arms were around her slender waist as she wrapped hers around his neck. As they swayed in time to the music, Jules rested her head against Sam’s chest, listening to the sound of his heart beating beneath her ear. She sighed contentedly. 

His hands traveled upward, rubbing her back gently. This was how things should always be for them. Maybe not the fancy dress or expensive dinner or party; that wasn’t important to him although he couldn’t deny that Jules looked incredibly beautiful and sexy in her dress. What he really wanted was how relaxed he was, how relaxed Jules felt as she melted against him. For a moment, nothing else existed in the room, nothing but the woman he loved nestled in his arms moving in time with him to the music. As he held her, even as the music shifted to a more upbeat melody, he felt like nothing could touch them, no problems could exist as long as they were together.


	8. Chapter 8

Jules pulled into the driveway and shut off the engine. She turned to look at Sam, who was sitting beside her. He’d shed his tie and suit coat and unbuttoned the top button of his dress shirt as soon as they’d left the party. She smiled and shook her head. “You still have that goofy grin on your face that you’ve been wearing practically all night. I’m going out on a limb here and say you had a miserable time.”

Rolling his eyes, Sam reached over and gave her hand a squeeze. “I think you know better than that. Tonight was amazing, not just because I got to meet the best hockey has to offer but because you and I got to spend it together. I almost hated for the night to end. I‘m not sure you had as good a time as I did though. I feel bad about that.”

Jules’s heart skipped a quick beat at the look of pure love Sam was giving her. Lately, especially with all that Sam had been through with her or because of her, she wondered just why he stayed with her. She didn’t doubt his feelings for her, she couldn’t doubt what he so obviously showed her every single day. She just didn’t understand how he could feel that way. Shouldn’t there be a limit to how much a person could take? Hadn’t she reached it with him?

She worried her bottom lip with her teeth. “My evening was just fine, thank you very much. I didn’t get to meet any sports greats but I did get to know someone I probably should have already known pretty well.”

Sam raised a questioning eyebrow and Jules smiled softly. “Peter. Listening to his co-workers talk about him made me realize just how little I know him. Growing up we were all as close as brothers and sisters could be -- which usually meant them tormenting me and me doing everything possible to torment them back. We lost that once we grew up. I knew he would be well-liked; he’s just that type of person. Some of the stories they shared though; I had no idea. They could have been talking about someone I’d never met. I guess it makes sense; we haven’t been as close as we should have been the last twenty years. My fault mostly. I don’t know if I avoided spending much time with him because I was worried that he’d figure out what had happened or because….” She trailed off a little and then continued. “I don’t know. I guess I felt…”

“Guilty?” Sam supplied softly. He reached up to caress her cheek. “I’m not saying you had a reason to feel guilty but I know how guilt works. You lived through what your uncle did to you while your mother died. On top of that survivor’s guilt, you were afraid of what would happen if the truth of what really happened that night came out. You weren’t responsible for what happened to her but it still has eaten you up all this time that you were.”

He spoke with such an air of authority that Jules knew he was speaking from experience. She twisted in her seat so she could face them. They could easily move from the Jeep to the house, but some conversations were better within the safety of the dark. 

“Your sister.”

It wasn’t a question but Sam nodded anyway. “Yeah, I know I couldn’t have changed what happened but it didn’t make me feel any less responsible. I was the older brother and I was supposed to keep an eye on Carrie as we went to the park. I was supposed to be making things easier on Mom so she could get Nat down for a nap and instead, things were just worse. I was only nine when my sister died but it stayed with me just the same. You might have avoided spending time with your brothers but I probably actually smothered Nat some. I was so overprotective of her it would have made your brothers seem tame. Maybe it’s why she felt the need to rebel so much growing up.”

“Maybe it’s why you resented her rebellion so much as well. You felt like she was making it difficult for you to protect her. Looking at how close the two of you are now, it’s hard to remember how mad at her you were when she first came to town.”

Again Sam nodded. “I know, we lost a lot of time when we could have been closer. When all that happened with David Fleming, it really hurt me that she called Spike instead of me. I know it probably had more to do with Fleming wanting her to draw Spike in but I think she would have called him for help instead of me anyway. It hit me all of a sudden that I could lose her by being too overprotective. It was like once I gave myself permission to let her live her own life, even if I didn’t always like her choices, we were able to become friends as well as siblings. Somehow, after that, it didn’t seem like her choices were all that bad either.”

“Probably helped that her choice was Spike.” Jules pointed out. “Still, I guess I see what you mean. It’s a little different with my brothers and me though. You were trying to protect Natalie and I was just trying to protect myself. I was so scared of what they would think if they knew the truth.” 

“There are no more secrets between you now.” Sam reminded her. “From what I’ve seen, it doesn’t look like they blame you for anything. To be honest, it seems like they want to make up for lost time and for not being there when you needed them before. Maybe it’s time to let them.”

“They’ve been great.” Jules agreed, softly. “I feel closer to them all now than I have in a long time. I’ve probably talked to Mark on the phone more in the last couple of months than the last couple of decades put together. But still, how do I make up for all that time I put up a wall between us?”

Sam’s hand trailed lower to play with the necklace around her neck. “You don’t have to make up for anything. Just move forward and enjoy the time you can now spend with them without worrying about the past. You’ve already started that. You can get to know them without having to hear about them from their co-workers. Discover it for yourself.”

Leaning forward, Jules put her hands behind his neck and drew his head closer to her so that she could kiss him. Then she stared into his eyes. “Does your mother know she gave birth to the most perfect guy ever?”

Even in the dim light of the Jeep, she could see him blush. Embarrassed by her high praise, he frowned. “I don’t think perfect describes my behavior earlier.”

She shrugged. “Temporary aberration due to sleep deprivation.”

His frown turned to a grin again. They hadn’t really had a chance to talk about their earlier spat but Sam understood that her words meant that she’d forgiven him. He wasn’t completely sure he deserved it but he would take it. No woman had ever meant as much to him as Jules did. He didn’t think she even came close to understanding just how much he not only loved her but actually needed her in his life. 

They quietly made their way up the walkway. Once inside, Jules made sure the front door was locked and the deadbolt secured. As they started up the stairs to the bedroom, they had to step around Patches who was curled up on his favorite spot on the third step. Sam shook his head. The kitten had a soft, comfortable pet bed that he’d probably never really slept in. Instead he preferred that particular step, having relocated from it as his normal sleeping position to the couch only while Sam had been home recovering from his stab wound. Now that Sam was back at work, Patches was back on the step. Neither he nor Jules could figure out what was so special about that one step that made Patches claim it for his own. 

They entered the bedroom and Sam closed the door behind them. Jules glanced back at him, having already kicked off her low-heeled shoes. “Will you help me with the zipper?”

Nodding, Sam swept her hair to one side. He understood her need to wear it in a ponytail or braid at work, but he loved when she left it loose and flowing around her shoulders. He eased the zipper of the beautiful green dress down, trailing kisses along her neckline as he did. She stepped out of the garment and laid it carefully over the trunk at the end of the bed so it wouldn’t get messed up. Then she turned and wrapped her arms around Sam’s waist, kissing him. 

Sam pressed her against him. Even though he was still dressed, holding her underwear-clad body next to him had him aroused. They’d made love since the night she’d had the nightmare that had caused her to momentarily stop breathing but not at night before going to bed, only in the mornings. Sam didn’t want to think that their lovemaking had contributed to the dream but he couldn’t help but question the timing on it, so he’d found himself not wanting to take a chance on triggering another bad response.

Even as the kisses continued, she took his tie and coat from his hand and tossed it toward the trunk as well before starting on the rest of the buttons on his dress shirt. As she slipped it off his shoulders, she pulled back from his embrace to look into his eyes. “I want to make love with you tonight. Nothing special, I just need you.”

He ran his fingers through her hair, his breathing quickening. “Sweetheart, every time I make love to you is special.”

Before she could protest that that wasn’t what she meant, he kissed her again, leading her toward the bed as he did. He knew what she was asking for; whether she had wondered whether their attempts to work past her fears might have triggered the really bad nightmare or had just figured out why he’d been reluctant to make love to her before going to sleep, he couldn’t be sure but he wouldn’t put her off, not tonight. It wasn’t fair to either of them. 

She laid down on the bed as he removed his shoes and pants. Joining her on the bed, they continued to kiss as they took care of removing their underwear as well. Once they were fully undressed, he hovered over her as she signaled that she was ready for him. He eased inside her, rocking gently. With a sigh of pleasure at the union, Jules arched up to meet his gentle thrust. She matched his rhythm and wrapped her legs around him. 

Their lovemaking was slow and gentle. There was no rush as if they both wanted to prolong the passion and experience. Sam stared into her warm brown eyes as he continued his slow deliberate thrusts. He wondered if she had any idea just what a wonderful lover she actually was. As strong and confident as she was in every other aspect of her life, he knew this was one area she lacked that same confidence. He wished he could put into words just how much he loved making love to her and wash away all those doubts she had. He wasn’t sure he had the words to adequately express what she did to him and for him and wasn’t sure she’d believe it if he did. As he felt his climax building, he hoped his reactions to their lovemaking told her what his words couldn’t. 

Afterward, he propped the pillows behind him so he was half reclining against the headboard and pulled her close to him. His fingers skimmed against her arm and his lips never completely left her skin. “I love you.”

Jules’s heart gave a little quiver at his proclamation. Did he know just what those three words did to her? Words she longed to hear every time he uttered them. Perhaps it was even that she needed to hear them because she couldn’t quite dismiss the idea that she didn’t deserve them no matter how many times his actions and words tried to convince her otherwise. “I love you too.”

And she did. Loved him more with each passing hour and day. Even if she felt like she didn’t deserve his love, she needed it and returned it with her own love. As competitive as they both were, this was one area they didn’t try to outdo the other. They didn’t put a competition on who loved the other more than the other. It was as if they both recognized that saying “I love you more” was in a way questioning the validity of the love that the other was expressing. Neither wanted to do that. 

“I saw the bag at the edge of the bed earlier. Did you make it to the DIY sale while you were out? Although it’s a much smaller bag than what you usually come away from that store with.”

Jules paused as she’d been lightly tracing random shapes on his chest. She sighed deeply. “The new bathroom mirror just wouldn’t quite fit in any of their bags. It’ll be delivered and installed tomorrow. The bag you noticed actually didn’t come from the DIY store. I had to go elsewhere for what I was looking for. I bought a sound machine and some of those aromatherapy candles and bath stuff Luria suggested.”

Sam made sure his smile didn’t show on his face, knowing if Jules saw it, she’d probably smack him. He knew she hadn’t wanted to talk to Luria, and even after their meeting, hadn’t felt it had done much good. The fact that she’d went out and bought the things Luria had recommended surprised -- and pleased -- him.

Jules frowned, apparently sensing if not seeing his amusement. “Not one word, Samuel Braddock, not one word. Okay? I don’t think it’ll do any good. I mean it’s stupid really, right? How are the sounds of waves crashing on the beach or the sound of a rainstorm supposed to do anything but make me have to go pee a thousand times during the night? I don’t even like to drink chamomile tea so why should the smell of it in the bath make me sleepy? I probably just wasted money.”

Sam heard her protests and the annoyed tone in her voice. Still he raised an eyebrow. “So why did you buy them?”

Jules shifted her position slightly and he could tell she was uncomfortable with the question. “Because even if they don’t work, I owe it to myself and to you to try even stupid stuff in case it does work.”

He was glad she put herself in front of him about who she owed. He was also glad she was willing to give it a try even if she wasn’t sure what kind of success it would have. Now he did grin. “So chamomile candles and bath stuff, huh? I could give you a hand with those if you would like.”

Now it was Jules’s turn to have a slight blush to her cheeks. “I’m sure you could. Do you really want to help me?”

There was something about the way she asked the question that bothered Sam but he answered without hesitation. “You know I do.”

“Then I want you to set up the sound machine while I get my bath. Then I want you to go on to sleep before I get back.” Seeing the frown forming on Sam’s face, she hurriedly explained. “Sam, it’s not that I don’t want you to join me in the tub; ordinarily I would love it. Not tonight though. I get it; my dreams affect more than just me. I might not have liked how you blindsided me into seeing Luria and I might not think her ideas are going to work but I’m willing to give them a shot. However, my dreams are not the only issue here. You haven’t been sleeping right and even if my dreams have played a part in it, it’s a separate issue. You need to sleep and you can’t do that if you are too worried about me.”

“Jules, I told you; it’s not like I’m staying awake on purpose…”

“I know; it‘s not like I‘m having nightmares on purpose either.” Jules’s tone was soft. “But it doesn’t mean I’m not having dreams. And it doesn’t change the fact that you haven’t been sleeping. I don’t want to resort to us sleeping in different rooms but something’s got to change. You seemed to sleep okay this afternoon while we were napping. What if that was because you went to sleep without me being there until you were good and asleep? Isn’t it worth a try? Maybe it doesn’t work but don’t we owe it to ourselves to make the attempt? I’m willing to give Luria’s stupid suggestions a try, can’t you try this?”

Cupping her cheek in his hand, Sam pulled her close and kissed her. “Promise me you’ll come to bed once you are finished?”

Jules knew he was remembering how, back when her father had shown up to tell her that her uncle was being released, that she’d slipped out of the bedroom and avoided sleep so she wouldn’t wake him up with her nightmares. She returned the kiss. “There’s no place I’d rather be. It’s not that I don’t want you to take a bath with me; you gotta know that. I just want us both to get a good night’s sleep more.”

“Then let’s do just that.” Sam agreed. Jules smiled and kissed him once more before slipping out of the bed. She pulled on the t-shirt that she’d worn earlier before digging into her bag for the candles and bubble bath. 

Sam waited until she was in the bathroom before he reached for his boxers. He retrieved the sound machine from the bag and opened the box. It didn’t take long for him to get it set up on the night stand next to Jules’s side of the bed and plugged in. He played around with the different sounds, finally settling on one he thought Jules would find the most soothing and that wouldn‘t send her to the bathroom having to pee a thousand times a night. Considering how much they both loved to camp, he thought the campfire in a Piney woods would be the most appropriate. By the time he’d settled on that setting, the water had stopped running in the bathroom and he knew Jules was starting her soak in the tub. 

He could imagine Jules pulling off her t-shirt and sinking into the bubble-filled hot water. He loved the way her body glistened when it was wet and he could almost see the way the bubbles would cling to her skin as she settled in to soak. He could tell from the dim light showing under the bathroom door that she had the lights on the lowest setting. With the flickering light from the candles, he couldn’t imagine a more romantic setting. 

It was taking all he had in him not to join her. Taking a shower with Jules was one thing but it was nothing compared to taking a long hot soaking bath with her instead. A luxury they didn’t get to share all that often but one he always enjoyed greatly. He could wash her back, giving her a long soothing massage as well to help her relax enough to get some real rest. The fact that his body was responding favorably to the idea of joining her was making it a lot harder not to do just that.

Just as he was about to give in to his desires and slip into the bathroom with her, he stopped himself. Jules was right, him not sleeping well was an issue just as much as her nightmares. The fact that he’d fallen asleep in Dr. Luria’s waiting room was proof of that. Jules had accused him earlier of making things a one way street with her, catering to what was happening to her while ignoring his own needs. Here he was doing exactly what she was accusing him off only hours after promising her to do better.

_You are thinking of your needs,_ an inner voice fueled by the arousing image of Jules in a bubble bath reminded him. _The bulge in your boxers shows just how much of a growing need you have right now._ Though the inner voice was so convincing, Sam did his best to ignore it and to tell it to shut up. Sure he could make arguments for why it would be okay to join her in the tub but he couldn’t deny that Jules had a point. Jules agreeing to give Luria’s suggestions a try was big for her, especially given that she didn’t think it was going to help. If she could do that, was it asking too much for him to give hers a try? Even if it wasn’t what he really wanted? Even if his body was screaming at him for a second release of the night? 

He resettled the pillows on the bed so that he was lying in his normal sleeping position even if it felt weird without Jules in his arms. Even as his body protested that its urgings would be denied, he knew it was the right thing to do. He drifted off to sleep with thoughts of Jules enjoying her relaxing soak in the tub still playing in his mind.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP --

Some time later, he rolled over and awoke as he realized he was still alone in the bed. Blinking back sleep, he glanced at the clock. It had been two and a half hours since Jules had left to take her bath. Where was she? She’d promised she would come to bed when she finished and he trusted her not to go back on her word. So where was she?

The light was still on in the bathroom but that didn’t make sense to him. A long leisurely soak was one thing but he’d never known Jules to spend over two hours in a bath. Willing to accept her anger if everything was fine and he was overreacting, Sam threw off the covers and left the bed he should be sharing with Jules. Easing the bathroom door open, he stepped inside. He stood there, mesmerized by the sight that awaited him.

The lit purple candles she’d placed in various spots around the room still flickered invitingly although it was obvious the wax in each had burnt down quite a bit from where they’d started. The bubbles had long since disappeared leaving nothing of her beautiful body hidden from his sight. Her legs were curled to the side so that she could comfortably lounge in the tub as she soaked. Her hair was in a messy pile on top of her head to keep it from getting wet and her head rested comfortably on a towel she’d folded up to use as a pillow. The even rise and fall of her chest and her closed eyes left him with no doubts. Whether it was the chamomile or just her exhaustion catching up with her, she’d fallen soundly asleep.

Sam knew he had to move her. Besides the fact that the water was probably cold by now, the chances were good that if she shifted position she could wind up with her head under the water. He hated to wake her though. She seemed to be currently sleeping so much better than she had in over a month, perhaps even better than she’d been sleeping that afternoon when he’d awakened her with a kiss. 

Blowing out the candles, Sam pulled the plug on the tub to drain the water. He was glad to see that although the water was cool it wasn’t as cold as he feared. He’d hate for her to get sick. He shook his head. Who was he kidding? When did Jules Callaghan ever get sick? It was like germs knew better than to mess with her. 

Jules didn’t move or seem to show any signs that she was aware of being watched. Sam waited until the water was out of the tub before reaching for a big fluffy towel. He dried her off as much as he could without moving her. He expected her to wake up at any moment but she seemed to be sleeping too hard to even be aware of anything. Wrapping the towel around her, he scooped her up in his arms. He was once again surprised that she didn’t wake up. Her head rested on his shoulder and her body turned instinctively into his. He reached up and undid the clip that was holding her hair on top of her head. He was pretty sure that the hard plastic wouldn’t be very comfortable to sleep in all night.

He carried her into the bedroom and settled her onto the bed. He didn’t bother to dress her. He couldn’t believe she hadn’t stirred at all but he didn’t want to press his luck. She needed the rest more than she needed for him to try to slip her t-shirt back on her. He got into bed next to her and cuddled her close. In the darkness of the room, he watched her sleep. 

He loved watching her this way, always had. He’d found himself in the past week when he couldn’t sleep for fear something would happen, just laying there in the dark drinking in her image like a man dying of thirst might drink water. No question that she was a beautiful woman. The fact that she didn’t even see it about herself only added to her beauty. Some nights the last week, he’d even forgotten he was supposed to be sleeping as he stared at her. While there was no doubt that she was fierce and capable while awake, there was something a little softer, more innocent about her when she slept. And when the nightmares weren’t playing havoc with her, he could almost get a glimpse of the woman she might have been if Dawson hadn’t stolen that innocence away from her. Perhaps it was even a glimpse of the woman she could be again one day soon. 

He yawned. As captivating as the image before him was, he knew he couldn’t stay awake and watch her sleep. He owed it to himself and to her to sleep while he could. Without a doubt, if she did have a nightmare and needed him, he would wake up and be there with her and for her for as long as she needed him. But until then, and hopefully it wouldn’t happen at all, he would sleep just as he promised her he would. 

He kissed her softly as he settled back against the pillows once again. The sound of the crackling fire on the sound machine quickly lulled him back to a deep and hopefully full night’s sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

“Jules, Sweetheart, wake up.” Sam pleaded with her gently.

She squirmed in his arms and he wondered if he should release her until she was awake enough to realize it was him holding her. As he was trying to decide, her eyes flew open and she stared at him, breathing hard. 

He kept his own breathing calm and regular giving her something to match her own to. As he watched the momentary panic that had been evident in her eyes when they’d first opened started to recede and then her breathing started to even out. Reaching up, he softly caressed her cheek. “Better?”

She nodded then frowned. “So much for sound machines and chamomile bubble bath.” 

Sam couldn’t help but chuckle at how irritated she sounded. He understood her dismay. Throughout the night he’d had to wake her up three times as he sensed her nightmares were starting. Her reactions were nowhere near as major as they’d been in the past; she wasn’t screaming, she wasn’t fighting, and most importantly she _was_ breathing. Instead, it was more slight whimpers, a quickening of her heartbeat and breathing, and a stiffening of her body that didn’t feel natural. It wasn’t a record number either for the least amount of times or the most. He pulled her closer to him. “I don’t think you can judge their effectiveness based on one night’s use. Give ’em a chance.”

“What time is it?”

“Almost six.” It struck him that they’d had almost this exact conversation twelve hours earlier when they’d woken up from their nap. “Still early enough to go back to sleep for a little while.”

“Yeah, sure.” She stretched up in order to kiss him before settling back in his embrace. There was something about her tone that bothered him. He sat up, pulling her into a comfortable position next to him. Since he’d put her to bed after finding her sleeping in the tub without dressing her, he made sure the blanket covered her. Even if there was no one to see her but himself, he worried about her feeling a little vulnerable being exposed. 

“What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours right now?”

She shrugged. Sam reached over and turned on the lamp on his side of the bed. His thumb traced the outline of her jaw. “Talk to me, Jules. Don’t shut me out.”

“I don’t even remember getting in bed last night.” It seemed like a random statement but Sam knew Jules well enough that she was hoping for an explanation. Anyone else would think she sounded calm and unaffected but Sam could hear an edge of panic in her words. Did she think she’d lost so much sleep lately that she was losing time and memory of her actions?

“I would be more surprised if you did. I woke up and realized you weren’t here. I found you still in the tub sound asleep. I drained the tub, dried you off and carried you to bed. You never stirred. Chamomile bubble bath and candles must have been good for something at least. Maybe I should have made sure to wake you but you looked so peaceful I didn‘t want to disturb you.”

“Oh.” The one word wasn’t enough to really help him gauge her thoughts. Was she upset that he’d moved her without waking her? Was she worried that he’d think less of her for falling asleep in the tub in the first place? 

“Jules?”

“You put me to bed tonight and each time a nightmare threatened me you woke me up before it could get too bad.” Again he couldn’t read the emotion in her statement. Did she know how much it killed him when she did that?

“It’s hard to tell when you start tossing and turning just how bad the dream has gotten. I’m glad I was able to stop them before they became severe. Wish you hadn’t had to have them in the first place.” Not for the first time did Sam feel like he was walking a mine field without the benefit of the map. He wanted to make her feel better but he wasn’t sure what was really upsetting her the most.

At first she didn’t answer and when she did there was a little quiver in her voice that just about broke his heart. Worse than not being able to detect any emotion was hearing her sound just on the verge of being upset. “You were supposed to be sleeping not watching over me ready to swoop in when I made mistakes.”

Sam twisted on the bed so that he was hovering over her slightly. Both of his hands were on the sides of her head, his thumbs grazing the edges of her face as he distributed his weight between his elbows propped on either side of her pillow and his knees. “Jules, you didn’t make any mistakes, okay? Don’t think that way. Besides, I was sleeping. I probably slept better last night than I have in more than a week. Honest. Yeah, I woke up several times during the night, more than just those four times but after either checking on you or being there while you were dreaming, I went right back to sleep instead of staying up for hours afterward. Okay? Don’t feel bad and please, cut me a little slack here. Just like we can’t expect you to just stop having nightmares after talking to Luria once even if you did follow her suggestions, you can’t expect me to just sleep through the night because you want me to. Okay? I promised you once before that I was going to be here to catch you if you found yourself falling into some deep hole because of your nightmares. I’m going to follow through with that promise, and I’m not going to feel bad about it. I realize I’ve probably gone a little overboard the last week but I’m going to work on that.”

Jules arms reached up to wrap around his waist tugging him down closer. She needed to feel his reassuring weight pressing her into the mattress. She knew she was letting her emotions get the better of her and also knew she wasn’t being fair to either Sam or to herself. She sighed deeply. “I know. I’m just sick of all of this. You know? It’s supposed to be over. Why is it affecting me more now that he’s dead than it ever did before? I know I‘m stronger now than I was twenty years ago. Sometimes it doesn‘t feel that way though.”

“I don’t know,” Sam’s answer wasn’t any more satisfactory to his ears as he felt they probably were to Jules. He rolled so that he was on his back with Jules resting lightly on his chest. He ran his hands down her bare back. “Maybe everything that happened this time was just more of a emotional roller coaster. Maybe because it was a more protracted experience that what he did to you the first time, it’s taking you longer to get passed everything. Maybe because he’s dead and you know the danger is really over, your subconscious is ready to let you really deal with everything that happened to you. Maybe because you are stronger, you are finally able to really process everything so you can truly put it behind you. I don’t know any answers, but we’re going to figure this out. That I am sure of.”

Jules sighed, her eyes not leaving his face. “Maybe this time I had more to lose.”

“Like what?” Sam asked. It was the closest she’d really come to talking about what was bothering her. 

“You.” The one word answer was whispered painfully but with raw honesty. “I don’t want to lose you, Sam.”

“You won’t.” His answer was emphatic with no trace of hesitation. 

Jules lowered her head so that her forehead rested on his chest. Suddenly Sam remembered Jules saying the day before that Luria had suggested that they should determine why she was having the nightmares. He’d been surprised to hear it but Jules hadn’t been ready to talk about it at the time. Then with their argument, nap, and then the great evening they’d had, he’d never gone back to the conversation. He leaned his head back against the headboard and closed his eyes. 

“Jules, I know you don’t like to talk about your dreams and I don’t want to pressure you into something that makes you uncomfortable but I have to ask. Does this fear of losing me have anything to do with your nightmares?”

She momentarily flashed back to the conversation she’d had with Luria the day before. She’d admitted to the doctor that in all of her dreams Sam had been hurt or worse. It was Luria that had suggested that maybe it was her coming so close to losing Sam that was prompting the dreams. She’d also suggested that Jules talk to Sam about it. Jules admitting she didn’t want Sam to feel guilty or responsible for her dreams hadn’t changed that suggestion. In fact, Luria had said it could help both of them. 

“After I was shot or after I got caught in that lab explosion, did you ever have nightmares about what could have happened?” Jules’s voice was quiet, so much so that Sam almost had to strain to really hear her.

He sucked in a breath and tightened his hold on her body. How often had he woken up in a cold sweat because in his dream he’d arrived at the hospital to be greeted by the solemn faces of his teammates telling him that Jules hadn’t survived the surgery? Or more recently, woken up just before screaming out the pain of watching the contamination meter rising above 2500 without being able to get back into the lab to save her from deadly exposure to anthrax? Or even the worst ones yet, where he’d arrived home too late to prevent Johnny from carrying out all of sick fantasies he for what he‘d like to do to her, completely using her body to crave his sexual needs while she was paralyzed and helpless to protect herself? Those were the ones that usually kept him awake long after the dream faded. The ones that had him just staring at Jules for the longest time to remind himself that she was okay and that he’d gotten to her in time. He’d never talked to her about them but now he questioned the wisdom of that. 

“Yeah. Is that what you’ve been dreaming about, Jules? What happened in that apartment to me? What could have happened?” He almost held his breath, waiting on her answer, hoping the answer was no but becoming increasingly sure that it was yes.

“Johnny almost killed you. If any more time had passed before you got medical attention, you probably would have bled to death. I know what happened wasn’t my fault so don’t think I’m blaming myself but it still doesn’t change the fact that you almost died and I couldn’t do anything to save you.” Jules rushed the last bit out, knowing she’d lose her nerve to say it if she gave herself the time to think about it.

For a few minutes Sam said nothing but Jules could feel his heart beating against her forehead that was still resting on his chest. Finally he reached up to cup her head, making her look up at him. “There’s a lot about that afternoon that’s still fuzzy for me. I was kind of in and out of consciousness through most of what happened, especially toward the end. I do remember hearing your voice at times and I remember hearing you do everything in your power to get me help and to contain the situation. Don’t ever say you didn’t do anything. You did so much and I doubt you even thought about what could have happened to you in the process.”

Jules bit her lower lip, her eyes downcast. “I was so scared you weren’t going to make it.”

“I know.” Sam whispered, meeting her halfway for a long, sensuous kiss. He hooked his right leg over her lower body, pinning her against him. The kiss deepened as his tongue swept inside her mouth possessively. His fingers skimmed up and down against her back. Slowly, he began to feel some of the tension leave her body. Once she had seemingly melted against him, Sam turned on the bed, once more pinning her beneath him. He broke off the kiss. “You didn’t lose me, Jules. I know it was scary and I’m so sorry I put you through that. But I’m here and I’m okay now. I know it can’t completely take away how you felt in that time you didn’t know how I was but let me prove to you now that you didn’t lose me. You can’t lose me.”

Once more his mouth found hers and it was Jules who was lost. Lost in the sensations Sam was expertly creating in her with just his kisses and his weight pressing into her. Lost in the desire that was building within her with each passing second. Lost in a need that said no matter how close Sam was to her currently, there was no way he could be close enough. 

She moaned in pleasure as his mouth left hers to blaze a trail down her jaw line and down her neck to the little dip just above her clavicle. His tongue swirled against the area sending shivers of pleasure down her spine. Her body arched into his. He was slowly teasing her but it was sweet torture. 

“Sam.” She practically panted out his name. “Please.”

Though she didn’t elaborate, Sam knew what she was asking for. He trailed back up to her ear, gently tugging on the lobe with his lips before answering. “I will. Not yet though. There’s no rush. We’ve got all the time in the world. Just relax.”

Her fingernails dug little half moons into his back. Never before had simple kisses driven her this close to the edge this quickly, although with Sam there was nothing simple about his kisses. Relaxing was impossible as a knot tightened in her core, threatening to send her over the edge of desire. His talented mouth ignited tiny fires into her skin wherever he kissed her. Her breathing quickened even more and tears of happiness and pleasure slipped down her cheeks. Seeing the tears and almost instinctively knowing they weren’t ones of pain or fear, Sam kissed them away. 

Her hands slid down his back toward his boxers and she deftly pushed them down freeing his erection from its confines. He hissed in pleasure, kicking the boxers the rest of the way off. It was getting harder for him to hold back what they both so obviously wanted but still he waited. He’d been serious when he’d promised that he would make love to her. Foreplay for them was limited because of what happened but he wanted to maximize the pleasure he could give her in ways she was comfortable with for as long as he could. It wasn’t that he thought an intensive round of lovemaking would solve everything but he was determined to do everything in his power to banish any thoughts of losing him from the furthest regions of her mind. 

Suddenly he was inside her, filling her completely. An almost euphoric look of bliss filled her eyes as she cried out in pleasure. It took him a moment to realize that Jules had reached around and guided him inside. Foreplay was forgotten as he made slow, gentle thrusts. As incredible as he felt and as distracted as he at the sensation of her body gripping his so perfectly, his mind couldn’t help but grasp the enormity of the moment. Had she even been aware of her actions? Considering she’d only touched him there once in all the time they’d been together, he was pretty sure she wasn’t. Feeling emboldened by her actions even if she hadn’t consciously been aware of what she’d done, Sam brought his hand forward to gently cup the swell of her breast, his thumb just barely pressing against her hardened nipple. 

She whimpered again and Sam momentarily paused, checking her expression to see if he’d gone too far. The look of bliss hadn’t changed over to fear, so he continued what he was doing. 

Just as he had with his kisses, he wanted to prolong the pleasure as long as he could. Wanted to drive away her fears of losing him so far away that she forgot she’d ever had them. Even though this wasn’t by any means the first time they’d made love since he’d been hurt, he wanted to make up for all the time that he hadn’t been able to show her how much he loved her allowing her fears to build in the first place. He wanted to do all those things and more but all too soon her nails dug into the sheets of the bed as her body arched and stiffened. Her feminine muscles clenched around him as she cried out his name in pleasure. Her release was so strong that it propelled him towards his own almost immediately. 

Before he could collapse on top of her, he shifted so he was laying beside her and pulled her in close. He kissed her. “No more worries about losing me. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

Jules rested her head against his chest, listening to its rapid beating mingling in her ear along with his voice, made husky by a post-coital exhaustion. She hadn’t lost him. He proven that to her in spades. Her own exhaustion crept up on her like a warm blanket, pulling her toward sleep. She sighed contentedly. “I love you.”

She expected him to echo the sentiment but it wasn’t forthcoming. Trying to squelch her initial hurt, she glanced up at him. His eyes were closed and his face slack. Given the intensity of his release, the early hour, and his recent lack of good sleep, he’d quickly succumbed to his exhaustion and fallen asleep. Jules settled back against him. She couldn’t fault him for falling asleep: her own body was giving way to exhaustion as well. His lack of response to her declaration of love hadn’t been intentional; he always made sure to make her feel more than loved both in his actions and his words. As she drifted off to sleep, she kept reminding herself of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Notes: I have to admit that writing love scenes does not come easy for me. I hope they seem realistic and aren’t laughably unrealistic.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to start off with a warning for this chapter. This chapter features a hot call that gets heavy and tough to handle. It contains a sensitive topic that might have triggers for some people. I hope it doesn’t offend anyone as that is not my intention. It has a purpose for upcoming chapters as Jules continues to recover from the events that have happened to her.

“So, Jules.”

If you made a list of Ed Lane’s strong suits, subtlety would not appear anywhere. They’d been riding around in the SUV for over an hour now and Ed Lane had been cutting his eyes over in her direction almost the entire time. Every time he’d opened his mouth to say something, he’d promptly closed it again. Now that he’d finally gotten the nerve apparently to actually speak, this was what he went with?

Jules resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “So, Ed.”

Ed chuckled dryly, realizing he’d been more than a little obvious. “Soph’s been on my case for a week now asking about you. She seemed to think something was bothering you the night of Greg’s party. I’ve been telling her that she must have been imagining things but you know how she can be when she gets her mind set on something. So, everything okay?”

Jules looked out the side window. What Ed wasn’t saying was that he had his own concerns because she knew he wouldn‘t be asking if it was only Sophie who was concerned. If she got defensive, she would feed his worry that something was wrong and that he wouldn‘t let up for anything. Besides, she knew if he was butting in, it was only because he cared. She couldn’t fault him for that. “As okay as things can be given everything that’s happened. Tell Sophie no need to worry. You knew that though; right? I mean, I haven’t given you any reason to doubt my job performance have I?”

“No, no you haven’t,” Ed admitted quickly. “Still, you haven’t had quite that usual spark about you lately. I can’t blame you. It’s been a hell of a stressful couple of months. I don’t know anyone else that would have come through it as well as you have. But we both know it had to have some effect on you. You’re tough but you’re human.”

Jules sighed. If she had to have this conversation with anyone on the team, she was glad it was Ed. Despite what some would consider a gruff personality, she knew he was as compassionate as anyone else on the team. He just tempered that compassion with an almost unerring sense of knowing how not to push. “It’s been difficult. But you know me, I’m not going to let anyone have that much control over me. Johnny didn’t break me, not twenty years ago and not a month ago. I’m dealing.”

Ed nodded, keeping his eyes on the road now. “I wouldn’t expect less. Just remember you don’t have to ‘deal’ with it all alone. You’ve got the whole team on your side; don’t forget that. So, you’re ‘dealing’ but is there more? How about Sam? Is he okay? This week that he’s been back seems like it’s been really tough. He’s not himself either. I know the doctor cleared him and he passed his requalifications without trouble but was it too soon? We’ve both been in his shoes, recovering from the injury is the easy part, mentally getting there can take a little longer.”

Jules chewed on her bottom lip. She hadn’t realized Sam’s lack of sleep as he worried about her dreams had been so evident. Once again, she felt more than a little guilty that her issues were affecting Sam. “So if you were really worried about Sam, why didn’t you insist on patrolling with him today instead of me? Shouldn‘t you be having this conversation with Sam?”

The tips of Ed’s ears turned red as he realized she was on to him. “I did and yeah, I should. However, Greg overrode my suggestions about pair-ups today. I think he was worried about things escalating into a hot call status between us.”

Jules hid a slight smirk. Ed’s and Sam’s professional relationship had been rocky almost from the very beginning. Thought Sam really didn’t talk to even her about it, she was pretty sure Ed’s no-nonsense, protect the team’s integrity at all cost, reaction to things reminded Sam in some ways of his father. Just as Sam didn’t respond well to the General’s heavy handed approach to what he saw as his son’s shortcomings, he wasn’t any more inclined to accept it from Ed either. Usually their relationship was fine but at times, especially when Sam felt his back was up against the wall with the team leader, he would shut down and not let the older man in no matter how much he might know that Ed was really on his side. “So he put you with me instead? The Boss is slipping a little.”

Ed shook his head, silently thinking Greg knew exactly what he was doing. Greg had repeatedly tried to talk to Jules about everything that had happened but she’d rebuffed his attempts in her usual, don’t-worry-about-me-I’m-okay manner. He was pretty sure that Greg was counting on the fact that while for some reason Ed’s manner seemed to rub Sam the wrong way when trying to get the younger man to open up, he was more likely to reach Jules than the rest of them.

“Maybe; so anything I need to be concerned about?”

The sound that emanated from the young woman in the other seat could only be classified as a snort. He raised an eyebrow, not really expecting that sort of response. “What?”

“Like anything I said would cause you NOT to be concerned even if I say everything is peachy keen. I know you, Ed. You take quiet concern to an art form. But no, there’s nothing you should be concerned about. Both Sam and I are dealing okay and we’re both more than capable of doing our job. You know how it is, coming back after a forced extended time off isn’t easy. Anything you might have noticed with Sam last week was probably just that readjustment period. We both had a very relaxing, good couple of days off so I’m sure you’ll see if you watch him today that you see that everything is, if not back to normal, then at least getting there.”

Ed nodded, not completely satisfied with the answer but recognizing that it was as much as he could hope to get, at least at the moment. Baring any major hot calls, they would be riding around on patrol together all day. There would be plenty of time to try to ease into the conversation later.

“Fair enough. We’ve got that training day coming up this weekend. You two are still going to represent Team One, right?”

Jules grinned, glad to see he was changing the subject even if she was sure it wouldn’t be for long. “Can’t say I’m thrilled with the lecture portions that I know will be interspersed with the fun stuff but hell yeah. Sam and I both have at least a few records to maintain. You seem more than a little invested in this event though, more so than usual. I know Sam and I have some pride on the line but why do I think you have something a little more to lose? Have you and the other Tls been making wagers again? What’s on the line this year? It better be something better than last year’s wager. There Sam and I were, the ones doing all the work and what did we get for working our asses off? Nothing, and you got treated to a fancy dinner every night for almost a week prepared or delivered by each of the other team leaders. That steak Donovan on Team 7 made you made my mouth water just looking at it but you were too stingy to share even a bite.”

“Oh, I think you and Sam will like this one. The winning team doesn’t have to worry about performing their part of the monthly station cleaning slash inventory for the foreseeable future. Worth playing for?”

“Hell yeah.” The cleaning and inventory of the station was a necessary part of the job but not one they liked at all. It was such a big task that each team was responsible for one part of it each month on a rotating basis. Not having to worry about any of it for one month would be wonderful, not having it until each of the other teams took a turn doing it for them would be a major windfall. “Who’s idea was that wager?”

“Donna’s. She seems to think her teammates have what it takes this year to beat the two of you.” The sly grin and teasing quality to his tone clearly showed what he thought of her belief.

Jules shook her head. “Donna, Donna, Donna, I thought she knew better. You would think after working with Team One, she would know the folly of that notion.”

Ed laughed. For a moment any worry that he’d been harboring about how Jules was coping disappeared. She was as relaxed and carefree as he’d seen her since before any knowledge of what her uncle had done came out. “You’ll remind her. And if not, then I‘m making you and Sam complete Team One‘s fulfillment of the wager.”

_“Team One, we’ve got a 9-1-1 reporting a home invasion at 527 Elmhurst. The residence belongs to Andrew and Barbara Nettles. Neighbor making the call says she saw a masked man forcing his way inside the house next door to her.”_

Ed and Jules exchanged a look. They were only a couple of blocks away. Jules keyed her mike. “Winnie, Ed and I are in the vicinity. We’ll be the first on the scene.”

_“Copy that.”_

_“Ed, Jules, proceed with caution. Once you are on scene, make the judgment call on your action plan. If there is an immediate threat to the home owners, do what you have to do, otherwise standby for the rest of us.”_ Greg’s warning was predictable but necessary. Jules acknowledged his order as Ed pulled up in front of the address. 

As the two SRU officers stepped out of the vehicle, a woman rushed up to them. They presumed she was the one who had made the 9-1-1 call. “Officers, thank God you’re here. You’ve got to stop him before he hurts Barbara.”

Ed nodded. “Can you tell us exactly what you saw?”

“At first it wasn’t what I saw but what I heard. I was lugging the trash cans up from the street. I can’t see through the hedge between our houses but I heard everything. He was yelling at her and telling her all these vile things he was going to do to her. Poor Barbara. She sounded so scared when she screamed at him to go away and to not hurt her. I raced back inside and called 9-1-1 and then ran upstairs. During the day when Barbara and Andy’s curtains are open I can see into their bedroom from mine. He’d taken her there and I saw him tearing her shirt off.”

Ed thanked her and asked her to return to her house but to stay away from the bedroom. Then he looked at Jules, they knew without discussion what they had to do. The victim might not have time to wait. Ed keyed his mike. “Boss, it appears the victim is in immediate danger. Jules and I are going to gain access to the house and further assess the situation. We’ll proceed as necessary to protect the victim and contain the situation.”

_“Copy that. Be careful and keep the channel open. We’ll be there in five.”_

With their Glocks drawn and at the ready, Jules and Ed swiftly approached the house. The front door was closed but unlocked giving them quick and quiet access. Silently, they made their way up the stairs. They could hear the sounds of a struggle coming from a room at the end of the long hallway. 

“Bitch, you like this don’t you? So wet and ready for me, you little slut. I’m going to fuck you so hard your eyes will bulge out. And you’re going to enjoy every minute of it. Aren’t you, whore?”

Jules felt her stomach turn but she pushed the reaction aside. There wasn’t time to think about her own feelings, not while there was a woman in danger. She peered around the doorframe getting a glimpse inside the room. She could see a man wearing a mask standing over the bed that was currently holding his victim captive. His pants were still on but had obviously been unzipped. The woman was sprawled out with her hands tied to the headboard with what looked like silk ties. Her legs were similarly restrained to the bed post leaving her spread eagle and on display for her attacker. There was a blindfold around her eyes and a gag in her mouth. In contrast to her attacker, her clothes had all been removed. As Jules watched, the man straddled the woman’s body and there was little doubt as to what he was doing to her. 

Jules glanced back at Ed. Her voice was barely a whisper, knowing the mike would pick it up and amplify it enough that he and the rest of the team would hear. “He’s raping her.”

_“We got medics en-route. The victim’s safety is priority. Eddie, the two of you have Scorpio if you need it but try to end things peacefully if you can.”_

Ed held up five fingers to Jules indicating they would proceed on the count of five. Slowly he lowered one finger at a time until only his fist remained. Jules took a deep breath as they burst into room.

“Move away from her now. Right now! Do it now!” Ed’s voice was loud and demanding.

“Shit! Fuck! Don’t shoot! Please!” The assailant stiffened but didn’t pull away from the woman he was attacking. She squirmed beneath him but there was no way of knowing what she was screaming beneath the gag other than one muffled cry for help.

Ed pulled him away from the woman, dislodging him from his position inside her as quickly as he could without harming the woman further. Jules kept her gun trained on the man as Ed forced him to his knees and wrenched his hands around his back in order to handcuff him. He ripped off the man’s mask. Once the subject was secured, Ed motioned toward the woman indicating Jules should take care of her.

Jules holstered her weapon and moved to the bed. Knowing that at any second the room could be full of men, she used a sheet to cover the woman’s naked body. Her stomach was turning somersaults but she refused to pay it attention. She couldn’t think of parallels to what happened to her and what was happening here. She had a job to do and she was currently the best one to help the traumatized woman. 

“Ma’am? Barbara? I’m Jules Callaghan with the Metro Police Strategic Response Unit. You are safe now. Okay? I’m going to untie you. You are safe.” The woman might not be able to see or speak until Jules removed the bonds that held her but she could hear. Jules knew how helpless it felt to be in such a position so she wanted to assure her as much as possible.

“It’s not what it looks like.” The subject proclaimed, almost sobbing. “I wasn’t hurting her. She wanted everything that was happening. It’s all a mistake. This wasn‘t supposed to happen.”

Jules looked to Ed, her eyes blazing. What was it with sadistic men who believed that women were asking to be hurt and raped? Ed jerked him to his feet and forced him from the room, not even giving the man the opportunity to fix his pants and cover his manhood which had lost its arousal with SRU’s arrival. Ed wasn’t as concerned with the man’s dignity as Jules had been for the victim. The last thing Barbara needed to hear was him spouting off how she had deserved to be raped. The would be rapist struggled against Ed’s hold and pulled free. As he took two steps back toward Barbara, Jules reached for her TAZER and fired. The prongs caught the assailant in the right shoulder and as he went down to his knees in agony. She released the charge. Ed pulled the prongs free of the man and practically had to drag him out of the room, the fight all out of the man. 

Ejecting the spent cartridge, Jules returned the stun device to its holster and wished she could release all the ties that held Barbara at the same time. The woman was obviously frightened as she struggled against her bonds. It was as if she either hadn’t heard Jules’s reassurance that she was okay or didn’t believe her as her struggles seemed worse now than when she was being attacked. Sensing that maybe it was better to undo the binds to the woman’s eyes first, Jules quickly untied the knots that held the tie in place. 

Tears poured down Barbara’s face. Jules resisted the urge to wipe them away; the last thing this woman needed was more touches she hadn’t asked for. Hearing her scream into the gag, Jules went for that next. Even in the short amount of time the woman had been gagged, her mouth was dry and forming actual words that made sense was difficult.

“Where…What?”

“It’s okay. Your neighbor saw what was happening and called us. Just relax and don’t try to talk just yet. I’m going to finish untying you and by then the paramedics should be here. We’re going to get you to the hospital and get you checked out.”

Jules reached up to release the ties that held the woman’s arms. There were three ribbons, one each of red, yellow, and green, loosely tied to the headboard on either side of her hands. She wondered briefly about them but ignored them in order to unfasten the more important bonds. Barbara’s tears increased. “No!… husband.”

“Winnie,” Jules spoke into the headset. “See if you can’t get a number for Andy Nettles; get him en-route here.”

_“Already on it, Jules. I’ve tried his work number but his coworkers say he took the day off. I’ve been trying his cell with no luck. I’ll keep trying.”_

Having freed Barbara’s hands, Jules started to move to the end of the bed to do the same for her feet. As she did, she managed to catch a glimpse of a photograph on the nightstand. Her heart skipped a beat. It wasn’t possible. It shouldn’t be possible but the proof was staring back at her and couldn’t be refuted. She turned her back on Barbara as she whispered into the headset. 

“Guys, I know where Andy Nettles is.”

_“Where?”_ One word but at least two different voices as both Greg and Ed responded.

“Our subject. The man who broke in and was raping her is her husband.” After releasing the right foot, Jules moved to the other side of the bed to free the left foot as well. As soon as it was free, the woman kicked out, catching Jules square in the stomach. More surprised than injured, Jules folded and sought to catch her breath as the woman scrambled off the bed clutching the sheet to her body and stumbled out of the bedroom. 

Straightening, Jules took off after her, warning Ed that the victim had bolted. In the hallway, she saw that Ed hadn’t taken his prisoner far but had at least repositioned the man’s clothes so that he was covered. Andy Nettles hadn’t fully recovered from the TAZER blast and was sobbing piteously. Barbara had collapsed beside him and was hugging him tightly. She glared first at Ed and then back at Jules.

“You have no right. What did you do to him? Why is he handcuffed? You can’t arrest him. He didn’t do anything.”

Ed knelt beside her, careful not to touch her. “Ma’am, I get that you are upset and you’ve just been through a terrible experience. It’s okay now and we’re going to sort this out. Please, why don’t you go with Constable Callaghan until the medics can check you. You don’t have to go back in that bedroom. She can help you downstairs if you’d rather.”

“No! You don’t understand! He wasn’t raping me. Not really. It was all an act. He was only doing what I asked him to do.”

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
“Ed, Jules, anything either of you want to add?” Sarge asked as he finished reading the transcript to the hot call they’d just completed.

“Nothing to add. The transcript was pretty clear how it all went down.” There was nothing in Jules’s voice that seemed out of place. Nothing to suggest that this call had been any different from any other hot call Team One had been on. Nothing in her posture indicated that she was on edge or uncomfortable. This could have been any debrief after any call. Could have been but Sam knew better.

Ed didn’t add anything either and the Sarge nodded. “Okay then, even though things turned out okay, it was still a tough call. Ed and Jules, it couldn‘t have been easy to be in that situation but you handled it exactly like I would expect you to. I’m proud of both of you. Now, rather than go out on patrol again, I think we’ll spend the next couple of hours around the station. Ed and I have to have a strategy meeting with Winters from Narcotics about that warrant the team will be serving this afternoon. Provided things stay quiet and we don’t get another call, everyone should just stick close and stay lose.”

Almost as if the call had left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth, no one wanted to stick around. Spike was the first to rise, muttering something about Babycakes not working to his satisfaction and needing to figure out what was wrong. Raf was the next one out, claiming he’d use the time to get in an extra workout. Before Greg and Ed left out for their meeting, Ed asked Sam if he wanted to hit the shooting range later. Sam nodded almost absently. He continued to sit there long after the rest of the team had filed out. He stayed because Jules was still rooted in her seat.

Glancing around to make sure no one was watching, Sam reached over and squeezed her arm. “Jules?”

She didn’t pull her arm free but she didn’t look at him later. “I’m okay, Sam. We responded on what we thought was a dangerous situation. We acted in accordance to protocol and it turned out to be a false alarm. No one was hurt and everything’s fine.”

She pushed her chair back with a scrap before Sam could say anything. Sam released her arm as she stood up, knowing she wasn’t going to say anything else about it, at least not then. If she didn’t want to talk about it, he wasn’t going to force her--yet. As she started out of the briefing room she paused behind his chair and laid a hand gently on his shoulder. “Thanks, Sam.” She didn’t elaborate on what she was thanking him for but Sam heard what she wasn’t saying. They knew each other well, and she knew he knew she wasn’t as okay with things as she wanted to pretend. He knew it and probably knew she needed to talk but he also knew she wasn’t ready. There was a time he would have pressured her regardless but she was glad he was giving her time to work things through for herself. 

He reached up and took the hand on his shoulder in his own. Again, looking around to make sure the coast was clear, he lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed it gently. He wanted to offer her more but those kinds of kisses and touches would wait until they were off shift and back in couple rather than coworker mode. She allowed her hand to linger there for a second before pulling away and leaving the room.

Slowly Sam stood. As he stepped into the hallway, he didn’t see Jules. He wasn’t surprised; she needed the time to really process what had happened in that house earlier. There was no question that she processed things like that better by getting away by herself. Instead of following where he knew instinctively she’d gone, he headed to the gun range. He’d shoot later with Ed if that’s what the team leader wanted, but for now, he needed to release some energy of his own. 

He put on his ear protection and shooting glasses. Why was it that just when things looked like they were about to take a turn for the better, life seemed determined to knock them back down? Staring at the target at the end of the range, Sam lined up his shot and emptied the clip into a tight pattern right in the paper heart. Two days off, a visit to Luria, and a wonderful night out hadn’t fixed their problems with sleeping but things did seem to be getting better. Their talk about how Jules subconsciously feared losing him hadn’t eliminated all of her nightmares but it did seem to Sam that they had lessened in intensity. 

He removed the empty clip and replaced it with a fully loaded one. Taking a steadying breath, he once more aimed and fired. His own sleep wasn’t completely untroubled either. He managed to sleep through most of the night but he still couldn’t prevent himself from suddenly waking up in a near panic needing to check that she was okay but at least he was having an easier time getting back to sleep afterward. 

He wasn’t sure how many clips and targets he’d gone through when a strong hand clamped down on his shoulder. He set his gun on the shelf in front of him and removed the ear protection. He looked at Ed.

“Sorry, I didn’t wait.”

Ed shook his head. “No problem. Jules handled herself well today. Not that I expected anything less.”

Sam nodded, not sure where Ed was going. The older man sighed and continued. “Sometimes as Team Leader, the biggest battle you face is weighing the risk to the team versus the safety of the public. Sometimes it’s easy, we take the risk of getting shot in order to protect the life of the victim and sometimes even that of the subject. There are times though when it’s harder to justify to myself let alone the rest of you the risks we have to take. Whether it’s my order or not, essentially everything that happens on a call is my responsibility because I’m Team Leader. So many calls I wish I could go back and issue a different order so one of my team doesn’t get hurt.”

Ed had never really opened up to Sam like this before and Sam wasn’t really sure what to say. “Ed, we all know the risks and we all accept them. We do this job because we’re needed and we’re good at it. You may be Team Leader but the outcome of calls isn’t always on you. You know that.”

Ed shrugged. “I wanted to order Jules to remain in the truck today. According to what the neighbor had said, I knew-- or at least I thought I knew-- what we were going to find. I don’t know all the details of what happened the day Jules was attacked and I don’t want to know, not because I don‘t care but because I can‘t think about someone hurting her. I do know that sending her in on a probable rape case seemed cruel and inhumane. I wanted to spare her that.”

“She wouldn’t want you to do that.” Sam argued, knowing Jules would be the first to say the same thing. “You know Jules; she’d be mad as hell if you treated her with kid gloves on a call like that. Especially one where as a female, she was in the best position to help the victim.”

Ed nodded solemnly. “I know and that’s why I pushed my initial instinct down. Sam, she was a pro up there. If I hadn’t known she’d been through something similar, there would have been nothing in her actions, expression, or even her words to indicate it. I know things ended up being totally different from what we thought. Barbara Nettles wasn’t being raped but I don’t think the images we saw when we first burst into that room are going to leave my head for awhile. I can’t begin to image what it was like for Jules.”

Sam wasn’t about to say he agreed with Ed, although he completely did. Instead he met the other man’s gaze steadily. “I’m sure like the rest of us, she’s grateful that a woman didn’t have to go through what she went through. I’m sure she’s glad things worked out peacefully without anyone being hurt. You’ve worked with Jules long enough to know she’s not going to let her personal feelings interfere with the job.” 

Again Ed nodded. “Yeah, I do know that. I also know that no matter how much we want to leave calls in the debriefing room, it doesn’t happen that way. The what-ifs, the why-didn’t-Is, and just the general what-the-hell-was-someone-thinkings stay with us long after the call is over. I just want to make sure, both as a team leader and as a friend, that Jules knows we’re here for her through all of it.”

“Why are you telling me this instead of Jules?”

Ed almost chuckled thinking of how Jules had made almost the same accusation to him earlier about his concerns about Sam. They really were made for each other. He was glad Jules had Sam and vice versa. “I would but I can’t find her. I was kind of hoping she was here with you. I could have Winnie track her down but I don’t want her to feel like we’re checking up on her. We know how much Jules would _love_ that.”

“How long before we serve that warrant?” Sam asked noncommittally.

Ed checked his watch. “About an hour.”

“Let’s shoot a few rounds together and then I’ll go talk to her.” Sam promised.

\-- FP -- FP -- FP -- 

  
Jules stared down at the street as she leaned over the railing of the building. There hadn’t been so much as a breeze blowing that she could detect when she’d been at street level. Everything had been as still as could be. It was so different now that she was so many floors up. Here on the roof of the SRU building the wind was really whipping around. It was like it fiercely wanted to pull her apart. She didn’t mind its fury; it seemed to match her mood perfectly. The only concession she’d made to its potential danger was to click her safety strap into place on the railing.

Everything about the call earlier had been of a woman being raped. She couldn’t erase the image of Barbara being bound and gagged naked on her bed as a masked man violated her savagely. Even though Sam’s timely arrival had prevented her from completely meeting the same fate that was playing out in front of her, it hadn’t changed the humiliation and pain she’d suffered. Humiliation and pain that no woman should have to face. 

There was a clink of metal against metal and then strong familiar arms wrapped around her waist. The hold she found herself in was one meant to be comforting not protective though it had taken her awhile to learn to tell the difference. She was sure the image she’d presented was enough to make anyone nervous. Here she was standing at the edge of a high-storied building almost leaning over the edge. How many calls had they responded to where someone was in a similar position but for different reasons? Then again, not everything was the way it appeared. Today’s call had been a big reminder of that.

She relaxed against him. “Finally found me, huh?”

Sam tightened his hold on her. “Didn’t have to look for you. I knew as soon as you left the briefing room, you’d be up here.”

She twisted her head to look up at him, her expression puzzled. “How? I didn’t even know where I was going until I was here.”

He kissed her cheek, feeling a little more free to express his affections up here away from potentially prying but well-meaning eyes. “Because I know you. We all have our little routines or go-to places after certain calls, the ones that take a little longer to shake than the rest. The Boss squirrels himself away in the briefing room and pours over the transcripts searching for answers that just might not be there. Spike loses himself in some sort of upgrade or imaginary repair on Babycakes. Raf pounds the punching bag like it had personally offended him. Ed and I go through more clips at the shooting range than would normally take a couple of months for us to expend.”

He was absolutely right though she’d never really thought about it much. Why hadn’t she ever made that connection? She frowned. “It’s not like I come up here all that often though. It’s not like this is my spot or anything.”

Sam shrugged, the gesture almost reassuring against the back of her body. He was a little amused that she was trying to protest his knowledge of her. Didn’t she know that she was his favorite subject of study? “No, only for certain calls. You’re probably the only one of us that changes the routine you have depending on how the call has affected you. That’s why it took me longer to figure you out, but after several years I think I know you pretty well. If you feel like you did something wrong or you’re on edge, you take to the gym until you’ve exhausted whatever demon is weighing you down or you feel like you’ve sufficiently punished yourself enough. I almost hate those call the most because you are way damn harder on yourself than you should be. If the call got out of hand and we had to make choices we didn’t like or wouldn’t normally do, you’re the first one to the shooting range. You point and shoot at targets until you get back the control you feel like you lost on the call. You only come up here when you can’t make sense of something. Wasn’t hard to figure out which one fit here.”

“So if you knew where I was all this time, why did it take you so long to come here after me?” There was no accusation and no anger in her voice, just curiosity.

“You needed the time to think and you didn’t need me or anyone else giving you a hard time about it. I wouldn’t have come up here now but we’ll have to leave out on that warrant delivery soon. While I wanted to give you all the time you needed I figured you’d rather have me come up here than have Ed or the Boss hunt you down.”

For a long minute, Jules didn’t say anything. Then she shook her head, rubbing her arms against the brisk wind. “Why?”

Sam knew she wasn’t asking the question in response to his statement. She was still trying to figure out the call that had brought her to the roof in the first place. He just wasn’t sure exactly what why she was questioning. “Why what, Jules?”

“I know what it’s like to be restrained and blindfolded as a living monster subverts what’s supposed to be a beautiful expression of love into something wicked and horrible. Rape in whatever form it comes in is possibly the worst thing a woman could ever have to go through. As tough as I think I am, it’s been a struggle to over come its effects. When we first got to that bedroom today, the words he was saying to Barbara were sickening. The way he’d tied her up, blindfolded and gagged her was horrible and then it got so much worse. It was cruel and vicious and wrong. He was her husband. He took vows where he promised to love and honor her but there was nothing loving or honorable in his actions. When I realized her husband was the one doing this to her, my blood ran cold. I thought about how you’ve been there for me, how you made it so much easier for me to recover, how at a time when I wasn’t sure I could trust anyone I knew I could trust you. Alan Nettles was supposed to be that guy for Barbara, not the one hurting her.”

Sam remained silent, knowing she needed to vent even if she hadn’t quite gotten to her why. His strong arms stayed encircled around her body wanting to give her whatever she needed. He couldn’t fix this, wouldn’t know how if he could. He also knew she wasn’t looking for him to fix anything but just needed to get it off her chest. That he could do.

“When she first started defending him, I couldn’t understand it. How do you defend the indefensible? I know it happens; I know there are women willing to forgive the men they love who hurt them. That would have been hard enough to accept but it was even worse. She asked him-- no, she wanted him -- to do those things to her. I don’t understand why. Why would someone want to be hurt like that?”

Sam tightened his hold on her. “I don’t think she wanted to be hurt; as bad as it looked, I don’t think her husband was really hurting her. Those ribbons loosely tied to the headboard that you mentioned in the transcript that you noticed? I think that‘s what they were for, they were her way to keep their role playing safe and to maintain control. Since she was gagged, if she changed her mind, she could pull the ribbon. I‘m betting red was stop and yellow was slow down and the green was to continue. Sort of their version of ‘walrus.’ I’m not going to pretend I understand it, Jules, ‘cause I don’t. All I really know is this kind of thing is what I’ve heard and have been told on the subject. Some women apparently have this fantasy about being forced.”

Jules shuddered. “I can’t imagine how any woman would want to be raped.”

“I don’t think it comes down to wanting to be raped, at least not in the sense like it happened to you. From what I’ve heard it’s more of a romanticized idea of a potentially dangerous nonconsensual experience becoming loving and consensual. Like I said, I don’t understand it.”

“I could have shot him. He was lunging back to her and my hand could have gone for either my Glock or my TAZER. For a split second I was going to go lethal. I had the Scorpio if I needed it and he was threatening the victim. I would have been justified in shooting him. I don’t even know why I changed my mind and went less lethal. If I’d shot him, I would have killed an innocent man. Scorpio or not, how could I justify that?”

He thought about that day in Afghanistan when he’d made that shot that changed everything for him. Performing his sniper duties had maybe become routine for him but never easy. Then when the smoke had settled and he’d discovered that Matt had been hit instead; his world had been rocked. It didn’t matter that he’d been cleared to fire and wouldn’t be held accountable for Matt’s death, at least not by the military; nothing would change the fact that his friend was dead and he’d been the one that pulled the trigger that caused his death. Nobody or nothing could absolve him from the full accountability of that.

“Fortunately, it didn’t come to that.” Sam offered instead. It wasn’t as reassuring as he wanted it to be and it sounded like a cop out even to his ears. He wouldn’t and couldn’t minimize her feelings, not when she had ever right to them. It didn’t matter that he or anyone else on the team wouldn’t have faulted her if she’d made a different decision based only on what they had known at the time and what she was witnessing, it wouldn’t change her perception of it. Even though things had worked out well in the end, it didn’t change the fact that the call could have had a much tragic end. What should have been a private interaction between husband and wife had almost ruined so many lives. Reminding her that it hadn’t happened wouldn’t erase that knowledge from her mind. 

Both of their phones chirped and Sam frowned knowing the rest of the team was probably waiting for them so they could serve the warrant. He kissed the tip of her nose as they both reached to unclip their safety line. As they walked across the rooftop to reach the door, they coiled the line and returned it to its location on their uniforms. Just before they entered the stairwell, Sam put his hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him. 

“Jules, I know you don’t understand why Barbara Nettles did what she did. You don’t have to. You don’t even have to like it. Just do me a favor, put it out of your mind for now. Dwelling on it isn’t going to give you any answers. If you want, we’ll talk more about it tonight after we get off shift. If not, we’ll go home and I’ll do everything possible to make you forget everything that happened.”

She wanted to melt into his arms but knew it was time for them to be professional. Instead she nodded. “That second option sounds perfect. Come on, Braddock, let’s go keep the peace.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even as I was writing this, I had my doubts, not about the path the story was taking but how it might be perceived. It‘s something that exists and I hope I handled it sensitively enough not to offend anyone. It’s going to come back later as Jules continues to put what happened behind her. Again, I hope it hasn’t put anyone off on reading the rest of the story.


End file.
